♪ ["I'm Always Here" by Jimi Jamison] ♪ I'll be ready (I'll be ready) ♪
♪ Never you fear (No, don't you fear) ♪
♪ I'll be ready ♪
♪ Forever and always ♪
♪ I'm always here ♪
♪ ♪
[Character names in CAPS are the narrator's comical interpretation]
Narrator: Okay, folks.
We've had a lot of laughs the expense of this show, but I think it's time we sober up because this is a very dramatic episode of Baywatch.
You might just cry like Eddie after finding out he was never in foster care after all.
It was an elaborate prank by his cruel but hilarious parents.
We begin with Craig and Gina having the world's tamest marital spat.
The two of them are set to visit Craig's parents but Gina suggests they go someplace else,
like New York where she is from, as indicated by her t-shirt.
Gina: I would love to see you do something that wasn't all planned out.
Do something spontaneous!
Craig: Oh, you want to see something spontaneous?
Gina: Yeah!
Craig: Watch this.
[slam]
♪ ["Danger" by Mystikal] ♪ Danger! ♪
♪ Danger! ♪
Narrator: Meanwhile, Garner is gathering up homeless people for his sick collection.
Also because there's a tropical storm on the way.
Mitch provides support in the most condescending manner possible.
Mitch: Try and keep your feet dry. I wouldn't want you catching a cold.
MITCH: [chuckle] That was a good one. He should know to leave these things to lifeguards from now on.
Narrator: Unfortunately for Garner he ventures to the one place no one is safe
♪ [Dramatic music sting]
THE DEATH PIER!
[gunshot]
GARNER: Damn you, Death Pier!
Narrator: How the hell does this work?
He was shot so hard his hat flew off?
Dick: You jerk! You had to go and kill a cop!
Narrator: Mild words all things considered.
You know Mitch...
... now is probably not the time to have people working on your roof!
MITCH: I don't care what it takes!
How many lives it costs!
You install my satellite dish!
Narrator: Let's check in on Garner.
[crickets chirping]
Narrator: While Mitch and Craig do one last patrol to make sure everyone is off the beach,
Craig expresses his concern over Gina thinking he can't be spontaneous.
Just last episode he crashed a party to accuse a senator of murder.
Yeah, I think he could be spontaneous sometimes.
Mitch, however, agrees with Gina's assessment.
Mitch: It's just that some people have got a deep-seated psychological need to always be in control.
MITCH: Now buckle up and listen to my problems.
Do you think I can trade Hobbie for another kid at the Adoption Agency?
Mitch: Do you think we'd rest until we found you, did you Henry?
Henry: Sure hope you got something to eat back there.
MITCH: Leave them!
Narrator: Meanwhile, Gina has decided to have an unofficial hurricane party, as you do.
I want that Jacket.
Eddie has taken it upon himself to provide the entertainment.
Shauni: The Three Stooges. Laurel and Hardy. Tweety and Sylvester?
EDDIE: I thought we were supposed to rent SCARY movies!
Narrator: Gina takes this opportunity to air her grievances with Craig.
Gina: You know the dumb part?
We really weren't fighting about anything.
Eddie: You don't have to go on Gina.
Gina: No, it's no big deal.
EDDIE: Don't you see I don't care?!
Narrator: Upon realizing she can either spend the night with her husband or spend an evening watching Tweety Bird with Eddie and Shauni,
Gina goes to make up with Craig.
Shauni: Married people can be really weird.
Eddie: I don't know.
You're not married and you're really weird.
[smack]
EDDIE: Ow! I've never done anything to deserve this!
MITCH: Hide my burgers!
The homeless are coming!
Jill: Everybody off the beach?
MITCH: Yeah, I'm pretty sure
HOBIE: Heeeeeeeeeeeeee----
Narrator: Mitch gets a call from Hobie,
and they're somehow surprised one of the roofers fell and injured himself.
Why are they working in a storm nearly classified as a hurricane?
Not only should they have a sense of self-preservation,
but why did Mitch tell them to keep working?
He's a Professional Life-Saving Individual!
Meanwhile ...
Good God!
How many hours has Garner been facedown in the water?!
How is he still alive?!!
♪ [the music is very foreboding]
Gina: Rat-tail!
Craig: Arg!
Gina: Ah haha!
Narrator: Ah, they got us!
Meanwhile...
Captain Thorpe has some stupid subplot about auditioning for a job at a radio station,
but uh oh!
Trevor's auditioning too!
[chuckles]
There's a severely dangerous tropical storm outside.
Day 6 of Garner's Tropical Storm Adventure:
He finally manages to stay conscious long enough to use the radio.
Unfortunately, he doesn't get through to anyone.
Meanwhile!
(You might notice this is a very "Meanwhile!" episode.)
Shauni and Eddie are enjoying this super Hurricane party...
(Thanks for the invite Gina!)
...when they get to talking about first kisses and romance
[crickets chirping]
♪ ♪
Gob: I've made a huge mistake.
Gina: I talked Jill into coming the party. Did you talk to Eddie and Shauni?
Narrator: There's a tropical storm!
Someone gets some priorities!
But they aren't getting to that party because the fugitives who shot garner were taken in with the homeless folks.
Jill: This is the Baywatch Lifeguard headquarter--!
FRANK: I'll show you to try and be a character!
Narrator: Alright.
You guys had a perfectly legit plot that fits in with your lifeguard theme.
You didn't need to add two fugitives to the mix.
This is like the 8th time in 11 episodes that they've had to stop a murderer.
This is not what lifeguards do!
Luckily for Jill, though, Craig is there with his disappointed father scolding voice.
Craig: HEY!
Narrator: But the fugitives have the upper hand and everyone's stuck there.
How will they get to their hurricane party now???
Mitch: This is some sort of stick-up or something?
Dick: Yeah, that's right. We couldn't decide whether to rob a bank or a lifeguard station, you sand-for-brains!
Narrator: Ok, that was kind of funny.
Points to Baywatch!
Eight months, three days into Garner's Tropical Storm Adventure:
He manages to stumble toward a lifeguard tower.
Garner: EW!
Narrator: He shoots his way inside and calls into headquarters.
Mitch tips him off that the fugitives are there, so basically Garner is their only hope.
They should rename this episode "Garner is the Terminator and Maybe There's a Storm Involved"!
Mitch: These characters are real bad news.
Narrator: I think once you discover someone has shot your friend, they're beyond the "character" stage, Mitch.
While this is going on, Eddie and Shauni are unaware of the danger.
Eddie looks like Steve from "Blue's Clues".
He is also unable to feed himself unless Gina is there but Shauni offers to make him something.
Ah! She's acting like his mother!
Now we know he's got the hots for her.
Eddie: That kiss kind of surprised me.
Shauni: I guess it kind of surprised me, too.
♪ ♪
♪ Oooooo!
Narrator: Oh God, please not a sex scene.
Oh good, it's just a montage.
Yeah, this isn't out of place or anything!
♪ Loooove!
Damn it! It's a sex scene!
Meanwhile, Hobie hangs out with the chick from The Wizard.
Well, he got over what's-her-face pretty quick.
Anyway, this girl is never seen in the show again.
Frank: These boys won't give you any problems as long as I have a little collateral with me now, will you boys?
Craig: I'll go with you.
Frank: Oh thank you, but you're not even my second choice.
CRAIG: Hey, I'd be a wonderful second choice!
[music is sucked into the void of Craig's intense gaze]
Narrator: And for the second time in two weeks, a killer attempts to take Gina hostage.
Damn Baywatch!
Before things can go too far, they're interrupted when one of the window shatters.
Three years and six months into Garner's Tropical Storm Adventure:
He amazingly still hasn't bled to death.
Nay! It seems the closer to death he should be, the stronger he becomes.
He manages to cut off the power to the emergency generator and then,
ignoring the gun we previously saw him use,
chooses to fight one of the fugitives in hand-to-hand combat.
At this point, Jill should be able to jump in and give him a hand.
But no! Garner waits to take out the other guy too.
This one's personal!
[bang bang]
Amazing!
MITCH: I talked to you.
MY SAVE!
Next time on Baywatch:
Mitch and Craig fight over a girl!
Meanwhile, Eddie suffers more bodily harm.
See ya!
♪ ♪