so I’m a married lady.
Thank you.
I know, it’s hard to believe that—
(audience cheers)
Yeah, yeah.
(audience cheers)
Wow, a lot of you do believe in me.
A lot didn’t, so—
(audience laughing)
It’s hard to believe
all this got snatched up.
(audience laughing)
Nope, I’m a married lady.
It’s pretty great.
Let me just say romance is different
once you get married, yeah.
After a while you’re like,
oh, Valentine’s day is rolling around.
You tell your husband,
"Let’s just stay in, order a pizza."
Your husband helps you
clean out a couple of closets.
Suddenly, you’ve never
found him more attractive
(audience laughing)
and bam, nine months later,
you’re parents.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Yeah, that is my
daughter’s origin story, guys.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I absolutely love being
married, but every once in a while,
I think to myself like,
"Remember when I was single?"
Then I slap myself
in the face and think,
"Ugh, remember when I was single?"
(audience applauding)
The last time I went out
before I met my husband,
the only guy that talked
to me was wearing a cape.
(audience laughing)
A few minutes into the conversation,
I was like,
"Well, maybe the cape’s not so bad."
(audience laughing)
Till I remember, I’ve seen
the Phantom of the Opera
and this does not end well.
(audience laughing)
You’re not my angel of music
so get outta here you weirdo.
I was under the impression
when I got married that I would
suddenly magically transform
into a new and improved person.
Spoiler alert, you don’t.
No, you’re the same
old person except now
you have someone around
all the time to call you out on it.
(audience laughing)
I remember one time,
my husband came home,
opened the freezer and was like,
"Hey, Jenna, what happened
"to the cookie dough ice cream?
(audience laughing)
"Why is it just now vanilla ice cream?"
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Well, husband,
the 15 minutes that I stood
in front of the open freezer
was the closest I’ll ever come
to being an archeologist on a dig.
(audience laughing)
They call me Indiana Kim Jones
and the last carton
of cookie dough ice cream.
Marriage is weird.
It didn’t really change me.
It definitely aged me.
My husband and I,
we’re like 35 years from retirement,
but we’re already there
in our hearts and our minds.
Did you guys see what I did there?
Your hearts and your minds.
I’m losing it!
(audience laughing)
No, now it’s like
if my husband and I go out
and he has to circle
the block for parking,
he’s like, "They don’t want us here.
"They clearly don’t want us here
"and the sun’s gonna go down.
"What are we doing?"
(audience laughing)
And I’m no better.
I’m like, "Hey, babe, are we going
"anywhere fancy for dinner?
"Because I’m thinking about
"just wearing this sweatshirt
"so I don’t have to put a bra on."
(audience laughing)
I remember when my
husband had his first cold
when we got married, right?
He was like,
"(coughs) Babe, do we have
"any tissues (coughs)?"
He’s very pathetic when he’s sick.
(audience laughing)
"(coughs) Do we have any tissues?"
I was like, okay, well, I guess
the roll of toilet paper
that I lovingly laid
on your bedside table
isn’t good enough
for your delicate nasal passages."
(audience laughing)
After that, he went out
and bought the name brand tissues,
you know,
the good stuff, infused with aloe,
stuff that feels good on your nose.
What a wuss.
(audience laughing)
Plus I was like,
"Whoa, those are expensive tissues.
"I didn’t see that on the budget
"you gave me last week."
(audience laughing)
A lot of you are
pretty sensitive about tissues.
I feel like I hit a soft spot.
(audience laughing)
Are we gonna be okay?
(audience laughing)
No, they say that imitation
is the most sincere form of flattery.
Well, if that’s the case,
then why has every fight
I’ve ever had with my husband
started with the phrase,
"Here, I’ll be you.