(upbeat string music)
- Hi, I'm Hannah, your friendly neighborhood wine mom
and if you're anything like me,
you believe that a glass of wine at eight p.m.
makes you a better mom,
so pour yourself a glass and let's talk.
Tonight, we're gonna drink some Chardonnay.
And it's actually cold,
which usually I just put ice cubes in it.
Feeling pretty classy right now.
So here's why I'm drinking tonight.
Bringing it back.
I have had the same song stuck in my head
for the past three days,
and it's not like a normal song that's on the radio.
It's a kids' TV show song, and I'm not gonna hum it
because one, we don't have the rights,
and two, I don't wanna get it stuck in your head.
I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.
So on that note, let's talk about
the worst things about kid's TV shows.
It's gonna be a 15 minute episode.
So first, the reason why I'm drinking.
The music in these kids' TV shows.
It's so catchy, it's so repetitive.
The tune is just so, like, sing song,
so I can just be in the same room
as my son watching one of these shows
and the whole song is stuck in my head
for the next three weeks.
Like I'll be at work and I'll like
inadvertently start humming or even full on
singing these songs and I'll be like:
♫ If you have friends then you share
I look up and everybody's looking at me like
what the, what?
Like I'll find myself on the third week of having a song
stuck in my head singing myself to sleep,
like rocking back and forth in my bed like:
♫ If you have friends you must share
Goodnight, Hannah, sleep tight.
So I really wish I had a solution for this.
There's no way around it, to be honest,
unless you're willing to invest in a lifetime supply
of earplugs, we're all kinda sunk.
Next, Caillou.
You all know what I'm talkin' about,
but before I get started, just.
Now I'm ready.
Where do I even start about this shitty ass kid?
First of all, if you haven't seen it, don't.
Don't Google it, don't YouTube it, trust me.
You've been warned, don't do it.
Caillou is every parent's worst nightmare.
Caillou is like this weirdly ambiguous child,
and I think they said that they tried to make it
to represent every child, but it's like he's just
a bald white kid, so way to go on representation there.
And he talks in this voice that's like:
Mom, Rosie touched my painting.
Mom, Rosie, she's touching my train.
Even when he's happy his voice is like that.
Oh my gosh, Mom, I'm having the best day ever.
(high-pitched squealing)
It's this voice that gets under your skin
and feels like spiders crawling under your skin.
And then the poor parents are just like dead inside.
You'll see Caillou be like Mom, Rosie broke my toy.
And the parent's just like Caillou, it's okay.
Be nice to your sister.
So basically all it does is teach your kids to be a douche
and it teaches the parents that if your kid is a douche,
you're just gonna die inside.
So Caillou's mom, I know you've got a stash of wine
in your bedroom and you're just like chugging that shit
the second the kids go to bed.
This one's for you.
Next, these shows suck you right in.
These shows are made for kids, but I swear they're also
inadvertently made for parents to like
also get involved in these.
Because my son will be watching it, I'll be folding laundry
on the other side of the room, and he's like watching
some show and they're asking him oh what do I need to see?
Glasses?
A saw?
A chair?
Of course I'm gonna be like the glasses!
And then my kid's like Mom, I was guessing!
Even after my son has like fully finished watching
and left the room to go play in his room,
I'll continue watching them for like a good 20 more minutes.
My husband actually walked into the house one time
and I was sitting on the couch watching Dora the Explorer
sitting there like.
The map.
And I just want a children's show that I can ignore.
Is that too much to ask?
Next, the adventures.
The majority of these kids TV shows involve the main
child character going on some crazy adventure
to do something absolutely phenomenal
to like save the world.
I can't live up to that.
It's like my son watches these shows and he's like
Mom, can we go on a pumpkin space ride?
And I'm like.
And the worst show for this is Dora the Explorer.
Because she is like four and her parents just let her wander
wherever the hell she wants and she gets to go through
the forbidden forest.
Oh, that's Harry Potter.
She gets to go through the magic mountain and climb trees
and go off.
She has like a monkey chaperone.
Who trusts a monkey to chaperone a child?
But she's just off, off in the world wandering around
from city to city just picking up friends on the way,
talking to strangers as this weird, creepy fox
trying to rob her all the time.
It's like if that was my kid I'd be like you stay
the fuck inside.
What are you doing going outside?
I don't care if this bluebird lost its mom,
it can figure its own shit out.
Then my kids watch that and they're like
why can't I go wander around the neighborhood alone?
Because the real world is not like Dora the Explorer.
I'm sorry, child.
Why aren't there kid shows with adventures
in folding the laundry?
Or like drying the dishes or Swiffering the floor?
Kids are super impressionable.
As long as you present something in a cool way,
they'll wanna do it.
So instead of Dora the Explorer, why isn't there like
Chad, the kid who helps out around the house.
That's the kind of show I'd like my kids to watch.
Kevin, you can draw.
Let's make a kids' series about cleaning.
He's a really great cartoonist.
He's gonna do this.
Kevin, can you animate it?
So last, real life adults.
There's something very unsettling about adults
on kids' TV shows, especially if it's a cartoon show
with a real live adult.
Because they're adults, but then on these shows
they're pretending to be really interested
in like a warm glass of milk with dinner.
I'm watching this thinking no,
you definitely do some weird shit on the weekends.
But the only exception is the Wiggles and Blue's Clues,
because the Wiggles are awesome and they're super cute
and the yellow one is super cute.
And Steve from Blue's Clues is a babe.
I don't know why they replaced him with Joe,
this knock-off orange shirt character.
It's like orange is the most unsettling color.
Why do you have him wear this orange shirt
if you're wanting to get us to appreciate a new character
when we've already fallen in love with Steve.
But they just bring in Joe like guys, here's Joe,
and you have like all this weird new stuff that you do.
You don't just sketch beautiful pictures in your notebook,
you do all this other weird stuff.
Like Steve was just trying to sketch nice pictures
in his notebook, find the clues.
It was like hide and seek, basically,
and it was so awesome, and then they bring in Joe,
this new person, who's just like.
Do you see what I'm doing?
See what I'm doing?
I'm like so into this and it's not even a show for me.
So I guess they're awful, but they're doing their jobs
really, really well.
Joe sucks.
Steve rules.
That's all I got for today.
I'm Hannah, your friendly neighborhood wine mom,
and if there's a show that I missed
that you particularly don't like, leave it in the comments,
because my youngest son is about the age to start
watching TV and I need to know what to avoid,
because I'm sure there's a new Caillou at this point.
And as always, if there's a topic you'd like me
to talk about in the next episode,
leave that in the comments, too,
because I love talking about what you guys wanna hear.
Till next time.
Where's my TV remote?