Michael Cohen,
Trump's former attorney and world's droopiest man,
was sentenced to three years in prison
for arranging payments to cover up Trump's affairs.
And no wonder this guy looks so sad.
He's going to jail and his arm has no bones in it.
(laughter)
(laughing): It's just like that.
And-and can I just say, can I just say,
I don't get why Trump and his people paid women
to keep quiet about his affairs; it's a waste of money.
We all know the guy has affairs.
If anything, the women should be paying Trump hush money.
They should be like, "Hey, Donald, let's just keep this
"between us and your cheese doodle, yeah?
Don't tell anybody.”
And now, and, look, I know that it seems like every day
there's a new bombshell in the Trump story,
but this update, this update could actually be major.
TV REPORTER: Another friend of the president
is now cooperating.
Prosecutors say the publisher of The National Enquirer agreed
to talk about paying hush money to cover up
an alleged sexual affair for the president.
TV REPORTER: Prosecutors revealed yesterday
they struck a deal not to charge
the Enquirer's parent company, AMI, for its involvement.
In exchange, AMI admitted that its principal purpose
in making the payment was to suppress the woman's story
to prevent it from influencing the election.
Okay, now this is massive.
The National Enquirer has agreed
to testify against Donald Trump.
And I know you're wondering,
"Oh, what could a gossip magazine
possibly tell prosecutors?”
Yeah. What, are they just gonna be like,
"I'll right, I'll tell you everything I know.
"Here are five celebs who look fat on vacation.
I'll tell you, and you won't believe number four.”
But in this case, it's a big deal, right?
Because The National Enquirer
has been tight with Trump for decades. So tight, in fact,
that if anybody had a scandalous story about Trump,
The National Enquirer would pay for that story,
and literally lock it away in a safe.
And now, now that they're cooperating with the Feds,
we may get to see what's in that safe.
Which means Chuck Schumer can put his favorite cat suits away.
Yeah.
Yeah, you can change out of that Chuck, we're good.
Although, if there is a safe filled with Trump secrets,
I just assume whoever enters it immediately gets HPV.
It's just like blech, blech.
Now look, now look,
paying people hush money is not a crime; remember this.
But if it turns out that a presidential candidate
secretly used campaign funds to hide damaging information
from voters, that is a felony.
And today, it's being reported
that Donald Trump was actually in the room
when the whole plan was hatched.
Which is a big deal.
'Cause, remember, he wasn't even in the room
when his own son was hatched. Yeah.
And that's right, I said it.
Eric is part bird. It's one of the stories
the National Enquirer locked away, people.
So, the president is implicated in a criminal conspiracy.
And most people agree
that this looks really bad for President Trump,
but according to many top Republicans, no, it doesn't.
If Schiff is taking this beyond to go forward
and say there's an impeachable offense
because of a campaign finance problem,
there's a lot of members in Congress
who would have to leave for that same place.
If we're gonna prosecute people and put them in jail
for campaign finance violations,
-we're gonna become a banana republic. -Let me ask you...
Like, where they have every president gets prosecuted,
and everybody gets thrown in jail
when they're done with office.
Okay, hold up, hold up.
Did he just say that upholding the law
will turn America into a banana republic?
Is that what he just said? This is mind-blowing.
How are lawmakers going on TV complaining about the law
when they make the law?
They're out there like, "These laws are crazy."
You make the law.
This would be like God
complaining to us about the Commandments.
"Oh, I mean, what do you mean, thou shalt not covet?
"Have you seen Greg's wife? Have you seen her?
"Have you seen her Instagram?
"She's been posting thirst traps, guys.
I can't... I can't control myself."
Seriously, his argument
is that politicians shouldn't be held accountable
for campaign finance violation laws.
But if campaign finance laws aren't for politicians,
then who the (bleep) are they for?
(laughter)
It's like...
(cheering and applause)
But at least...
at least those politicians, at least those Republicans
pretended that they had a reason.
For Orrin Hatch, he just told us the truth.
(laughter)
Really? You think he's doing a good job as president?
Orrin Hatch, you need to get your imaginary glasses checked,
my friend. That's what you need to do.
You need to get them checked, okay?
(cheering and applause)
And, also... and, also,
doing a good job doesn't absolve you
of previous crimes.
All right? The Hamburglar did a good job
of volunteering for Doctors Without Borders,
but that doesn't change the fact that he stole all those Big Macs
and exposed himself to Grimace.
It's still a crime. And, look, I understand.
I understand the Republicans' desire
to protect their party's president. I get that.
But they're pivoting so far just to defend him
that they're moving away from what they said
the Republican party stands for in the first place:
law and order.
No one is above the law.
The American people have a right to know the answers
and to know what was going on here.
We should treat people fairly.
No one should be above the rules,
and no one should be above the law.
We are enforcing the laws as they exist on the books.
I can say that it is very biblical
to enforce the law.
That is actually repeated a number of times
throughout the Bible.
We must maintain law and order at the highest level,
or we will cease to have a country.
100%.
I am...
the law and order candidate.
"That's right, folks.
"I am the law and order candidate,
as in, I will break the law in order to become president."