I'm Michelle is Rhode Island. Is that where you are? Right Island. Hi,
how are you today? Good. How are you? Rocking and bobbin.
How may I help you?
Great. Okay. So I've been together with my husband for 31 years,
married for 25, but we've been separated for a year. Um,
uh, because the year before he had had an affair, we got back together.
We started reconciling. Um, but then I found out he was still doing, um,
his online, uh, emotional CAS. Um, prior to the,
prior to this was a kind of a difficult situation prior to his
first affair. He had done a wonderful husband, a wonderful father, um,
but he let out a secret that he'd been in, um,
keeping for most of our relationship that he had been sexually abused as a child
by a very close family friend. And then that,
that actually reoccurred as an adult. Um,
the actually forcefully and the relationship happened for two years while, um,
he was in his early forties until he was able to get away from the person.
Okay. Let me make sure I understand what you just said.
You're saying that some male abused him,
abused your husband when your husband was in his forties.
It was the same man. He was abused as a child, but the same man, very,
very close family, friends. Um, he he'd been, yeah,
he'd been abused by him as a child. They think he's him since birth,
but that person, um, actually wanted to take the relationship further.
And at one time when they were alone, um,
he had used physical force and meaning a gun. And,
um, he forced my husband into a relationship,
blackmailed him that type of thing. I had no idea about it. Um,
he came out and let us like the whole family know, um, two years ago.
So it was, you know, this is like, um, you know, a very difficult situation.
I did not know how to handle it. So of course I didn't. Um,
I kind of let you know the law, I handle it and I let this counselor handle it.
And I kind of hid from it to be honest,
I kind of emotionally hid and worked like 60 hours a week. Um,
but in that time that probably he needed me. Um,
he sought someone out and he found, um,
found a relationship within months of letting everybody know about this
relationship. And that once I found out about that was like another bomb,
first bomb, then second bomb. And, um, I ended up in a mental hospital and
I did, we got over it and we, um,
we reconciled, but he wasn't, he's not healthy now.
He wasn't healthy then, and he's not mentally healthy.
Now he is getting confident on getting on. But, um, you know,
after the first few I thought we were reconciling,
but then I found out months almost, you know, um,
we had about six or seven months after I found out he was still on the phone
with people still on social media with people. And I just,
I asked him to wave like I, them out.
And so it's been a year since that happened.
W when you say these people, would you say these people are these all females?
Are these some males?
No. All females now. And through his counselor,
she tells him that he's seeking out this female attention because it's
validation that he's not gay because he's not, he's not gay,
doesn't have gay feelings. Um, and so, um, he, yeah,
he's seeking out, you know, because of shame and validation.
And the question you were about to ask, I interrupted you. I'm sorry.
You said the question is, okay.
We've been separated for a year. Um, he's, he's had in that year,
he's had multiple, um,
multiple affairs online and he's had a few in person. Um,
he's said he stopped everything now, except for the emotional affair.
Probably a few. I know one that is long distance, never met the person,
but she does give him conference. And he doesn't, you know,
encounter him a few times. He's gone with me and I said to him, you know,
I'm willing to work on anything,
but I can't work with you while there's other people involved in the marriage.
You know,
how are we supposed to work together when you're seeking these people out?
You know, especially this particular person that gives him confidence.
He doesn't want to give her up. So my con with the help of my counselor, she,
she said, well, you know,
you can't work together unless you give that up and try to see if you
can, you can be together. And there is love between us deep love between us.
But you know,
there is also mental illness on his side for the abuse he salted for the mental
illness he's suffering right now. So my question is I,
I finally, um, in October I had, I, I gave him an ultimatum. I said,
you either have to agree to work on the marriage, get rid of all of this,
the social media connections, see what we can do,
or I'm going to file for divorce. And he wasn't, he was honest.
He wasn't able to give up the, um, the emotional she is. And so,
um, you know, we were going to have, um, divorce court in December.
He asked if I would postpone it, um,
because he was going to go into a program and get some help,
which I'm aware it's not going to happen overnight. Um, and he's done that.
So we postponed it, but I seen very little change in him. He has come home,
not on his own. He's been wanting to come home, but in a separate room.
So how, how can I help? What can I do for you and Michelle? How many of you.
Um, well, the question is, is that he's back home, but he,
it was kind of like he, um, it wasn't like he wanted to be there to be with me.
I think it was just like, you know, a situation of safety in the home.
And he wants me to continue this,
this relationship, which is like being friendly with each other,
but not much else. Um, when I'm just trying to stand up for the marriage,
even though I filed for divorce, but he's still in these,
he's still in an emotional relationship that he can't up. Does that leave me?
Where does that? Where do I stand in it? What should I do?
Should I continue with my firmness? Look,
you have to give up these emotional connections and let's go to counseling
together, or divorce is going to go through or do I continue to let him do that?
I should do that.
But I see you've already, you've already not done that. What I mean is this.
You told him we can't get together.
You can't come home unless you stop those things.
But if I heard what you said correctly,
you actually did let him come home anyway. And now he's like, okay, I'm here.
I just want to be friends. I want to be buddies. Let me live here.
And what I hear you asking is the same thing that you'd already decided where
they help your counselor. As long as you're involved with this,
as long as you're doing these things, then I cannot live with you,
but you've already changed that.
And so my question is one way or the other one way or the other,
my recommendation. And I'm not trying to override your counselor.
I never ever want to override anybody, a counselor.
But my suggestion is that you need to make a decision after the decision is no,
no, we will not work on this.
You cannot live here unless you stop those other relationships.
I'm not going to just be your roommate. If you make that decision,
then you have to stay with that decision.
If you decide no we'll live here and you can be my roommate,
and maybe over time, we can fix this. If that's the decision you want to make,
then it's your right to make it. But don't expect a whole lot of progress.
People pretty well do what you let them do.
And in the situation where it is like, okay, okay, we can live together.
You can keep on having these contacts with these other women.
And I'll be your roommate here. If you allow that to happen. My question is,
what's the motive to change? What,
what is the reasoning that would lead him to want to do anything differently?
No, I'm not going to tell you what to do. It's not my decision. It's yours.
And I hope that your counselor is not telling you what to do either.
It's not his or her decision. It's yours.
You always have to make your own decisions.
But if your decision is he can't do this,
my strong recommendation is you have to stick with that.
You can't back off on that and change it because if you do,
you basically give him the message. Yeah. This is what I want,
but I'll put up with other stuff as well. And I don't know,
that's the message that you want to give it. At least if it were,
I inserted another message I would want to get.
[Inaudible].