There are horror movies with some solid jokes.
There are comedies with legitimate scares.
And then there's… whatever happened here.
As you'll soon see, these five horror movie villains aren't Big Bads.
They're Entirely Awfuls.
Man-eating beds can be quite terrifying.
Just ask Johnny Depp, who was sucked into one in A Nightmare on Elm Street.
On the other side of the equation, we have the creaky celluloid calamity Death Bed: The
Bed That Eats.
A snoozefest in every sense of the term, this convoluted arthouse atrocity wasn't released
until 2004, despite being filmed in 1977.
George Barry, the film's director, reportedly forgot that he'd made the film.
And honestly, you can't really blame him.
The premise is both original and insufferable: It takes place from the perspective of a ghost
trapped in the wall, who watches the antics of a bed possessed by a demon.
"If you weren't so greedy you wouldn't have eaten everybody who came into the house."
There is one great thing about the film.
Comedian Patton Oswalt incorporated Death Bed into one of his routines.
"This is a real movie, Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People, and it's about a bed that’s
evil, and it eats people.
That's the whole movie!"
The 1992 horror head-scratcher Dr. Giggles is high on camp, but low on comedy.
This crazed serial killer - portrayed by L.A. Law actor Larry Drake - tries tickling your
funny bone and sending shivers down your spine at the same time.
"Laughter is the best medicine."
In fact, Dr. Giggles spends just as much time spouting terrible one-liners as he does killing
people.
Unfortunately, his comedic talents are nothing worth shouting about… despite his superior
intelligence.
"That's Dr. Giggles."
"Who?"
"Eh, it's his nickname.
Nobody knows his real ID."
"Highly delusional, acute schizophrenia, with an IQ somewhere in the stratosphere.
We're talking prodigy."
At the end of the movie, this "Prodigy of a Certain Age" even looks into the camera
and offers us one final pun:
"Is there a doctor in the house?"
Too bad there wasn't a script doctor in the house.
The 1997 chiller Jack Frost is the coal in the stocking of low-budget horror films.
"That's funny."
It's the tale of a serial killer who fuses with a mound of snow after crashing his car
into a truck full of toxic chemicals.
And to avoid any confusion, the character is already named Jack Frost before becoming
the world's most sadistic snowman.
How many confused parents rented Jack Frost, thinking it was the 1998 Michael Keaton film
of the same name?
To avoid any confusion, let's compare and contrast.
This is the Michael Keaton Jack Frost:
"Charlie, if you ever need me, I'll be right here."
And this is the other Jack Frost:
"I said, who's out there?"
"Well, it ain't f—-ing Frosty."
The Gingerdead Man has a supporting cast that seems pulled together from Craigslist.
Even more upsettingly, it's got Gary Busey playing a demonic gingerbread man.
"Oooh, nice.
Now you wouldn't wanna miss out on that, would ya?"
The 2005 film The Gingerdead Man feels like it was shot over the course of one particularly
lame weekend.
"Hey, rat!
Rat!
I'm talking to you.
Want a piece of me?”
The real joy comes in listening to Busey do his very best Chucky impression, presumably
while out of his mind in a recording studio deep in San Fernando Valley.
"Let's finish this."
Despite being the definitive American horror author of the last century, Stephen King's
film adaptations often turn into a more … untended form of nightmare.
With The Mangler, King goes back to one of his favorite tropes: the haunted machine.
The only problem is, this isn't a classic killer car like Christine.
No, this time it's a laundry machine.
In a basement.
Seriously.
"Help me!”
It's a laundry press, to be perfectly accurate... but this one has a taste for blood.
Unfortunately, this immobile hunk of metal is less scary than a red wine stain on white
linen.
But since there's money to be made, this story of a haunted laundry service got two sequels.
Now that's scary.