Little Debbie's enormous array of ridiculously inexpensive, shelf-stable snack cakes aren't
always the safe bet they seem to be.
Let's run down the best Little Debbie snack cakes, along with the ones that definitely
don't deserve those two grubby quarters banging around at the bottom of your pocket.
What if we told you there was a product that combined the perfect balance of crumbly, sweet
shortbread cookie, smooth ribbons of caramel, and a silky robe of creamy milk chocolate?
And what if we told you it's also presented in a convenient rectangular bar that fits
neatly into the human mouth?
You may think we're talking about the Twix bar, but not so fast.
Twix may have laid the foundation for this combination of sweet ingredients, but we're
actually willing to say that the Little Debbie Salted Caramel Cookie Bar puts the Twix to
shame.
It's essentially the same product, but Little Debbie's version is bigger, cheaper, and allows
you to throw around buzzwords like "salted caramel" to show the world what a sophisticated
consumer you are.
There are two types of people in the world: those who love artificial banana flavoring,
and those who don't.
If you happen to fall in the latter category, Little Debbie Banana Twins present a nightmare
scenario.
It's two layers of sponge cake, filled with white banana-flavored crème filling that
coats the roof of your mouth in fat and burns your sinuses with the intensity of its artificial
flavoring.
Actually, it's hard to tell where that banana flavoring is coming from.
Is it in the frosting?
Is it in the cake itself?
Or has it somehow become airborne?
Also, if you've ever wondered why fake banana flavoring tastes nothing like bananas, it's
worth noting that actual fresh bananas don't taste the way they used to.
Banana flavoring is based on the "Big Mike" varietal of bananas that you could buy at
the store in the first part of the 20th century until they were wiped out by disease in the
1960s.
(Minions speak)
If you think you remember what strawberry shortcake rolls taste like, you've probably
forgotten just how intense they are.
It's impossible to recreate anything remotely like this in your own home kitchen.
The combination of crème filling with that bright red, artificially flavored strawberry
paste wrapped in sponge cake is so incredibly sweet that you can practically feel the lining
of your throat dilate with every swallow.
Fair warning, though: the spike in blood sugar that you'll inevitably experience as your
body attempts to metabolize this treat will be followed by a hard crash.
And then you'll immediately start scheming for ways to scrounge up enough cash for your
next fix.
There's a point at which creating food becomes less like "cooking" and more like "chemical
engineering."
Strawberry Shortcake Rolls make it on to our best list because sometimes you have to stand
in awe of mankind's artificial miracles.
This might be a controversial choice, since the Cosmic Brownie actually has a significant
number of fans.
To us, however, it represents the worst of what Little Debbie has to offer.
It consists of so-called chocolate that really has no discernible flavor whatsoever.
And it's baked into a sludgy mess of dough that's less like a brownie, and more like
your hippie aunt's attempt at making her own Clif bars.
For our money, brownies in general are already in the running for the title of "Worst Dessert."
Taking a factory-made brownie that doesn't taste like anything and shaking brightly-colored
bits on top doesn't improve on the formula.
Cosmic Brownies are suitable strictly as an occasional treat in your kids' lunchboxes,
when you want to send the message that you've stopped loving them.
"Your father and I were blissfully happy before you animals came along, and we won't let you
beat us."
If you were only to eat one Little Debbie product for the rest of your life, then it
should be the humble Nutty Buddy.
Why?
Because all of the characteristics that appear to be shortcomings in the other products somehow
work perfectly together in the Nutty Buddy.
The understated flavor of the peanut butter cream, the crisp and light wafers, and the
skim coat of chocolate all work in the snack's favor, instead of against it.
Unlike most peanut butter flavored treats, the Nutty Buddy never overpowers, but is instead
light enough to follow a meal of any size.
Whether you choose to eat it as designed, or gently break the individual wafers into
layers, the Nutty Buddy delivers every single time.
We might even go so far as to say that it renders all other Little Debbie products immediately
irrelevant.
Little Debbie can call a snack cake that sells for less than the price of a newspaper "fancy"
all they'd like, but that's not going to change what Fancy Cakes essentially are.
They're dry cake that's devoid of any flavoring besides an overpowering sweetness, icing that
flakes off with every bite, and a combination of textures that are all too similar to each
other to be interesting.
It's hard to imagine what created the need for Fancy Cakes, considering their insistence
on forced formality.
Maybe Little Debbie thinks that the only thing that's preventing people from serving most
of their products at weddings and formal events is the color scheme.
But we don't imagine that the monochrome style of Fancy Cakes is going to change minds anytime
soon.