I'm Dr Emma Gray, and I'm the Lead Clinical Psychologist at the British CBT & Counselling
Service.
And in this video, I am going to show you eight techniques to help you to deal with
a breakup.
Now, when a relationship breaks up this can be devastating, particularly if we weren't
expecting it, and you can feel overwhelmed by feelings of rejection, anxiety, anger,
loneliness, and you can feel quite hopeless about the future and what it holds for you.
So, these eight techniques are going to help you to get through that and come out the other
side.
Okay, so, the first technique is to remember how you are feeling is normal.
When we experience a loss, a selection of emotional stages are triggered—and to find
out more about these, you can look at the video that I've done about grief counselling
(and I'll put a link to that in the description below).
But these stages are designed, I suppose, by nature to help us to adapt to a new reality,
to live comfortably again, despite the loss.
So, these stages, very briefly, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
We don't move through these stages, sort of, in one straight line—we jump around between
these stages—but these stages all together will help you to reconfigure your life and
move forward in a positive way.
So, trust this, let the process take its course, don't panic that something is wrong—nothing's
wrong—this is how you're supposed to feel when you lose something.
And most importantly, don't try and truncate the process—and I'm going to talk a little
bit more about that later on in this video—go with it.
Okay.
The second technique is don't catastrophise.
Human beings, when they're faced with uncertainty tend to catastrophise, they tend to predict
the worst is going to happen—so, 'My relationship is over, I'm going to be alone forever.'
When you notice yourself doing this, try and look at that prediction, try and look at the
evidence that's available to support that prediction—what's the evidence for it, and
what's the evidence against it?
And if, through that process, you notice that that's quite unlikely to happen—that catastrophic
future that you're predicting—try and replace that thought with something that's a little
bit more accurate.
So, for example, 'Okay, my relationship is over, my ex didn't want to be with me anymore
because we had different ideas, we wanted different things,' for example.
'But, if I give myself some time to adapt to this, I will be able to find somebody who
shares my ideas, who wants what I want, and I will be happy again because I'm loveable—I'm
likeable.'
Okay, the third technique is to pour all of your energy into your existing relationships;
this will help you to focus on the present and the future and how you're going to live
your life without that relationship.
Relationships enrich our lives, but we can't get all of our needs met in one single relationship.
So, when a relationship ends, it's a good time to, kind of, stop and refocus and think
about the value of the other people in our lives.
Okay, the fourth technique is to create routines and tasks that give you a sense of achievement
and of pleasure; this will make you feel more stable, it will give you some structure, and
it will give you a sense of purpose.
All three of these things are really important for your self-esteem, and also to build your
confidence that you can cope on your own.
The fifth technique is to take care of yourself.
Now, this is particularly important if the end of your relationship has meant that you
have been rejected or criticised.
If you have, you need to take care of yourself—you need to counteract this by being kind to yourself.
So, take this opportunity to reconnect to what you like to do, and then do it.
And this quite simple strategy is one of the core strategies that psychologists use when
they're working with someone with depression.
It's really, really powerful for building self-esteem.
The sixth technique, in my series of eight techniques, is to avoid making negative comparisons
with other people.
Now, this is something that we all do when we feel low—when we feel down.
So, you may suddenly notice every couple on the street, and they'll all look madly in
love.
Maybe your friend's partner suddenly seems incredibly attentive.
And it will be really hard to see that anybody else is in your position.
We're never more aware of other people than when we feel low.
When we feel happy, we rarely give other people a second thought, and what we see when we're
unhappy is through that lens of unhappiness.
So, keep in mind everybody is struggling with something—regardless of what they say on
Instagram.
And it's never easier to make a negative comparison with someone else than when we feel low, and
this comparison is rarely accurate.
So, just notice when you're doing that and bear these things in mind.
So, strategy number seven is be alone.
When a relationship ends, you may notice a panicky feeling and an urge to get straight
into a replacement relationship—don't.
It's really important for your long-term health and well-being that you have a confidence
that you can be on your own.
I suppose the other thing is that it's really hard to make a healthy relationship choice
when we're starting a relationship to avoid being alone.
Give yourself a chance to build up your confidence that you can be alone; then all future relationships
will be far more fulfilling because you'll be in them because you want to be in them,
not because you feel you need to.
Finally, the eighth technique is make this count—make what has happened count.
Pause, take stock—where are you, what do you want?
There's something good to be found in every single experience if we look for it.
So, trust that you will feel better soon, trust the idea that nature has equipped you
to deal with loss—we have particular psychological and emotional skills that will help us get
through difficult periods like the breakup of a relationship.
Okay, so, that's the end of this video, if it was helpful, please like, subscribe, and
share with your friends.
I'll see you soon.