Let's begin with Mitch McConnell.
Senate majority leader
and guy who had his face ripped off by a chimp,
but then got an experimental face transplant
that mostly worked.
You may remember back in 2016,
McConnell blocked President Obama
from appointing Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court because,
(mimics McConnell): "A president shouldn't get
to fill a Supreme Court seat in an election year."
(normal voice): But now that Donald Trump is president,
McConnell says,
(mimics McConnell): "Players gotta play."
TV REPORTER: Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell
is raising some eyebrows this morning
for comments that he made during a luncheon in Kentucky.
Yesterday, McConnell was asked what would happen
if a Supreme Court seat opened up in the lead up
to the 2020 presidential election.
REPORTER: If a Supreme Court justice died next year
what would you do?
I would fill it.
-(chuckles, clears throat) -(audience laughing)
(mimics McConnell laughing)
You know, say what you want about Mitch McConnell,
but he is truly the perfect movie villain.
Right? No, he is.
And not just because he looks like if Jabba the Hutt got
a gastric bypass, no.
No, it's because, it's because, like, look at how he did it.
He took a sip of his drink,
and then he just revealed his evil plan,
then he gave a creepy-ass smile.
Classic movie villain.
I'm surprised he didn't end the press conference
by turning into a cloud of bats.
Mwah-ha-ha-ha.
Bwah-ba-ha, ba-ha.
It's also funny, because, like,
when a villain does this in a movie, we're always like,
"You idiot, why would you reveal your plan?
Now the good guys can stop you."
But in real life we're just like "Aha! Now we can stop him.
"We just need 50 votes in the Senate
to, uh-- Wait. Who's got the votes?
(mimics McConnell): "That's right.
I can do what I want, bitch. Mwah-ha-ha."
(normal voice): And the worst part is,
Mitch McConnell lives so deep in Senate procedure
that it's not easy to explain to people
why his plan is so evil, right.
Other people are easy to explain.
Like normal villains you can just, you can just be like,
"Why is he evil? Oh, he eats children."
But with Mitch, it's like, "Why is he so evil, Trevor?"
It's like, okay, "So, historically, the Senate
has been defined, right, has defined its mandate
as advice and consent, and it's just like,
"Hey, where are you going?!"
Moving on.
The abortion battle in America continues to heat up.
Alabama passed an abortion ban, and now there's a lawsuit
that has been filed to block it.
Missouri is trying to shut down its only abortion clinic
and people are rallying to keep it open.
And over in Georgia, its new anti-abortion law
has earned it a powerful enemy.
Netflix is vowing to rethink its entire investment in Georgia
if the state's recently passed abortion law goes into effect.
The streaming giant also plans to work with the ACLU
to fight the measure in court.
Several other film and production companies
have also threatened to pull out of Georgia
because of the law.
Yeah, of course they're gonna pull out.
You don't have access to abortion.
That's... one of your only options now.
And, you know, I know Netflix wants people to think
it's doing this out of principle, but remember,
this law would affect their business.
It is hard to Netflix and chill
when chilling has become so much more risky.
Chill is 70% of Netflix, my friend, yeah.
I'm actually surprised that they don't have a movie category
called "Background Shows for Boning," just for that.
There should be some.
(laughter)
And I respect what Netflix is doing, but I-I feel like
they might not have a big enough show right now
to be making those demands, you know.
'Cause if, like Game of Thrones had come in
and been like, "Hey, before we air the last season,
we want America back in the Iran deal,"
shit would have happened. Yeah.
Trump would have been on the next plane to Tehran, like,
(mimics Trump): "We've got to save Jon Snow.
He's the only one who loves walls as much as me."
(normal voice): And Netflix isn't alone.
Netflix isn't alone. Many Hollywood productions
are threatening to leave Georgia, right.
Although that works for some shows better than others,
because it doesn't matter if Young Sheldon
is shot in Georgia, but it does matter for Atlanta.
I mean, it would be weird if they had to move Atlanta
to, like, Salt Lake City.
Yeah, I mean, it would change the show.
You'd just have Mormons in every episode, like,
"Hello, the boy of paper, we meet again."
And finally, let's go
to that extreme weather that's all over the news.
In the last 30 days,
the Midwest has been hit by over 500 tornadoes.
Yeah. And people's nerves are starting to fray.
The region around Dayton, Ohio is hit hard by tornadoes
that left a path of destruction overnight.
And one local weathermen lost it when some viewers attacked him
for interrupting the broadcast of The Bachelorette
for an urgent weather bulletin.
This is a dangerous situation, okay?
I was just checking social media.
We have viewers complaining already.
"Just go back to the show."
No, we're not going to back to the show, folks.
I'm done with you people, I really am.
This is pathetic.
Our job here is to keep people safe
and that is what we're gonna do.
Some of you have complained that this is all about my ego.
Stop!
"Just stop!
Okay? Just stop!"
Oh, man, this poor weatherman, you know?
Like, he's totally right.
Think about it. These people are busy bitching
about, like, missing a bit of The Bachelorette
when tornadoes are coming at their house.
No wonder he's mad. Although I don't think
you should get mad, Mr. Weatherman.
You know what you should just do?
You should just find out where these people live
and then just give them incorrect weather reports. Yeah.
Just be like, "There's lightning everywhere
"except near Bill Peterson's house. It's great there.
"Go outside with an aluminum bat, Bill.
See what happens."
(laughter)
I will say this, though.
On the other hand, on the other hand,
I understand why Bachelor Nation is so pissed off, right?
'Cause it's not like this guy's the only source for weather.
Yeah, he's like, "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be dead.
How would you know what's gonna happen in the weather?"
It's like, yeah, we got phones. We got phones. I mean...
If a tornado comes, my phone will alert me,
and then I'll check the alert,
and then I'll get distracted by Instagram,
and then the tornado will hit me while I'm liking photos.
Very simple.
So I can see it both ways. Here's my compromise, right?
I see what the weatherman is saying.
I see what Bachelorette fans are saying, right?
I think we should combine the two worlds.
The weatherman should do the weather report,
and if he needs to interrupt The Bachelorette,
then he has to update us on both.
So you got to be like, "We got a stage five tornado,
"and, even crazier, Luke P. said 'I love you,'
"and it's only the second episode!
This is wild! This is wild!"