-Joel: You know, it's funny 'cause we've played this game before.
-J: We played the first one, but we got too scared, and so we had to cut-
-Adam: We made excuses for ourselves.
-J: Alright, ready?
-A: Alright, I'm kind of ready.
-A: So we only have one mouse, so we're just gonna kinda alternate when necessary.
-J: Nights.
-A: When necessary.
-J: Or when we start fighting over the mouse.
-J: Alright, new game.
-J: You know, you kind of look like one of the puppets.
-A: I mean, the nice part about this is our whole night is, like, going by.
-J: This guy-- I mean, it feels like it's been two hours.
-J: Don't get it.
-J: Part of the many things- I don't know what we're supposed to do. Click?
-A: Okay
-J: He's still there...
-A: What is play audio? Play audio.
-J: No, I don't want to do that. I think that's a distraction.
-A: Go ahead and play audio.
-A: You know, there's a reason-- he said something about vents...
-A: Here, close the map. Close the map.
-A: We did it. We did Night 1.
-J: Alright, that is-- and that is Five Nights at Freddy's.
-J: See, the problem is, Adam... is we never know--
-A: Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.
-A: Oh fuck!
-A: Check the cameras.
-J: I don't have control, Adam.
-A: Yes you do, see that [incoherent mumbling].
-A: Click that. Click that, click that.
-A: Okay, ventilation error.
-A: Click that.
-A: Okay, so if you click that, it reboots it.
-A: Exit.
-A: Okay-- nope, go right. Now we gotta go to our camera system.
-A: Camera.
-A: Okay.
-A: Alright, let's check our cameras.
-J: I don't like that I'm--
-A: I don't like how spooky it is.
-J: --driving this.
-A: --like, the game is.
-J: There's a lot to deal with right now for a game that is, like, there's not a lot to deal with.
-J: I feel like there's a lot to deal-- I don't like how this camera is angled (A: Alright, that's a fucked up camera).
-J: And this is us right here, right Adam?
-J: This is camera one...
-A: That's-- that's you.
-J: Right, so I'm saying this is right outside the door...
-[screaming]
-A: Okay, go to our, go to our--
-[more screaming]
-A: Fuuuck!
-A: I broke my headphone!
-A: My headphone is broken!
-J: I, I can fix it.
-J: What's "load game"?
-J: We're loading the first, the second level. We're back on the second level again.
-(J: Oh, fuck, I don't think I can fucking do this.) A: Holy fuck, that guy just came outta nowhere!
-A: I guess that's the point. Fuck that guy!
-A: How are we supposed to stop him, do we close the door?
-J: [in an Italian accent] I don't like this-a game, it-a turned me Italian.
[Adam laughs*
-A: Alright, listen.
-A: I need you to [incoherent mumbling] I need you to do something.
-J: What?!
-A: We gotta-- stop it.
-J: Stop what?
-A: Stop it. Go to this camera.
-J: Oh no, wait. Play audio, that's what stops it.
-A: Play audio.
-A: Why does that stop it?
-J: Well, I never played it.
-A: Well, then play it!
-A: What are you talking about?
-J: I wanna find it first.
-A: Listen.
-{Hi}
-A: No! No, go here. Go here now.
-A: Go away from this.
-J: How, I don't know how.
-A: Go away.
-A: NO, DON'T HIT ESCAPE!
-J: Don't hit escape, okay.
-J: How do I get out of this?
-A: Click away from it.
-J: Toggle map.
-J: Okay, that doesn't work.
-A: How do you get out of this map, Jeremy?
-J: Oh wait, vents.
-A: Vents are good, vents are good. Listen, we need to get out of the fucking map!
-A: Click here!
-J: How'd that happen?
-A: Now, close the fucking door. Holy fucking close the door.
-J: There is no door, is there a door?
-A: There has to be a door, you have to be able to close it.
-J: There's a vent right there.
-A: How do you close the fucking door?
-J: Jeremy... (A: Jeremy's trying to sneak up and scare us.).
-J: Um, can you close the door?
-J: I don't know what to do!
-A: Why are you trying to-- why are you under the table?
-J: Wait wait wait wait. There's camera vents.
-A: Stop being under the table.
-J: Why don't I just-- ventilation error, ventilation error!
-A: Ventilation, fix the ventilation! Close this!
-A: Close this, CLOSE THIS!
-A: Close the fucking [incoherent mumbling]!
-A: Fucking fix it!
-A: How do you close the door? How do you close the door?!
-J: I don't think there is a door!
-A: There is a door, we have a door right there, that's a fucking door!
-J: There's no door, Adam!
-A: How do you close door?
-{Hello}
-A: No!
-J: I'm just doing that 'cause I think that makes it go away.
-A: No, it doesn't!
-J: Yeah, it does.
-A: Go to cam 01, this is where the bad stuff happens!
-A: What is that-- [screaming].
[heavy breathing]
-A: Hold on, hold on!
-A: Fix it! Fix it, fix it!
-J: It's dark, it's so dark (A: fix it!).
-A: Fix the ventilation error, fix the ventilation error! Close the fucking door!
-[Adam yelling]
-A: Close the fucking [incoherent mumbling]
-A: Reboot all, reboot all, reboot all!
-J: I can't, I don't...
-A: Close-- camera system!
-J: It's not working.
-A: Reboot all!
-A: Reboot it.
-A: Go to the camera system!
-A: Close the [incoherent mumbling]!
-J: It won't let me exit.
-A: Click it-- no, click the map.
-[screaming]
-J: What do I do?!
-A: I don't know, map toggle!
-J: He's in the hallway, not in the vent!
-A: I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!
-J: What do I do?
-A: [incoherent mumbling]
-J: We'll just look away at a different-- is there a way to just--
-[screaming]
-A: He's coming in, he's coming in!
-A: He's coming in the door!
-{Hi}
-J: That, that-- I did the "hi".
-A: He's coming in the door!
-J: No no no, he's not here.
-A: He just went around, he's coming in from here!
-J: No no, I played-- Well, I don't know what to do, Adam!
-A: How do stop-- we gotta close the door!
-J: There is no door.
-A: We have a door frame!
-J: Jeremy, is there a door to close?
-J: There's no door, Adam!
-A: What do you-- how do you do it?
-{Hello}
-J: How long...?
-A: What do you do?
-J: Audio error, audio error!
-A: Fix the audio error!
[Adam yelps]
-J: Oh God, so hard.
-A: Reboot it!
-J: I think all that we can do is play that audio!
-A: What does that do?!
-J: It's 3:00 A.M., it's 3:00 A.M...
-J: Oh, he's right fucking there!
-A: Where is he, where is he, where is he?!
-J: He's right fucking there.
-A: Where is right there?
-J: He's fucking in the doorway, Adam.
-A: Is he in the door-- the guy was already there!
-A: There was a guy in the doorway.
-J: Oh, fuck.
-A: Fudge it-- fix the camera, fix the cam--
[screaming]
[more screaming]
-A: What else-- what does the audio do? What does the audio do, just stop him? (J: God damn, I mean, I did everything...).
-A: OH, YOU'RE LURING HIM TO OUR ROOM!
-A: YOU'RE LURING HIM RIGHT NEXT DOOR!
-J: Oh oh oh oh oh, so I play the audio, I have to have the...
-A: You're luring him to us!
-A: You're luring him to the doors closest to us!
-J: Well, how do I-- no no no, I mean, you play the audio in the camera that's selected, plays it--
-A: You lure-- it's it's a bait, it's a bait, you play it as a bait. You're luring him close to us.
-A: God damn it!
-J: Well, this isn't stressful at all.
-A: Good, I'm glad you're not stressed.
-J: Alright, eh-- okay.
-J: Alright, okay, camera.
-A: You gotta check the camera, you gotta find the fucking guy.
-J: Alright, where is he?
-A: Check 05.
-A: I have a good feeling about 05.
-A: Okay.
-J: He's not in 05-- well, let's pick the ones-- alright, let's pick the ones--
-A: Let's NOT pick the ones closest to us.
-A: Play audio right here. No no, don't. I lied.
-J: We gotta save it. We gotta save it, we gotta find him.
-J: This-- this room, and I'm not lying, smells of, like, a football locker room right now.
-J: Is that him? No.
-A: You're smelling fear.
-J: I-- We smell like fucking sweat.
-J: Where is that fucker?
-J: Where is he?
-J: Where is that fucker?
-A: Go away, Jeremy.
-J: I don't know where he is, Adam.
-J: Oh fuck, he could be in the vents.
-A: Oh, fuck me.
-A: *reading* To seal a vent cam-- to seal a vent, double click the vent cam.
-A: Okay.
-A: Video error, FIX THE VIDEO ERROR!
-A: Close, close! (J: We're so bad at this, we're so bad at this!)
-A: Fix it.
-A: 'kay, close. Go back.
-J: It won't, it won't let me. I have to fix it.
-A: Oh, you have to wait?
-J: You have to wait.
-J: Jeremy, fucking don't--
-A: DON'T.
-A: He's your boss!
-A: Don't!
[Joel chuckling]
-A: Don't do it.
-A: No, let's skip the vents for today.
-J: He's in the vents!
-A: You don't know that!
-J: 'Cause he's not in the, not in the vents.
-A: Okay, go back.
-J: I- I don't see him, where is he?
-A: Okay, cam 01.
-J: Not here...
-A: Okay, cam 05.
-J: We would see-- we would see him...
-A: Oh, this is bad. Ventilation error.
-A: Fix it.
-A: Fix the vents.
-J: We haven't seen him yet.
-J: It's 2:00 A.M., good news.
-J: Well, there has to be a time in the game that's good news--
-[Adam screaming]
-J: Why is it--
-J: What is that?
-A: I don't know, it's red!
-J: If he's in...
-J: Where is that f... -A: Watch this, watch this...
-J: Where is he?
-A: This is bad. This is the noise, this is the noise. Go to 04.
-A: Play the noise, PLAY THE--
-J: Ah, it went away!
-A: No, NO [Adam screaming]!
-A: We gotta-- we gotta go to 02, we gotta play the noise in 02! Play the noise in 02!
-J: How do you play it?! (A: Play it, play it, play it!)
-A: Audio error FUUUUUUCK!
[Adam screaming]
-A: Fix it!
-J: It's the audio. Alright, go to [incoherent mumbling].
-A: He's breathing!
-J: I'm going to fix it.
-A: Oh, he's fucking coming in the room! Play it, play play play play play!
-{Hello}
[sighs of relief]
-A: Maybe it saved us--
-J: Did it work?
-A: I don't know! I don't know, I don't know anymore!
-A: The video error, fucks the fucking video-- fix the video!
-[screaming]
-J: It didn't work.
-[more screaming]
[video static]
-J: Adam, I can't do this all day.
-A: Let's keep going for a while.
-J: Can we just say if we can get to Night 3, that's a win?
-A: I don't know, at this point I don't know if we can get to Night 3. [laughing]
-J: We're really bad at this fucking game!
-A: I think we're doing better--
-J: Are your headphones fixed?
-A: I fixed them.
-A: These are actually explodable headphones.
-[incoherent mumbling from Jeremy]
-A: Oh, that puts me at ease, Jeremy. Thank you.
-A: So let's not go to vents until we hear him.
-J: Where's that shitbag?
-A: [sighs] What a fucking piece of shit.
-J: I mean, it's just body odor in here.
-A: You know what it is? I forgot to wear deodorant today.
-J: No, I'm sweating like a fucking pig right now.
-J: I'm sweating like a fucking pig. I'm sweating all over...
-J: Where is he?
-J: It's like he comes out of nowhere.
-J: So if I have this camera selected and I play audio, it'll play here, right?
-A: It'll play on cam 04, so if he's in an adjacent room, he'll go to that room.
-J: Well, we need to find him!
-J: Why-- how come he's never far away? Why is he always close to us?
-A: Ohh, oh! This is bad. This is bad. Play the audio here.
-A: Play it.
-{laughing}
-A: Okay, now--
-A: Watch the-- there, there he is. (J: Oh, that's him!)
-A: Motherfucker!
-J: Alright, that's good.
-A: That's good. Play-- go to 10, go to 10.
-A: Let's just go-- we'll bounce him around the rooms! We'll bounce him around!
-A: Go ahead and play audio!
-J: Well, we don't have endless audio, Adam.
-A: We have endless audio.
-J: Adam, why don't we just-- video error, video error!
-A: Joel, go fix the fucking video error right now!
-A: Go here.
-A: Now, go fix the video. That was a good move-- that was a power play, that was a power move.
-A: Playing audio before we fix the video error 'cause it give us something to go to when we fix the video error.
-J: And we have time anyway, we have time anyway. We have time, we have time.
-A: Good job.
-A: It's a real good job.
-A: Alright, let's get out of here, check the cameras, see where he is.
-A: We gotta check video, maybe 07?
-A: Maybe 08? I don't know--
-[screaming]
-J: Bullshit!
-J: Alright, he didn't count. He didn't count. We're still alive, we're still alive.
-J: He didn't count.
-J: That was bullshit!
-J: Why is it so dark?
-A: Ventilation error, fix the ventilation. [clapping]
-A: Fix the ventilation. Close this.
-J: Where is he, where is he?
-A: Play the audio! Play the audio right here, play it right here.
-A: Let's play the audio-- it's a power play.
-{Hello}
-A: Play the audio.
-J: I can't hear my audio phones.
-A: Close it!
-A: That turn is rough. That turn is rough.
-[screaming]
-A: Come ooon! -J: Bullshit!
-A: I got one ear.
-J: How the fuck did he get all the way from fucking--
-A: Are you fucking kidding me?
-J: How'd he get all the way from fucking room 10 to us like that?
-J: And the audio died in the game.
-J: Oh, 'cause I unplugged the phones.
-[Adam laughing]
-J: Alright, don't throw the fucking headphones.
-A: I can't, it's a reflex.
-J: No, I'm talking to myself.
-A: Oh.
-A&J: Don't throw the headphones.
-J: I'm just gonna do everything that you say.
-J: 'Cause I can't think.
-A: Okay.
-A: Well, that's not good.
-J: Alright, actually, it's not gonna happen. I'm just gonna do what I want to do.
-A: Okay.
-A: Let's check the cameras.
-J: I'm going as fast as I can here.
-J&A: Alright.
-A: 05.
-J: Nope.
-J: 08.
-A: So we get some-- we're getting some static.
-J: Yeah...
-A: Is he in this room?
-A: We're getting some static.
-A: Switch cameras, switch cameras.
-J: So I mean, it's really... static--
-A: He's, he's, he...
-A: This is the room. He's coming to this room.
-J: You think he's in 03?
-A: He's coming from 03 to 02.
-J: He's coming from 03 to 02?
-A: I think.
-J: How do you know that?
-A: I heard-- I felt it in my heart.
-J: I haven't seen him.
-J: Where the fuck is he?
-J: Wait, wait.
-A: What, don't say that, this is...
-J: Where is he?
-A: Check 05.
-J: Like, when we--
-J: [yells] -A: Fuck, fix the video error.
-A: I don't like that guy!
-J: I don't like that guy.
-J: This is hard, we're having a hard time.
-J: Having a hard time.
-J: Don't, don't-- no touching.
[Adam laughing]
-A: I'm scared.
-A: 'Kay. -J: Where-- where is he?
-A: Check 'em.
-J: Oh, wait wait wait.
-A: That was bad.
-A: This is bad.
-A: Go to 01.
-A: Go to 05.
-J: 01 seems good.
-J: 02 seems--
-A: This seems dangerous.
-A: We're checking too cl-- we're going too close.
-J: Well, I mean, if it's close--
-A: Switch off this camera.
-J: So, if we stay on a camera too long, the puppet guy comes. Is that what Jeremy said?
-A: Switch off the camera.
-J: Switch OFF the camera?
-A: No no, go away from it, I mean. Go to 10.
-J: Go to 10?
-A: We gotta find this guy!
-A: SHIT.
-J: We haven't even gotten to play a thing yet.
-A: Play a sound, somewhere.
-J: Now, he said-- oh fuck, he's in the ventilation shaft. Or no, he said we would hear--
-A: I don't like that, I don't like that.
-J: What the-- oh, that's the ventilation!
-A: We fixed it, it's fine.
-J: Is that the ventilation?
-A: Fuck the ventilation, we fixed it. Check the fucking cameras.
-J: No no, but that's--
-A: No no no no no.
-J: The "beep beep beep" is ventilation? (A: No no no no no.)
-A: We'd hear him walking around in there, right?
-J: Is it "beep beep beep"?
-[incoherent mumbling from Jeremy]
-A: Ok. We're fine, we're fine, we're fine. Map toggle. Go back to-- we gotta check the cameras, dude.
-A: Check 02. Quick.
-A: Oh fuck, SWITCH SWITCH SWITCH!
-{Hi}
-A: Switch, switch, switch!
-J: I did it wrong.
-A: Video error, fuck.
-A: Get out of here.
-A: Click.
-J: Video error.
-J: No puppets.
-J: I don't care about puppets anymore.
-J: Now what happens, Adam?
-A: OH, that's him!
-J: That's him.
-A: Okay, we need to play a sound in 10. In 10. Play a sound in 10.
-A: 10.
-J&A: Did it.
-A: Okay, get out of there.
-A: He's gone, check 10.
-A: He's not in 10, check 08.
-J: Do I do 09? Play 09?
-A: Check 08.
-A: Check-- check this.
-J: I think he's in 09, right?
-A: Play sound in 05.
-A: No there he is! He was in 09.
-J: Play 10?
-A: He was in one of the ones you were just at. Which one were you just at?
-J: I don't know.
-A: Go to 09.
-A: He's gone. Go to 10.
-A: Play a sound at 10.
-{laughing}
-A: Now check-- check 08. Check 07.
-A: Check 05. Check 06.
[both laughing]
-A: Check 01.
-A: (whispering) Fuck my ass
-J: Fuck my ass...
[Adam giggling]
-J: Video error!
-A: Close it.
-J: What time is it?
-A: It's 3:00 A.M.
-A: Okay.
-A: Check cameras.
-J: Which ones?
-A: Check 02.
-A: We gotta check-- inside out, inside out, inside out.
-A: Check 09.
-A: Play a sound in 09.
-A: Holy FUCK!
-J: Puppets are not-- [stammering] exist.
-A: Puppets are not exist.
-J: Is that ventilate-- beeping?
-A: Ventilation, ventilation, ventilation.
-A: Play a sound, play a sound in in in in in--
-A: Oh my God, he's on our screen. He's on our screen, dude.
-A: Hit 10, hit 10.
-[screaming]
[video static]
-J: Alright, and that is How To: Five Nights at Freddy's--
-J: That's how NOT to. Oh, new series. How Not To.
-A: ...That's the joke.
[both laughing]