YESTERDAY WERE THE MIDTERM
ELECTIONS, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE ELECTIONS THAT YOU GUYS
DIDN'T VOTE IN. BUT ALL OVER AMERICA, PEOPLE
WERE VOTING ON TOPICS AS IMPORTANT AS
THE LEGALIZATION OF MARIJUANA ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE LITTLE
STUFF LIKE BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS.
BUT IN OHIO, PEOPLE VOTED ON ISSUE
3, A REFERENDUM WHICH WOULD HAVE HAD TO LEGALIZE MARIJUANA IN
THAT STATE, BUT IT -- IT DID NOT PASS.
I KNOW, WHICH IS A SHAME, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW, THE RULE IS
"PUFF, PUFF, PASS."
THAT'S RIGHT, IT REMAINS ILLEGAL TO GET HIGH IN OHIO.
WHICH MEANS THERE IS STILL NO LEGAL WAY TO ENJOY A CLEVELAND
BROWNS GAME.
[APPLAUSE] NOW, PEOPLE ARE SAYING THE
INITIATIVE DID NOT PASS BECAUSE IT WOULD
HAVE ALLOWED GIANT CORPORATIONS TO CONTROL
THE MARIJUANA INDUSTRY. WHICH IS A HUGE BUMMER, BECAUSE
I WAS REALLY EXCITED TO BUY POT FROM A PLACE CALLED STARBLUNTS.
OR GO TO CHIPOT LEAF TO HAVE A BURRITO BOWL.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
BUT ONE OF THE CORPORATIONS THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GROW
WEED WAS OWNED BY NICK LACHEY FROM THE BAND 98
DEGREES.
YOU REMEMBER HIM? YEAH.
I KNOW. SO IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHO
THE SNOOP DOGG OF OHIO IS, IT'S THIS GUY.
THERE HE IS.
BEAUTIFUL FACE BUT THEY SHOULD USE THAT PHOTO TO STOP PEOPLE
FROM GETTING TATTOOS, SHOULDN'T THEY?
YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS? LET ME SHOW YOU THIS NO, I
THOUGHT AS MUCH.
NICE TO SEE YOU, SEE YOU LATER. BUT AT LEAST OHIO GOT
LEGALIZATION ON THE BALLOT. IN ARKANSAS, A PROPOSAL TO
LEGALIZE MARIJUANA WAS REJECTED -- AND I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP --
IT WAS REJECTED BECAUSE IT HAD TOO MANY SPELLING AND GRAMMAR
ERRORS. ARKANSAS, WAY TO LIVE UP TO THE
STEREOTYPE. I'M TOTALLY BAFFLED BY THIS
BECAUSE NORMALLY BILLS ARE REJECTED IN ARKANSAS BECAUSE
THEY USE TOO MANY WORDS.
OH, MAN, I ZONED OUT AFTER LIKE THE SIXTH WORD.
YOU HAVE TO BE PUTTING PICTURES IN THERE OR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?
COME ON.
NOT A BAD ACCENT BUT BY FAR ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT VOTES
HAPPENED IN HOUSTON, TEXAS, WHERE CITIZENS VOTED TO REPEAL
AN EQUAL RIGHTS PROVISION THAT OFFERED
PROTECTIONS TO TRANSGENDER PEOPLE.
OPPONENTS OF THE EQUAL RIGHTS LAW EVEN HAD THE SUPPORT OF A
FORMER MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYER.
>> I'M LANCE BERKMAN, PROPOSITION ONE WILL ALLOW MEN
TO -- WHO CLAIM TO BE WOMEN TO INTERWOMEN'S BATHROOMS, SHOWERS
AND LOCKER ROOMS. IT'S BETTER TO CLOSE THESE TO
MEN RATHER THAN WAIT FARGO CRIME TO HAPPEN.
JAMES: RIGHT. FIRST OF ALL, IF SOMEONE'S A
CREEP, THEY'RE A CREEP. AND AN LGTB LAW HAS NOTHING TO
DO WITH IT. IT'S NOT LIKE HE GOES INTO A
WOMAN'S BATHROOM AND SAYS I'M FOILED AGAIN.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
A MAN WHO TRANSITIONS TO A WOMAN AND WANTS TO USE THE WOMEN'S
RESTROOM IS NOT A MAN USING THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM.
SHE'S A WOMAN USING THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM AND THE MEN WHO HAVE
TRANSITIONED ON IS A DANGEROUS WAY OF THINKING.
LIKE THINKING THE ON THE -- CONFEDERATE FLAG STANDS FOR
SOUTHERN PRIDE OR MARRIAGE IS ONLY BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN
OR THAT BILL COSBY JUST LIKES TO MAKE A MEAN COCKTAIL.
[APPLAUSE] I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE BATHROOMS
REALLY ARE DANGEROUS FOR WOMEN. YOU KNOW, THEY DO ALWAYS GO IN
THERE IN GROUPS.
AND HONESTLY, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS AND IF WE'RE BANNING
PEOPLE, LET'S BAN MEN FROM MEN'S BATHROOMS BECAUSE MEN ARE
DISGUSTING. [APPLAUSE]
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MEN'S BATHROOM?
EVERYTHING IS WET IN A WAY YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW IT GOT TO
BE THAT WAY.
LET'S JUST BAN BATHROOMS. ONLY DISGUSTING THINGS HAPPEN IN
BATHROOMS.
LET'S JUST DIG A HOLE IN THE GROUND AND PUT A SIGN ON IT THAT
SAYS "PEOPLE."
IF YOU CAN'T HOLD IT TILL YOU GET HOME, THAT'S YOUR ONLY
OPTION. SO NOW WE'VE SETTLED IT.
NO WEED.
NO MEN. NO BATHROOMS.
NO PROBLEM. I'M MOVING BACK TO ENGLAND.