- Hot take.
I think murder is bad.
- I think feminism is the worst thing
that ever happened to women.
Our job used to be no job.
We had it so good.
We could have done the smart thing,
which would have been to continue playing dumb
for the next century and be like, "We're dumb women.
"We don't know how to do anything.
"So I guess we better just stay at home all day
"and eat snacks and watch 'Ellen'
"'cause we're too stupid to have any real responsibility."
And then all these women had to show off and be like,
"We can do it.
"We can do anything."
Bitch, shut up.
Don't tell them the secrets.
They ruined it for us.
And now we're expected to work.
When I hear the phrase double income household,
I wanna throw up.
A lot of women get very upset with me about those comments,
and they're like,
"But Ali, we have so many more options now."
Oh, you don't think we had a lot of options
when our day was free,
unscheduled, unsupervised, and most importantly sponsored?
You know how much shittier food tastes
when you know you had to earn it?
A lot of my friends, when we walk around together,
they'll get very judgmental about housewives
that we'll see on the street,
and they'll be like,
"Look at that fucking housewife not doing anything.
"Look at that housewife just walking around all day
"getting massages in her Lululemon pants."
I'm like, that bitch is a genius.
She's not a housewife, she's retired.
- Take a look at the look of the average lesbian face.
All right?
I don't mean a lesbian in her twenties,
she's got a whole life ahead of her.
She's got Christmas in her eyes, right?
I mean, a lesbian about 35, 36,
starting to settle into what the deal's gonna be, right?
And then look across the bar,
find a married guy about the same age.
Look at the look on his face.
Look at the look on her face.
Go back to his face.
It's the same fucking look.
Yeah, and then look at gay guys.
Some of the happiest people I've ever met in my life.
They're almost too happy.
It's like, "Hey, how's going?"
They're like, "Hi!"
Almost floating across the room with that lack of estrogen.
Just yanking down your fucking dreams.
No.
Now look, it might be a front.
I'm not saying all gay guys are just blissfully happy,
but it's looking like a pretty good time to me.
Dude, they're some of the most positive people
I've ever met in my life.
Any idea you have, they support it.
They're just like, "Yes, yes, queen, yes.
"You're fierce, you can do it!"
Lesbians are up at the bar like a bunch of jaded cops,
"That's all fucking bullshit.
"What the fuck was I thinking?
"U-Hauling after 10 days moving in?
"What the fuck was I thinking?
"She's crazy!"
No, I'm telling you, I think married men and lesbians
need to start hanging out more.
And we gotta put our heads together
and try to solve our common problem, the women in our lives,
so we can somehow attain the perceived happiness
of the average gay dude out there.
Yeah, so if you believe in that shit,
I'll give you some advice.
If you're gonna expand your fucking world of friends,
I'll give you some advice.
You can't just hang out with any lesbian, all right?
You gotta make sure you're hanging out
with the dude in the relationship, right?
And by dude, I'm not saying she's manly.
I'm not being ignorant.
By dude I just mean she's the one that gets blamed
for most of the shit, right?
Because no relationship is balanced.
Somebody is getting away with more.
Somebody's drafting behind the other.
It's like a bike race.
Somebody else is taking the fucking weather in the face.
♪ Da, da, da, da ♪
Somebody else is fucking right behind.
"Oh yeah, it really is wet."
Just kind of hiding under your fucking poncho.
Male, female, female, female, gay, gay,
whatever the fuck it is you're into,
every relationship there's the person that does the dishes
and the person that lets 'em soak, right?
- I think we should start thinking about penises
and vaginas as a foot in a shoe situation.
You ever tried to jam your foot into a shoe
that's two sizes too small?
Imagine if the shoe had feelings.
And you cared.
And we should all know our size.
At the end of the night at a bar,
a guy should be like, "I'm an eight."
And you'd be like, "Well, I'm a four, so no."
Or a guy be like, "I'm a two."
You should lie about that.
Or show me a picture of your apartment.
A two with a good apartment is a six.
That's just math.
And we should talk about dicks in sizes,
sizes that we all know and understand.
We have to stop talking about dicks in inches
because I dunno how much an inch is.
You know how I know a penis is too big?
I see it and I go, "Oh, no.
"Now, you think I'm a different person.
"You think I'm old long vagina.
"She needs a big dick."
Alright, what do you think I want out of sex,
a hole in my back?
To become a dolphin?
Which vocally does make sense.
And look, I've had sex with guys with big dicks.
Sometimes I'll sort of move away
and they'll be like, "Where are you going?"
And I'm like, "To safety."
You know, in boxing, if you punch someone in the liver,
it's illegal.
And yet men still say, "She needs a big dick!"
No, she needs you to text her back.
- If Harvey Weinstein propositioned my daughter
and offered her a movie roll in exchange for sex,
I, like every other parent in this room,
would wanna fuck him up.
- But if Harvina Weinstein came to my son
with a solid contract,
I'd be like, "Dude, you're gonna be Batman.
"Yes you are.
"No crying, Batman doesn't cry, come on!"
Your own son, really?
What's the worst thing that can happen?
It'd be harder job.
It'd be harder to please Harvina.
Right?
Rich old lady, it's probably real hard to make them come.
You gotta make eye contact.
You gotta lock in with them.
They gotta know you're involved in this project, right?
Rich old ladies are probably super skeptical.
Always, always maintain eye contact.
That wouldn't be the hard part.
The hard part is where you, when you go down on Harvina,
she likes to rest her fat gut on your forehead,
and the sweat, the sweat gets in your eyes
and it stings like sunscreen,
but you gotta keep up because you want a Ferrari.
Ah! Ah!
Nobody cares.
Nobody cares about boys that have to eat pussy.
No one cares.
We're all sexist against men.
No one cares.
No one feels bad.
"How'd you get that car?"
"Yeah, man, I ate pussy for it."
"You gonna be okay?"
- Actually, now that I think about it,
I'm surprised that we still have sex.
That's a crazy thing when you think about it,
that people still have sex.
It's odd 'cause we factored people out
of every part of our lives.
When you think about it,
you don't even need people to meet people anymore.
You can use your phone to meet people, you know?
And whenever you want food or something,
you don't even have to know who cooked it.
You just order on your phone and then some guy brings it.
That's not the guy who cooked it.
And you don't talk to him either.
You just grab the bag and close the door.
Like, you don't want him in your life either.
But we still have sex.
It's the most intimate thing
that you can do with another person.
And even that's about to be over.
Sex is almost over.
'Cause as soon as they invent like,
a vibrator that really listens.
You know what I mean?
Like, as soon as it's just like,
a ninth setting on a Jackrabbit,
that's like (imitates vibrator whirring),
"They don't deserve you at work."
What are we gonna do?
And likewise,
once they just make porn that says it's proud of you
do you know how many men will die next to the computer?
Like, "How did Joe die?" "Happy."
- Going to the doctor is different
when you're in your forties.
I had to get my prostate checked.
Every comedian gets his prostate exam joke.
This is mine.
Here's my hot take, wasn't that bad.
Yeah.
What's the big deal?
It was gentle.
It was like a hummingbird pollinating a giant,
like a gaping yellow flower.
Just (buzzes), it was fine.
I was like, "That was it?
"Do it again, that was fine, no big deal."
And now I'm fresh for another season.
That's exciting.
But the best part was my doctor completely underestimated
how tall I am.
I'm 6'6" and I'm standing by the table,
the table was about this tall.
She was off in the corner putting on a glove
and lubing it up like an assassin
putting a silencer on a pistol.
"I'll be with you in a moment."
And so she's over there and she goes,
"Put your chest on the table."
She's an authority figure and she told me to do it.
I was like, that's a little guy order.
Little guy, little guy's ready and he's like,
"Aye, aye, madam," and he just goes down.
"Slide right in there, like an open parking spot.
"It's okay."
But I'm 6'6", I'm a giraffe.
This woman's about to become a zoologist.
But she's an authority figure
so I'm like in a backless gaping robe.
I'm just like, "Okay,"
and I go down like one of those
plastic drinking water birds.
I can feel the breeze 'twixt my cheeks.
I'm just waiting and I go, this is literally what I said,
I go, "This feels low."
And then I went up to my elbows.
Thankfully she did not, okay?
That is ridiculous.
This is true.
After she did it, I gave her a hug.
Why can't you hug your doctor?
I don't know, she was all up in me.
You do something that intimate,
you're gonna get squeezed, you know?
Just like, just like a little.
Just on the top of the head.
I pay my premiums.
- Non-ethnic people in general have a very strange
way of communicating.
They say things like, "Not to make it all about me."
Right, 'cause I might be telling a story
and then suddenly you'll have a story similar
and you're animated and you're excited
and you share your own story.
But then suddenly you have a shame.
And you feel bad.
And you go, "Sorry, I didn't mean to make it all about me."
Huh?
I'm about me, you're about you.
That's how this goes.
I don't know fuck about you.
Do not talk about me.
I don't even know how we got here.
Well, we let the most boring talkers on the planet
make the rules for talking.
Right, it's like this concept of interrupting.
I never heard it growing up, never knew the word,
but some bitch last week was like, "You interrupted me."
I was like, "Huh?
"Yeah, I had some shit to say."