Let's kick things off with Tucker Carlson, the world's
most unemployed boat show.
[audience booing]
No one's heard from Tucker since his surprise
firing on Monday, except the pillow
he's been screaming into.
And it turns out there may be a good reason for that.
Fox News executives reportedly have a dossier of dirt on him.
[booing]
Yeah, to keep him from attacking the network.
That's right.
They apparently have him saying the most
vile things you can imagine.
And the way they compiled it-- and this is genius--
is by turning on his television show and pressing Record.
Very sneaky, Fox.
Let's move on to some breaking news.
If you've been following Florida politics,
you're weird.
And also, you know that Ron DeSantis has been attacking
the Disney Corporation for a year
now, ever since Disney criticized his anti-gay bill,
and also because they used his image for Quasimodo.
[laughter]
Dead ringer!
Well, now, the fight has reached the courts.
This morning, Disney sued Ron DeSantis, accusing him of
political retaliation, which--
[cheering, applause]
Good news.
Which sounds bad, but if they really
wanted to [bleep] him up, they'd slip his kid
the Encanto soundtrack.
As a parent-- trust me-- that can ruin your life.
We don't talk about Bruno?
How about we don't talk about giving you up for adoption
if you don't turn that off?
Let's move on to some entertainment news.
Because it was just revealed that Hugh Grant
will star as an Oompa Loompa in the upcoming Willy
Wonka movie.
It's kind of fun.
It kind of makes sense to have Oompa
Loompa be a British dude.
Have you ever gone to the beach with a British person?
This is exactly what their skin looks like after an hour.
And I just want to say, as a woman,
it's nice to see a man age out of sexy roles for once,
you know?
Listen, enjoy Timothee Chalamet while you can,
girls, because one day, he'll be playing Gollum.
Eh, I'd still hit that.
Let's move on to a lawsuit that's rocking the music
world-- oh, although it involves Ed Sheeran, so maybe
not so much rocking as keeping the music world
entertained while shopping.
Sheeran, of course, isn't just Prince Harry with a job.
He's also one of the most successful singer-songwriters
in the world.
But now, some people think that he got there by cheating.
Now to Ed Sheeran in court, defending his Grammy-winning
hit, "Thinking Out Loud."
Sheeran is accused of copying one
of Marvin Gaye's biggest hits.
REPORTER: The family of Ed Townsend,
Marvin Gaye's cowriter, accuses Sheeran
of copying the chord progression, rhythm, and other
elements of "Let's Get It On."
Here's Sheeran's hit--
[ED SHEERAN, "THINKING OUT LOUD"] And baby,
my heart could still fall as hard at 23.
--and Marvin Gaye's.
[MARVIN GAYE, "LET'S GET IT ON"] And if you feel like
I feel, baby, then come on.
REPORTER: Sheeran denies the allegations.
His lawyers plan to defend him by showing
that both songs are based on a common chord progression.
I'm sorry.
This is ridiculous.
Just because something sounds a little bit
like something else, it doesn't mean it was stolen on purpose.
I mean, fourscore and seven years ago, you never would
have seen a lawsuit like this.
I have a dream that someday, these nuisance lawsuits
will come to an end.
Luke, I am your father.
Look, if anyone should be suing Ed Sheeran, it's Elvis.
I mean, stealing a Black guy's music was his idea.
Now, that's copyright infringement.
[cheering, applause]
So I don't know how this is all going to turn out.
But if Ed Sheeran was smart, he tried to move this Marvin
Gaye trial to Florida.
They refuse to acknowledge anything gay there.
[cheering, applause]
And finally, some exciting news out of the world of science.
Researchers are coming very close to answering one of
mankind's biggest questions.
Where are the sharks boning?
Great white sharks are among the most famous fish
in the sea, but a key detail about their lives
has remained a mystery.
For centuries, researchers have been unable to find the place
where they mate in the Atlantic Ocean.
However, scientists may be on the verge of an answer.
Chris Fischer founded Ocearch.
They'll soon hit their goal of 100 captures,
tracking each one online.
There's nine white shark populations around the world,
and no one has ever identified a mating site.
REPORTER: With centuries of people on the ocean,
no one's ever documented this?
Well, this is a 400 million year old secret.
The ocean's not going to give it up easy.
[laughter]
Hold on.
Do sharks even have sex?
I thought they just ejaculated on eggs like salmon
or that Denny's I don't go to anymore.
Grand slam!
[laughter]
But still, this is a very important
scientific discovery.
If there's one thing I know about sharks,
it's that if they stop [bleep] they die.
Oh, wait, no, that's Nick Cannon I'm thinking of.
[cheering, applause]
For more on this research being done by scientists,
we turn to Michael Kosta.
[cheering, applause]
Michael, you're out there on the ocean
with the research team.
Have you found the mating site yet?
Not yet.
The sharks only go to the mating site
if they want to mate.
So we have to wait until they've
reached sufficient levels of what scientists
call "shark horniness."
We've tried to get the sharks in the mood
by throwing rose petals in the water,
playing some Marvin Gaye or Ed Sheeran-- no one can
tell the difference.
But so far, no luck.
I see.
And what exactly is the scientific value of finding
the shark mating site?
Oh, it's incredibly valuable, Desi.
If we can find the part of the ocean
where the great whites mate, then researchers
can place a camera down there.
And then, we get to watch.
For research purposes?
Not really, no.
No, we just want to watch.
Ideally, in one of those underwater cages--
just out of sight, but they know we're there.
And once they really get going, if you turn your oxygen tank
off at the exact right moment, then it, oh, really
kicks it up a notch.
DESI LYDIC: Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, Michael.
That's gross.
You guys only went there to watch these sharks have sex?
Well, not at first, but they're
being so secretive about their mating site, you know?
That now, we got to see it.
If they're hiding it that well, you
know they're doing some real freaky shark
shit down there, OK?
Plus, the scientists told us, and I confirm
this is a real fact, Desi--
great white sharks have two penises.
We got to see how that works.
Oh, my god, Michael.
This is completely, completely--
hold on.
Did you just say two penises?
Go on.
Yeah, yeah.
I wish I could.
I have so many questions.
Do they use both penises at the same time,
or is one of them a spare, right?
Is one a grower and one a shower?
Is it like twins, where one of them
is slightly better-looking than the other?
Science needs to know.
Right, right, right.
Or like, can the shark rub them together while she watches?
Wait, sorry.
God.
No.
Kosta, we didn't send you to the ocean just
to indulge some kink.
How dare you, Desi?
OK?
This isn't kinky.
This is nature.
Studying the cyclical copulation patterns
of these majestic apex predators
could unlock the evolutionary mysteries of the deep.
Wow.
You know what, Michael?
I'm sorry.
I totally underestimated your passion for this.
Yeah, you're right.
This is very exciting.
Oh, yeah, it's exciting.
I am rock-hard just thinking about it.
I got a sperm whale that's about to surface right
here, Desi.
Oh, my god, Jesus Christ.
Michael Kosta, everybody.