- Before we get started, before we get started,
I just wanted to say a few things.
First of all, this is surreal for me.
I'm not gonna lie,
growing up in the dusty streets of South Africa
I never dreamed that I would one day have
well, two things really.
An indoor toilet,
(audience laughing)
and a job as host of The Daily Show
(audience applause)
and now I have both,
(audience laughing)
and I'm quite comfortable with one of them.
(audience laughing)
But the truth is, now I'm in the chair,
and I can only assume that this is as strange for you
as it is for me.
Jon Stewart was more than just a late night host.
He was often our voice, our refuge,
and in many ways our political dad,
and it's weird, because dad has left,
(audience laughing)
and now, it feels like the family has a new stepdad,
(audience laughing)
and he's black.
(audience laughing)
(audience applause)
Which is not ideal.
(audience laughing)
I also know that many people have questions.
For example, why isn't a woman hosting the show,
because surely, it's about time.
Well, it turns out that Comedy Central
did ask women to host
and the women they asked turned the job down
because they all had better things to do
and clearly knew something I didn't.
(audience laughing)
Also, why didn't they get an American to host
and again, Comedy Central tried,
and those people also declined,
and so once more, a job Americans rejected
is now being done by an immigrant.
(audience laughing)
(audience applause)
Many people are part of the reason
that I'm sitting here today,
but above all I would be remiss
if I didn't acknowledge one man and that's Jon Stewart.
Thank you, Jon.
(audience applause)
Thank you.
Thank you for believing in me.
I'm not quite sure what you saw in me
but I'll work hard every day to find it
and I'll make you not look like
the crazy old dude who left his inheritance
to some random kid from Africa.
(audience laughing)
(audience applause)
And to you, the Daily show viewer,
both new and old,
at home or on your phone,
thank you for joining us
as we continue the war on bullshit.
(audience applause)
Now seeing as this is my first show,
we wanted to start it off with something a little light,
so here we go, Syria.
(audience laughing)
Just kidding, it's the Pope, yeah!
(audience applause)
- [Announcer] Pope Francis captivates the Capitol.
- [Announcer] More than 20,000 people
at Madison Square Garden.
- [Announcer] 80,000 at Central Park.
- [Announcer] One million people in Philadelphia.
- [Announcer] Like a rock star was arriving.
- [Announcer] Pope mania!
- [Announcer] Pope-apalooza!
(audience laughing)
- Pope-chella.
(audience laughing)
Pope by Southwest.
The World Series of Poper!
And what do you give to the Pope that has everything?
- There have been a number of new emojis created
to commemorate this trip,
including one of the Pope kissing a baby,
and another one of him eating a sub.
I'm assuming it's a Philly Cheese steak.
- Finally, Pope-mojis.
(audience laughing)
For when you want to inject
just the right amount of confusion
into your late night sexting.
(audience laughing)
Sup girl, you up,
because eggplant, winky face,
cartoon Pope likes cheese steaks.
(audience laughing)
Good luck figuring that one out.
(audience laughing)
(audience applause)
But in quieter moments,
his holiness wanted to talk politics.
- Climate change is a problem.
Protect the vulnerable in our world.
As the son of an immigrant family,
I am happy to be a guest in this country
which was largely built by such families.
(audience applause)
- Yeah, hates inequality and climate change.
Loves immigrants.
He's like a young Bernie Sanders.
(audience applause)
And from the moment he arrived,
Francis showed that he rolls humble.
- [Announcer] After being greeted by the President,
the Vice president and an adoring crowd
at Andrews Air Force Base,
he was whisked away in a tiny FIAT
dwarfed by the Secret Service vehicles surrounding him.
- Oh, that's a tiny car.
(audience laughing)
Somebody's under compensating.
(audience laughing)
I'm saying the Pope has a huge.
That was a joke.
(audience laughing)
That's a joke,
and what a waste.
(audience laughing)
But how much could the Pope really do in one weekend?
Would he have a really lasting effect on America?
Well, the truth is, he did.
- [Announcer] The Beltway bombshell.
House Speaker Jon Boehner,
abruptly resigning from Congress.
- [Announcer] The move comes a day after Boehner
a devout Catholic welcomed the Pope to the U.S. Capitol.
- No.
Why leave now?
I just got here.
(audience laughing)
I got a fancy suit and a new set
and I learned how to pronounce your name.
(audience laughing)
Bay-ner.
(audience laughing)
Now I know this wasn't the biggest news of the weekend.
I mean, there was huge news out there.
Blood red moon, the tragic Fetty Wap accident,
#prayforfetty.
(audience laughing)
and of course, the Mets made the playoffs.
(audience applause)
Yeah.
I don't know what that is,
but Jon told me it would work.
(audience laughing)
Now, to understand why Boehner leaving is such a big deal,
you have to understand what a big deal Boehner was.
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] The speaker controls the floor of the House
and you can't bring anything up
without really his say so.
- That's right.
You cannot make a law in America
without the Speaker's approval.
John Boehner has final say about which laws come in
and which laws don't.
He's basically the bouncer at Club Congress.
(audience laughing)
Which is probably the worst club ever.
First of all, there's hardly any woman in the club.
There's always a bunch of old guys
talking about laying pipe.
(audience laughing)
Oh and everyone at the club has aids.
Aids, the people that help you.
(audience laughing)
Too late!
To lose a Speaker as effective as Boehner
must have been crushing for the Republicans.
I mean, he helped enact budget cuts
that for the first time in decades
decreased federal spending for two years in a row.
He made most of the Bush tax cuts permanent
and he deported Taco Tuesdays
from the cafeteria menu.
(audience laughing)
You know who had a tough job?
Republican Candidate Marco Rubio,
who had to break the bad news to a room of Conservatives.
- Just a few minutes ago,
Speaker Boehner announced that he will be resigning.
(audience applause)
(audience laughing)
- Nope.
Okay, that did not go how I thought.
Just by the way, that,
that right there,
that is the face of a man
who's not used to getting applause.
Look at him.
Look at his face.
He's like what are you doing with your hands?
What is going on?
Well, let me explain to you Rubio,
no they have not made you popular overnight.
That was last weekend's Values Voter Summit.
A gathering of some of the radical Conservatives
who shut down the government over Obamacare in 2013`
and the same people who wanted to shut it down again
over Planned Parenthood this very week
and for Boehner this was the last straw.
- [Announcer] Throughout his nearly five year tenure,
he struggled with a fractured
and more conservative Republican Caucus.
Boehner has clashed with unruly hard line conservatives
who felt he was too willing to compromise.
- What they meant is, at all willing to compromise.
(audience laughing)
You see, for this faction, even John Boehner,
the man once ranked the eighth
most conservative man in Congress,
wasn't right wing enough.
It's like crack telling meth
that it's not addictive enough.
(audience laughing)
Yo man, you gotta step your game up, Crystal.
You make teeth fall out, big deal.
I took down Whitney Houston.
(audience laughing)
Too soon?
So the radicals finally got what they wanted.
John Boehner's very tan head on a plate
and now that the turmoil is all over,
what is the result?
- [Announcer] Turmoil is gonna get a lot worse.
- And even worse climate.
- More and not less confrontational.
- The next Speaker is going to face
the same problems that Boehner did.
- The same problems,
that include a hair trigger set of tear ducts
that go off any time a child picks a flower.
(audience laughing)
For more on this,
we go to Senior Congressional Correspondent
Jordan Klepper everyone.
(audience applause)
- Hello brother.
Hello.
(audience applause)
- Jordan, what's next for the outgoing Speaker?
- Look, a man like Boehner
is going to have a lot of options.
Word on the Hill is he thinking
of becoming a professional onion slicer.
(audience laughing)
Obviously, he'd be great as
a seat filler at a funeral,
or Claire Danes impersonator.
(audience laughing)
- And I guess more importantly Jordan,
what are you hearing about who will replace Boehner?
I mean, wow, those are big shoes to fill.
- Oh well, I'm sure they'll find someone
extremely qualified.
- Yeah, Jordan,
but this is John Boehner.
I mean, whoever takes that job
will probably fall flat on their face
in front of the entire nation.
- Yeah, I get how you're feeling.
Taking over for John Boehner is hard.
(audience laughing)
It doesn't have to be a disaster.
- I don't know about that, Jordan.
I can already hear everyone saying the thing,
John, please come back.
Please come back.
- Sure, yes.
Okay yes, and everyone's feeling nostalgia
for the old leader,
but maybe the new guy will surprise us
and just crush it.
(audience applause)
I feel like he's gonna kill it.
I bet he'll bring a new global perspective to things.
(audience laughing)
- I'm sorry, global.
What are you talking about?
- I just keep hearing global.
I don't know what the it means.
Global.
(audience laughing)
I hear viral and youth.
I mean, everything's just so new!
(audience laughing)
The desk is different.
There's a new font.
Nobody asked me.
- Jordan, Jordan!
Jordan!
- I only hope the new Speaker of the House knows
that certain people are depending on him.
I just bought a condo.
Why'd I buy a condo?
- Jordan, calm down!
Calm down, Jordan!
I see what's happening.
You are really intensely passionate about politics.
I get it.
(audience laughing)
- Damn it, he's an idiot!
(audience laughing)
Shit.
Honey, you're gonna have to sell the condo.