There’s a cool parent and a not-so-cool parent.
Like, dad says go to bed, but then mom comes in and says, “You can stay up and read your
comics for a bit, I won’t tell your dad.” They played the “good parent, bad parent”
routine, it’s a common routine. And back in the early 90s, when they were bigger than
ever before…video games basically had two parents, playing the exact same routine.
Nintendo would lecture you about right and wrong…and then SEGA would sneak into your
bedroom, through the window. “Hey, kid…I’ve got some blood and guts, if you want ‘em.”
Actually, SEGA should’ve…maybe been in prison, looking back on it. And this games
only strengthens the case. Dad-tendo was giving you colorful dinosaurs and fat pink circles…
SEGA-mom was giving you guns that explode people.
The custody battles took years. It’s Techno Cop, for the SEGA Genesis.
So what it is is…it’s like someone said, “Hey, SEGA doesn’t seem to care how violent
your games are, they’ll just put ‘em on the Genesis. Let’s test that theory. How
‘bout a car that can blow up Mac trucks, and a handgun that somehow blows people up
from the inside? I mean, there’s no freaking way they’ll let us get away with that.”
“What’s that, they let us get away with that?”
“Alright, put a bullet in the little old lady.”
“Wait, they still don’t care?”
“F*cking hell. Fine, execute her f*cking grandson.”
“Jesus Christ. What it’s gonna take, SEGA?”
So the game’s called Techno Cop. Which is totally original and doesn’t sound like
anything I’ve ever heard of. And it tells the story of Techno Cop, a guy who drives
through Nebraska blowing up vacationers on their way to other places. They must be vacationers,
because who else is driving through Nebraska?
Anyway, he gets a call about actual crimes that are going down, but since the only crimes
in Nebraska are the ones he’s perpetrating, he turns off the road and somehow teleports
to cities from the 1980s. They must be cities from the 1980s, because if you learned anything
from the 1980s, it’s that cities are dangerous places with gangs and drugs and drug gangs.
So he goes in, he shoots a bunch of perps…
Then it’s back to Nebraska. Just a day in the life of Techno Cop.
So it goes without saying that this is a pretty rad concept. I mean, the entire game is basically
just an exercise in gratuitous violence, that rips off Robocop and doesn’t even hide it.
That’s so awesome, I don’t even know where to begin. And the way the game is split into
two separate gameplay elements is kind of cool, too. It’s formulaic, and predictable…but
still, it breaks up what would otherwise be a repetitive side-scroller.
So it’s got some fun ideas.
Only none of those ideas translate into fun gameplay. Neither part is ever fleshed out.
It’s like Techno Cop blew up so much flesh, he accidentally blew the flesh of his own
game.
Not that you can blame him.
Restraint is just impossible, with that kind of weapon.
So let’s start with the driving. Yeah, it’s a lot like driving down I-80 in Nebraska,
because it’s a straight line with nothing to do. You blow up some cars for a little
while, with what appears to be a tennis ball launcher, before you get the next mission
and just go there. And that’s it, that’s the entirely of the driving sections. Sometimes,
your car gets a new weapon, or ability…but the driving missions themselves never change.
In fact, they’re not missions at all.
They’re, like…you know how some games have interacting loading screens?
That’s what this is like. A loading screen minigame.
With freaking tennis balls. And how’s that happen? How’s a guy who has a handgun that
appears to defy all the laws of nature and science…have a car that shoots tennis balls?
Then you get to the cities, which appear out of nowhere…and it’s more repetition. Still
no music, still the same graphics. And the same objectives. You have a primary target
to find, which actually is kind of cool…but you’re also on a timer. And it goes so fast
that, if you make one wrong turn, you’re not gonna find him in time. And you fail the
mission, and it’s back on the highway.
Which, again, sucks. Which, again, is just mountains and trees.
This really a high-crime area? That f*cking meadow?
So obviously, Techno Cop’s super special police power is to disappoint. Turns out he’s
also pretty good at frustrating, though. ‘Cause he thought, “Hey, you know what would be
fun? Let’s use up half the screen for a stupid picture of my arm.” Like, what a
f*cking dick. But that means you can’t see any more than one floor at a time, which is
real convenient when you’re looking for someone. But then again, you can’t be surprised.
Look at how this asshole drives.
Who needs a full screen when you can shoot tennis balls, I guess?
What is this, American Gladiators?
Techno Cop is a game I wanted to have a lot of fun with. Unfortunately, Techno Cop is
also a tremendous asshole and doesn’t want anyone to have fun, ever. He’s got all these
cool ideas, he’s got a cool looking game, he’s got a liquification gun…but then
he goes out of his way to make sure you never have fun with any of it. Which is crazy, considering
he has a liquification gun.
I want a liquification gun.
Instead, I just have Techno Cop, for the SEGA Genesis.
Thanks for that one, SEGA-mom. Also, thanks to Gary from Ridgewood, New Jersey, for sending
it to the show. Obviously, his parents found it, and made him send it away. Sorry, Gary…parents
just don’t understand. Liquification.