- For talking about your feelings.
- [Dan] I don't have any. (bleep)
- Hey everyone, welcome back to my channel.
I'm Hannah and this is another episode
of Who Am I In Bed?
(upbeat music)
And every time I say it,
I feel like I have to be like
(sultry voice) Who Am I Bed?
Why? (laughs)
So this episode is about attachment styles,
and whilst the previous episodes are fun and important,
especially the love languages one,
oh, so good to know,
this one can potentially get a bit serious
because I think it dives in a lot deeper
to people's needs and how they behave in relationships
and according to the attachment styles,
these are things that are very much developed in childhood.
So I just want to mention that
so that if you go away and want to learn
about your attachment style,
it could potentially drag up some stuff
and I just want you to be prepared for that.
But I also want you to reassure you
that this video is gonna be going really deep
into that kind of stuff.
However, I don't know what the questions are
so obviously, I can't make any huge promises
'cause I don't know what's gonna come up.
Attachment styles is a theory that I don't know
a huge much about.
You know they say there's different levels of learning
and the highest level of learning
is being able to teach it.
I understand some of it but not well enough at all
to be able to tell you about it.
So this is going to be a learning journey together
whilst I take the attachment style test.
Who am I giving all this information to?
I don't know but I just want to take quizzes.
Is this gonna be the deepest quiz we'll ever do
for a Who Am I video?
Let's find out.
I worry that others won't care about me
as much as I care about them.
Hmm,
disagree lightly,
sometimes but not most of the time.
I find it easy to depend on others.
Agree but not strongly.
It helps to turn to people in times of need.
Strongly agree.
I often worry that other people do not really care for me.
No.
I usually discuss my problems and concerns with others.
Yes. (laughs)
I prefer not to show others how I feel deep down.
No but I do keep some things a little bit private.
I'm afraid that other people may abandon me.
No.
I don't feel comfortable opening up to others.
Wait, hold on,
we've got a double negative one here, guys.
I hate these ones that have negatives in the,
(breaths out) okay,
so if I don't feel comfortable opening up to others
then strongly agreeing means I don't feel comfortable.
Whereas if I disagree then I do feel comfortable.
The question is to what extent do I agree or disagree.
I have this YouTube channel,
I clearly have no issue with it. (laughs)
Oh, also, I need to take this quiz very fast
because Dan now works in this office
and he's gonna start work in about 15 minutes.
So fuck, let's go.
("Tropical Storm (Cospe Remix)" by Cacti)
Is this a test?
Do you guys see this?
Please choose the strongly disagree option for this item.
Is this a test to see if I'm gonna do what the quiz says?
I'm a sucker for followin' rules.
I'm so confused.
If you were on the alignment system chaotic,
you'd be like strongly agree,
but I think I'm either lawful good or neutral good.
I'm just gonna do what it says.
That's so weird.
I feel ugh, ugh.
Is it a glitch or is it a test?
Oh-oh. (laughs)
This is gonna get personal.
I've just seen what it's asked me to do.
I have to answer all these questions in relation
to my mother.
Ooh, Mum, hey.
I think actually, you'll be fine.
Mum, we've got a good relationship.
Right, I talk things over with this person.
Agree, not everything, but yes.
("Tropical Storm (Cospe Remix)" by Cacti)
Question is will my answers be different for my dad?
Hey Dad.
♪ I, I hold onto to this storm 'cause I need to ♪
- Who is it next?
Is it gonna be my sister?
Hey Leah, hey, hey, hey.
No, it's not.
It's my romantic partner.
I'm afraid this person may abandon me.
Not at all.
I often worry that this person doesn't really care for me.
Nope.
I often talk things over with this person.
Yep.
♪ Be swept away, swept away ♪
♪ I, I'm cornered in the cold where you left-- ♪
- Does it help when I turn to Dan
in times of need?
He's not always the best person to go to.
But actually, I always do come out of it feeling good.
♪ Oh, there's a jungle ♪
- Okay, my friend.
♪ In my head goin' wilder ♪
♪ And it's killin' me ♪
- Whereas with Dan, with my romantic partner,
everything was strongly agree or strongly disagree,
this is just like agree, disagree.
♪ Killin' me ♪
♪ I cannot let you go ♪
- I talk things over with this person.
Yes.
It helps to turn to this person in times of need.
Yes.
I often worry that this person doesn't really care for me.
No.
I think I might be securely attached.
Okay, the following statements
concern how you feel right now.
Please respond to each statement by indicating
how much you agree or disagree
as it reflects to your current feelings.
So right now, I really need someone's emotional support.
No.
Well, not strongly disagree.
You can always need a little bit.
I'm afraid someone will want to get too close to me.
No.
I feel loved.
Yes.
I feel like I'm loved by others but I don't really care.
Ooh, no.
♪ I cannot let you go, I cannot let you go ♪
♪ I cannot let you go ♪
- We don't have a lot of time
until Dan needs to use this office.
Oh my God, we're only halfway through. (gasps)
Please rate on the scale below
to describe how accurately each statement describes you.
Describe yourself as you generally are now,
not as you wish to be in the future.
Okay, so I need to be honest.
("Tropical Storm (Cospe Remix)" by Cacti)
What?
It's another test question.
Please choose the neither agree nor disagree option
for this item.
What does it mean?
I keep following the rules but what does it mean?
("Tropical Storm (Cospe Remix)" by Cacti)
Please choose the disagree option for this item.
I'm just gonna keep following the rules.
Is it gonna be like you don't think for yourself.
(laughs) I know.
♪ You're my tropical storm ♪
- Okay, how do I view our relationship?
My relationships with friends and family members
would be complicated if my partner and I were to break up.
No, strong disagree.
I feel satisfied with our relationship.
Yes.
It is likely that I will date someone other than my partner
within the next year.
No.
I have put a great deal
into our relationship that I would lose
if the relationship were to end.
Agree.
The people other than my partner
with whom I might become involved with are very appealing.
Mm.
Disagree, but not a strong disagree
because there's lots of appealing people.
My needs for intimacy, companionship etc.
could be easily fulfilled in an alternative relationship.
I mean yes though.
What's that Tim Minchin song?
♪ If I didn't have you, someone else would do ♪
It just happens to be him
but it could be anyone. (laughs)
So my needs, yeah, they could easily be fulfilled
in another relationship, sure.
Our relationship does a good job of fulfilling my needs
for intimacy and companionship.
Yes, it does.
I'm committed to maintaining my relationship.
Yes, I am.
We getting married,
although that doesn't necessarily mean
you're super committed, but we are. (laughs)
Dan starts work in six minutes,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
("Tropical Storm (Cospe Remix)" by Cacti)
If I weren't dating my partner, I would do fine,
I would find another appealing person to date.
Agree, don't tell Dan.
But it's all hypothetical.
Shit, Dan's supposed to start work now.
Is he gonna come barging in at any second?
Dan's late for work.
("Tropical Storm (Cospe Remix)" by Cacti)
Ooh, I hear Dan.
Oh my God, we're done. (breathes out heavily)
Okay, attachment style, okay.
Oh, here we go, here's my attachment style.
So we've got secure, dismissing, fearful, preoccupied.
Oh my God, there's a lotta text here.
I am secure is what we discovered.
I am most secure in my family and romantic relationships
and still pretty much secure in my friendships
and then general is there.
So oh, oh, okay, so it's on two axes.
You've got avoidance and anxiety.
So fearful is high anxiety, high avoidance.
Preoccupied is low avoidance and high anxiety.
And dismissing is high avoidance and low anxiety.
And then secure is low avoidance and low anxiety.
And here he comes.
Hey Dan, I'm securely attached.
Are you securely attached, do you think?
Do you know what your attachment style is?
- [Dan] Furious.
- Furious. (laughs)
I think you're dismissing, if anything.
No, I think you're secure.
Would you say in your relationships with people,
you're avoidant or not or anxious or not?
- [Dan] Avoidant?
- Yeah, like you dismiss things and run away.
- [Dan] No.
- No.
Are you anxious?
Do you worry about how much
other people might care about you
and are anxious that they might abandon you?
- [Dan] Definitely.
- (laughs) Okay, great.
Fantastic.
Let's read about this.
Okay, according to attachment theory and research,
there are two fundamental ways in which
people differ from one another
in the way that they think about their close relationships.
First, some people are more anxious than others.
People who are high in attachment-related anxiety
tend to worry about whether others really love them
and often fear rejection.
People low in this dimension are much less worried
about such matters.
Second, some people are more avoidant than others.
People who are high in attachment-related avoidance
are less comfortable depending on others
and opening up to others.
Ooh, maybe you are high in that, my love.
Dan is staring blankly at me. (laughs)
- [Dan] What do I do?
I wasn't listening.
- Are you comfortable depending on others
and opening up to others?
Dan just looks confused.
- [Dan] Depending on others?
No, they're all useless.
(Hannah laughs)
They're all useless.
- For talking about your feelings.
- [Dan] I don't have any.
- Correct.
Okay, so let's just read a little bit of a description
about each of the quadrants.
The light green area at the lower left portion
of the figure represents the secure region of the space.
People who are secure in their relationships
are comfortable depending on others
and having the other person depend on them.
Moreover, they are relatively unconcerned
about whether the other person truly cares about them.
(laughs) Unconcerned, Dan, about if you care about me.
Don't care, I don't care.
I don't care if you care about me.
The light red area at the upper right portion
represents the fearful avoidant region of the space.
People who are fearfully avoidant in their relationships
are uncomfortable depending on others
and serving as an attachment figure.
Moreover, they worry that others may not be there
emotionally when they are most needed.
The light blue area in the upper left
represents the dismissing avoidant area of the space.
People who are dismissing in their relationships
are also not comfortable opening up to others
and depending on or having others depend on them.
In addition, they are not concerned with the question
or whether the other person truly cares about them.
The light yellow area in the lower right
represents the preoccupied region of the space.
People who are preoccupied in their relationships
are worried that the other person
is or will not be available when needed.
They would like to depend on the other person
and have that other person depend on them
but feel that such dependence is not reciprocal.
So I am securely attached.
There we go.
I feel like I learnt a lot about attachment styles,
especially the caring about care
and also the opening up and depending on people.
My relationship functioning.
Ooh, Dan, I've got high commitment and satisfaction
in my relationship.
Oh, but I have lower investment than others
in this relationship. (laughs)
- [Dan] Than others?
There's only me and you in it.
- No, than others, so other people who take the test.
I have lower investment in our relationship
than others have in their relationships.
- [Dan] You're an arsehole.
- (laughs) And then also,
I'm higher in terms of alternatives.
- [Dan] I don't care, I'm leaving.
- The perceived desirability
of the best available alternative to the relationship.
(Hannah laughs)
Bye.
- [Dan] It's too early in the morning for this shit.
I didn't wake up just to be abused.
- Fantastic.
Well, this has been great.
If you can hear any noise in the background,
it's Dan boiling a kettle for his coffee.
Welcome to the wonders of working from home
with your partner.
I'm just aware that I'm very lucky
that I am securely attached
and not everyone is securely attached.
But I think it's hugely valuable to look into this
to understand what your attachment style is,
because I think it will help you
be able to navigate if there are any potential issues
that you often find yourself in
when it comes to relationships
and being able to work on those things.
I cannot for the life of me remember where I heard this,
so please don't quote me on this,
but what I heard was that it is very difficult
to have a secure and healthy relationship
with two people who both aren't securely attached.
However, it is possible to have a really healthy
and good relationship if you have
at least one person who is securely attached
in that relationship.
- [Dan] It's me.
- It's you?
You're the securely attached one here?
Okay.
So thank you so much for watching.
I hope you liked this video.
Please give it a thumbs up if you did
and let me know in the comments if you fancy sharing
what your attachment style is
and what you thought about the results that you've got
from the test.
And don't forget to subscribe
because I make new videos every week
and I'll see you in the next one.
Bye.
Say bye, Dan.
- [Dan] Goodbye.
- Yeah. (laughs)