[Applause] welcome one and all to The Late Show I'm your host Stephen Colbert I certainly hope
I hope you had a great weekend I spent mine being fancy attending President Biden's first
White House State dinner I mean just look at the beautiful Evan McGee Colbert and
and her and her doughy plus one she cleans up real nice it was a great night the White
House is lovely Christmas decorations were beautiful and the whole shebang was thrown
in honor of French president Emmanuel macron seen here making his glass of champagne blush
good looking fella The Stereotype here's the thing The Stereotype is that French
men are Suave and charming and imagine that crawl does nothing to fight that stereotype
when I met him this is true he leaned in and said argente
my baguette was buttered [Applause] when Emmy
foreign
he gave her hand one of those sort of like half uh kiss half nods like that and she
responded with the traditional American Greeting a full body chest bump all yelling get her done
thank you for representing our country my darling really one of the highlights
of the evening was a fantastic performance by our friend John Baptiste we were there
we were on that we're on the edge of our seats listening to his music hoping his jacket wouldn't
catch fire so it was a lovely evening Joe you were there playing the drums yeah fantastic
wasn't an amazing evening dude what an honor absolute honor to be there it was lovely I
want to thank President Biden and the first lady for having us uh my only regret was that I missed
Nancy Pelosi's daughter Alexandra Pelosi asking Joe Biden what foods the U.S is best known for
our Cuisine because apparently the president replied hot dogs ice cream and spaghetti look
people like to talk about how old he is and he is but they never give him credit for having
the pallet of a four-year-old I hope he does I certainly hope Joe is in control of the venue
for the next State Dinner uh tonight we have dinosaur nuggets on a bed of cheddar goldfish
followed by strawberry Goldberg
it's fine you get the idea you get the idea
best part of the night was when I hit the dance floor and busted a move with White House Press
Secretary Kareem Jean-Pierre and I saw that you saw that Joe I was clearly the best dancer
on the floor all night right Karine I don't want to don't want to comment on it foreign
no I don't want to claim to be a political power broker but I
will point out that the same day I partied with Joe Biden he asked the
DNC to make South Carolina the nation's first primary state so I go to the White
House and suddenly Joe Biden wants to put my home state first you do the math okay
right here
because I am not good at math because I went to school in South Carolina of course moving
the first Democratic primary contest of South Carolina is a big blow to
Iowa which has been first in nominating a process for the president for over half a
century and what was the reason all politicians agreed to start in Iowa
it's true thank you thank you secretary corn kid but Democrats say that moving
South Carolina ahead of Iowa will involve more minority voters given that Iowa is the country's
seventh widest State still this change will be hard on Iowa's minority population Frank
it seems surprisingly happy about it
speculation that South Carolina helped Biden clinch the nomination in 2020 so this move
makes it abundantly clear that he intends to run for re-election in 2024. well [Music] [Applause]
some of the audience is excited about that [Applause]
at this point he'll be 81 so maybe not so much a run as a very confident Shuffle
again again thank you for dinner
speaking of presidents the old bad one is still out there he threw a hissy fit
this weekend once again whining that the 2020 election was stolen from him
but this time he added a new wrinkle quote a massive fraud of this type and magnitude allows
for the termination of all rules regulations and articles even those found in the Constitution
you dummy you can't terminate the Constitution the Constitution is America
for Pete's sake come on view
you don't see macron running for president of France on a platform of outlawing threesomes
I believe that is their constitution so why is the former president calling for the termination
of the Constitution well it's a long stupid story and there's a penis at the end of it
come with me won't you started with Twitter CEO and rejected Village person Elon Musk
for weeks musk has been hyping in internal Twitter report that supposedly exposed liberal bias at
the social media company during the 2020 election now musk gave the report to journalist Matt taibi
who on Friday posted a Twitter thread showing Twitter Executives debating how to handle tweets
concerning a discovered laptop belonging to Hunter Biden again with the hunter Biden laptop give it
a rest you don't hear anyone obsessing over the former president's son's laptop and Eric's got a
good one it's made by Fisher Price and it can tell you what sound a cow makes very accurate
the cow says I'll turn States evidence [Applause] everybody's talking is what I'm saying the hot
juicy Scandal nugget supposedly at the center of this supposed takedown was this exchange between
Twitter employees one related request from the Biden team to review five tweets and the other
employee replied handled these oh dang handled as with hands Scandal hands Scandal handles so it was
in those tweets that Joe Biden was so desperate to have handout Hunter Biden's penis pictures
Elon was all over it he replied directly to the penis cover-up tweet with if this
isn't a violation of the Constitution's First Amendment what is I want to tell you what is Elon
and if the government stops me from telling you what is that would be a violation of the First
Amendment this is not this is just not part of the jump the junk bang no even the usual
Hunter Biden laptop enthusiasts were yawning including former aides to the ex-president and
evil twin of Sebastian Gorka Sebastian Gorka responds to Elon supposed bombshell Gorka
tweeted so far and I'm deeply underwhelmed adding big [ __ ] [Laughter] [Applause]
he's so underwhelmed he couldn't even manage a full foreign former president is not the
only one spreading hate on the internet there's also disgraced shoe salesman yay
seen here pointing at the problem
yay
has been on a bit of a Not So Beautiful Dark Twisted anti-semitic fantasy tour culminating
on Thursday when he tweeted an image of a swastika inside the Star of David and was
suspended from Twitter but he's still welcome on the pro-nazi social media platform Twitter on the
same day he was kicked off Twitter a second time Kanye went on the Alex Jones hate Fest wearing a
black mask and he had a strange disagreement with Alex I'm just saying I don't like Nazis
and I don't like what some of the mafias are doing either Hitler wow that is upsetting
and it's got to be the worst career-ending segue into a commercial break ever [Applause]
reminds me of cronkite's famous sign off and that's the way it is I kill Drifters for fun
and now a word from Smucker's jelly we got a great show for tonight guests are John David
Washington and Tennis champion Naomi Osaka whoever come back meanwhile join us [Music]
foreign [Music]