>> Stephen: MY NEXT GUEST IS A STANDUP COMEDIENNE MAKING HER
NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT, PLEASE WELCOME EMMY BLOTNICK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> HI!
OH, WOW, IT IS SO COOL TO BE HERE.
DO YOU GUYS WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY FAVORITE WHEEL OF FORTUNE
CLIP?
( CHEERING ) GOOD.
THE PUZZLE IS MOSTLY SOLVED.
YOU CAN TELL THE ANSWER IS SELF-PORTRAIT, AND THIS LADY
BUZZES IN AND GOES, UH, SELF-POTATO?
AND RIGHT AWAY YOU CAN SEE HER GO, LIKE, OH, NO.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S SO GOOD BECAUSE
SELF-POTATO MEANS NOTHING.
IT MEANS NOTHING AT ALL, BUT I LOVE IT SO MUCH I REALLY WANT IT
TO MEAN SOMETHING.
SO I THINK THIS IS IT.
YOU ALL KNOW WHAT A COUCH POTATO IS.
A SELF-POTATO IS JUST WHEN YOU DON'T NEED THE COUCH FOR THAT TO
BE WHO YOU ARE, YOU KNOW?
IT'S JUST TAKING THE COUCH POTATO MENTALITY TO GO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW.
BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED A COUCH WHEN YOU GOT YOU!
( LAUGHTER ) AND I DON'T KNOW IF THAT LADY
KNEW WHEN SHE GOT THAT PUZZLE WRONG THAT SHE WAS GOING TO GIVE
ME A NAME FOR MY LIFESTYLE, BUT I AM A SELF-POTATO THROUGH AND
THROUGH!
IN CASE IT WASN'T CLEAR, IT'S BASICALLY HIGH-FUNCTIONING
DEPRESSION, SO -- ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH.
I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.
LIKE, EARLIER TONIGHT I SPENT ABOUT TWO HOURS IN A WET TOWEL.
THAT IS A CLASSIC SELF-POTATO MOVE.
YOU GUYS EVER STAY IN A WET TOWEL UNTIL IT'S BAD?
YOU KNOW, LIKE IT STARTS OUT GOOD AND THEN YOU'RE NOT HAPPY
ANYMORE.
I USED TO BE THE KIND OF PERSON THAT WOULD GO OUT AT NIGHT, I'D
STAY OUT LATE AND HAVE PARTY NIGHTS.
YOU KNOW IT'S NOT TRUE BECAUSE NO ONE CALLS THEM "PARTY
NIGHTS."
( LAUGHTER ) NO, THESE DAYS I JUST STAY IN
AND READ AMAZON REVIEWS OF THINGS I ALREADY OWN.
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK I'M JUST LOOKING FOR A
SENSE OF COMMUNITY.
I'M, LIKE, I WONDER WHO ELSE OUT THERE IS MAD ABOUT MY BLENDER?
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE, YEAH, YEAH, THIS GUY RICK
F. FROM IOWA IS RIGHT, THE PUREE SETTING REALLY IS MORE OF A FINE
CHOP.
( LAUGHTER ) THUMBS UP, RICK.
THAT WAS HELPFUL.
( LAUGHTER ) AMAZON HAS GOTTEN TO KNOW ME WAY
TOO WELL.
AT THIS POINT ALL MY RECOMMENDATIONS ARE JUST SUCH A
BUMMER.
EVERY TIME I GO TO AMAZON, THEY'RE, LIKE, BECAUSE YOU
ENJOYED THE LOOK FATHERLESS WOMEN -- AND I'M, LIKE, OH,
AMAZON, DON'T EVEN FINISH THAT SENTENCE!
( LAUGHTER ) AND BY THE WAY, I WOULDN'T SAY I
ENJOYED "FATHERLESS WOMEN," IT WAS KIND OF A SAD READ.
BUT SOMETIMES I TRY TO THROW THEM OFF MY SCENT.
I TRY TO CLICK ON COOL STUFF TO MAKE THEM THINK I HAVE A COOL
LIFE.
I PUT IN AN HOUR CLICKING ON SNOWBOARDS AND BIG BOXES OF BIG
CONDOMS.
YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST WANT THEM TO THINK I'M
BUSY HITTING THE SLOPES IN MY MAGNUMS.
I HOPE NEXT TIME I GO TO AMAZON THEY SAY, BECAUSE YOU BOUGHT A
THOUSAND EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS, WE THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO HANG
OUT SOME TIME.
( LAUGHTER ) I LISTEN TO A LOT OF POP MUSIC.
I HAVE A FAVORITE NEW GIRL GROUP NOW CALLED FIFTH HARMONY.
DO YOU GUYS KNOW THEM?
CHEERING CHEERING WE HAVE SOME HARMONIZERS HERE.
THEY SING YOU AIN'T GOTTA GO TO WORK, WORK, WORK -- THAT SONG IS
SO GOOD.
THAT SONG MAKES ME THINK WORKING FROM HOME COULD BE MORE THAN
JUST MELTING CHEESE ON THINGS.
IT LETS ME DREAM!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT MY FAVORITE FIFTH HARMONY
SONG IS A BIT OF A DEEPER CUT, IT'S CALLED SLEDGEHAMMER.
IT'S EASILY THE SECOND BEST SONG CALLED SLEDGEHAMMER.
( LAUGHTER ) IT GOES,.
♪ IF YOU COULD TAKE MY PULSE RIGHT NOW ♪
♪ IT WOULD FEEL JUST LIKE A SLEDGEHAMMER ♪
IT MAKES NO SENSE.
( LAUGHTER ) I MEAN, I'M NOT IN CONSTRUCTION,
BUT A SLEDGEHAMMER SEEMS LIKE THE KIND OF THING YOU ONLY SWING
ONCE, RIGHT?
I WATCHED THE MUSIC VIDEO.
EVEN THE HOT GUY IN THE VIDEO ONLY SWINGS THE SLEDGEHAMMER
ONCE.
SO IF YOUR PULSE IS LIKE A SLEDGEHAMMER -- YOU'RE DEAD!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT GETS WORSE, THOUGH.
I REALIZED THEY MEANT JACK HAMMER!
THEY MEANT JACK HAMMER!
BUT NO ONE IN THEIR LIVES DOES MANUAL LABOR, SO THEY'RE ALL
JUST OUT THERE IN BOOTY SHORTS SINGING ABOUT THE WRONG TOOL!
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S WHY I LOVE FIFTH
HARMONY, THEY MAKE MISTAKES.
THEY'RE REAL PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, THE BEST PART ABOUT ALL OF THIS IS I THINK SOME OF
YOU GUYS STILL DON'T KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT.
AND ONE OF THEM HAS ALREADY QUIT THE BAND.
CAMILLA CABEO LEFT, AND NOW THEY'RE A FOUR-MEMBER BAND AND
STILL CALLED FIFTH HARMONY.
YOU CAN'T PUT THE NUMBER OF BAND MEMBERS IN THE NAME.
LIFE IS WAY TOO UNCERTAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I THINK THEY'RE EVEN BETTER
AS THE FOUR-MEMBERED FIFTH ARMNY.
BECAUSE NOW WHEN YOU LISTEN TO THEM, YOU CAN IMAGINE THAT
YOU'RE THE FIFTH, AND WHY SHOULDN'T IT BE YOU UP THERE
DANCING WITH THE GIRLS, LIKE, OH, MY GOD, MY PULSE FEELS LIKE
A SCREWDRIVER!
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU GUYS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: HER FIRST HALF HOUR STANDUP COMEDY SPECIAL WILL
AIR ON COMEDY CENTRAL LATER THIS YEAR.
EMMY BLOTNICK, EVERYBODY, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!