School was very difficult for me.
They weren't very nice to me
in school at all.
They were mean.
They called me a loser.
And they said I couldn't learn anything
and I was going to be held back
and they wished I was never born.
And it wouldn't have bothered me
that much, but I was homeschooled.
And the thing is that when it's
family it hurts more.
I have two sisters.
They're not very nice.
And they're not very
pleasant to look at.
In other words, I have two sisters,
and I'm the hottest girl
in the family, by far.
There's no question in my mind.
(audience laughing)
I'm feeling a little weird.
Do I seem a little weird to you,
a little off?
- Yes.
- T hank you.
I appreciate your honesty.
Thank you.
It's a little painful,
but it's truthful.
And I spent $1 on water today,
a bottle of water.
Maybe I missed a meeting--
doesn't this stuff fall out
of the sky for free?
(audience laughing)
Maybe later on, I'll pick up
a six-pack of wind.
No, I should.
(audience laughing)
Do you ever buy dirt?
You don't feel a little ridiculous
leaving Home Depot with a bag
of dirt?
We live on an orbiting chunk
of dirt.
There's no different levels of dirt.
They'll tell you
it's some kind of Yugoslavian turbo
dirt, but believe me,
there's just dirt.
Does it say "comedy show" out front,
or "take this incredibly serious
show"?
Maybe I took a wrong turn.
(audience laughing)
I don't know the area that well
since I live in Cali, baby.
I know you mock us.
I know you don't like California.
I know that, and I realize that.
I understand.
And you like to say
and you like to joke that we're
going to have an earthquake,
and we're just going to snap off
and float away from the rest
of the country.
But we're looking forward
to that day, to be quite honest,
(audience laughing)
we really are.
You guys have been keeping us down
long enough.
It's time to trim the fat.
(audience laughing)
And we are California.
Come on, you would miss us.
We're not one of the Dakotas,
let's be honest.
(audience laughing)
If North Dakota up and left,
there's a good chance none of us
would notice, ever.
People would just stand around going,
"hey, what used to be here
"before this ditch?"
I mean, we have two Dakotas now.
We could have had four,
and nobody said anything.
We're Cali, baby.
California, you've got to admit,
does what it wants whenever it wants,
doesn't ask anybody anything.
They put a SeaWorld in San Diego.
You guys been to San Diego?
OK, you know then,
it's a city already next
to the ocean.
(audience laughing)
You could save the $300
and look left.
(audience laughing)
That's the mother ship,
the actual ocean.
(audience laughing)
Do you remember at SeaWorld
that Shamu used to kiss--
you know, kiss people?
That's awkward, especially if you're
younger, and your first kiss
is by a whale.
It's a little weird when you're
at a pajama party, and people always
ask you, who was you first kiss?
What was he?
What was he like?
Was he Black or White?
And you're like, yeah, he was--
Cali, baby.
I went fishing in the LA River
the other day.
And I caught a shopping cart
and smallpox, so--
(audience laughing)
Sometimes I know I can be very
immature.
Sometimes I like to go to frat houses.
And I know you've got a lot
of college people here.
And they always have
those flat tops.
For some reason, frat dudes
love the flat top du jour haircut.
And I like to bring
a remote controlled helicopter
and try to land on their heads
for a few hours.
This, to me, it's super fun.
(helicopter sounds)
Dude, seriously, quit it.
(helicopter sounds)
Dude.
(helicopter sounds)
Dude.
I like living in California
because you can answer anything
with "whatever, dude."
That's an answer in California.
Go "whatever, dude," and people walk
away like information was actually
exchanged.
(audience laughing)
I feel really smart there.
I grew up in one of those finely
planned communities where they
wall themselves in.
They got a security gate,
and a moat, and a dragon,
and a troll under the bridge.
I don't know what they're
worried about,
maybe the other planned community
attacking their planned community.
But they always give it a name
like Whispering Ridge or
Agua Fria Villa.
Because they're not going to call it
what it is.
They're not going to say,
keep driving by,
you lower income loser, you.
You can't afford to live here.
Ha ha.
It's not easy to spell "ha ha,"
but you can do it if you try.
You have to drink bottled water
in LA.
I mean, the tap water, you get
all kinds of mystery chunks
in there.
It's not good.
(audience laughing)
I'm getting a bald spot.
It's actually not a bald spot
anymore.
It's more like a district.
It's becoming its own municipality,
which I'm not appreciating at all.
But I did come up with something
that I'm very excited about.
And you guys are going to be
the first people I'm going to tell
about this.
But it's a natural resource
that I've discovered that's going
to save the entire universe.
Are you ready?
No, this is big.
This is huge.
It's a natural, reoccurring, renewable
resource called bobbing
elderly people.
Are you familiar with it?
OK, let me explain this to you.
This is something beautiful.
When people get a certain age,
about 80, when elderly people start
to get super duper cute,
they don't swim anymore.
They just kind of bob around
in the pool.
I'm getting there.
I'm starting to do it a little bit.
So I like to go to the edge
of the pool
and try to get them to pick up
the pace a little bit, like, hey,
hey, hey, hey, come on, come on.
And they start going really fast.
Then you throw in a quarter cup
of detergent and a load of laundry.
This is-- don't you--
this is a natural resource.
It's a bit of a fossil fuel,
if you think about it.
You guys are good.
Thank you.
I wasn't sure.
I mean, I wasn't sure,
but now I know the jokes that
I can do.
(audience laughing)
But living in California,
they don't care what they do.
I mean, we put a grizzly bear
on our state flag.
I googled it.
Do you know how many grizzly bears--
just take a guess--
are running around California?
Just what do you--
- None.
- Zilch.
Yeah, zilch, zero, which
is the gateway to negative three.
Zero's not a lot.
I mean, don't you think they should
update the flag?
Put something on there
that California has a ton of,
like a hippie in a Prius
drinking a smoothie.
That would make sense to me
because we don't need fruit
in California.
We need it
(blender sounds)
mushed and smooshed
and with whey protein.
I can't eat an apple.
I could ruin my tooth.
I need a smoothie.
(blender sounds)
I make a lot of noises now.
I just--
because things are becoming--
I can't say anything without getting
in trouble.
So now, I just, like,
(sound)
and then--
You can't go to court, and the judge
goes, sir,
did you say
(sound)
And I say, "I did."
They go, well, that's legal.
Like, you can't--
Cali, baby.
I was standing in line--
it's not the friendliest place
in the world-- for groceries,
minding my own business.
Bag boy, he looks at me,
and he goes, dude, what are you
looking at, dude?
What are you looking at, dude?
You got a problem, dude?
I said, "nothing, Captain Paper
"or Plastic, I was just sort
"of eyeing your feather duster.
"Maybe it was the chrome handle that
"lured me into your love web.
"I apologize."
Then his eyes glazed over.
And he started to chant,
eggs on top,
canned goods on the bottom.
He turned into a bag boy zombie
right in front of me.
That's a true story.
(smacking sound)
(audience laughing)
Whatever, dude.