WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S LOVELY TO BE BACK.
WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU GUYS FOR A WEEK.
I HOPE YOU GUYS-- EVERYBODY HAVE A GOOD THANKSGIVING?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DID, TOO.
I HAD A FANTASTIC-- JON, YOU WERE THERE.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: HERE'S SOMETHING I DISCOVERED THIS THANKSGIVING.
I DISCOVERED IF YOU BURY YOUR FACE IN THE PECAN PIE, IT
ABSORBS YOUR SCREAMS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND BEST PART IS, AFTER YOU--
IT'S TRUE-- AFTER YOU PUT YOUR FACE IN IT, YOU GET TO HAVE THE
WHOLE PIE.
YOU JUST KEEP SHOVEL IT IN THERE, AND IF YOU KEEP THE PIE
IN YOUR MOUTH, YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO YELL AT RICK.
>> Jon: I REMEMBER THAT.
>> Stephen: SO, ANYWAY, WHAT'S HAPPENING, GUYS?
SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVEN'T BEEN WATCHING THE NEWS
MUCH, THE LAST WEEK, AND I JUST KIND OF DIPPED MY
WICK BACK IN IT LAST NIGHT, AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE
OF OUR PRESIDENT-ELECT.
YEAH, IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.
AND HERE'S ONE OF THE REASONS.
THE LAST TIME DONALD TRUMP HELD A NEWS CONFERENCE WAS JULY 27.
REMEMBER THOSE DAYS?
THE CONVENTIONS WERE IN FULL SWING, RIHANNA WAS DANCING WITH
DRAKE AND INTO OUR HEARTS.
MIKE AND DAVE HAD NOT YET FOUND WEDDING DATES.
BUT HERE'S THE THING-- DONALD TRUMP, EVEN THOUGH HE IS NOW THE
PRESIDENT-ELECT, IS STILL NOT LETTING REPORTERS FOLLOW HIM.
TRUMP IS DITCHING THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS CORPS LIKE
THEY'RE PAPARAZZI.
JOURNALISTS HAVE TO TRICK THEIR WAY INTO REPORTING ON THE MAN
WHO'S GOING TO HAVE THE NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES.
>> RIGHT NOW, IN A NEW YORK RESTAURANT-- NOT FAR FROM HERE,
IN FACT-- PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP IS HAVING DINNER WITH MITT
ROMNEY.
HOW DID YOU GET INTO THE RESTAURANT?
>> WE HAD GOTTEN A TIP, ANDERSON, BEFORE THIS DINNER
THAT IT WAS POSSIBLE THEY COULD BE HERE.
SO LIKE ANY ENTERPRISING REPORTER, WE DECIDED TO GO AHEAD
AND MAKE A RESERVATION.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YES, IT'S ALL ABOUT
RESERVATIONS.
AND I HAVE ALOT OF THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP AND ROMNEY LAST NIGHT WERE
DINING AT A FOUR-STAR FRENCH RESTAURANT CALLED
JEAN-GEORGES.
SOUNDS FANCY, BUT JEAN-GEORGES COULD BE FRENCH FOR "WAFFLE
HOUSE."
AND THEY WERE JOINED BY REINCE PRIEBUS, WHO IS TRUMP'S CHIEF OF
STAFF AND NOT, AS YOU MAY THINK, AN ITEM ON THE MENU.
"WOULD YOU CARE TO START WITH SOME PRIEBUS?
IT HAS BEEN LIGHTLY REINCE'D."
( LAUGHTER ) THE BILLIONAIRE OF THE PEOPLE
ORDERED YOUNG GARLIC SOUP WITH THYME AND SAUTEÉED FROGS LEGS.
I THOUGHT HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO DRAIN THE SWAMP, NOT EAT ITS
CONTENTS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: EASY BEING GREEN,
BABY.
>> Stephen: SOUND GOOD, THOUGH, SOUNDS GOOD.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING-- MITT ROMNEY AT DINNER WITH
TRUMP.
NO.
I KNOW MITT IS UP FOR SECRETARY OF STATE, BUT I ALSO KNOW WHAT
MITT SAID DURING THE CAMPAIGN.
>> DONALD TRUMP IS A PHONY, A FRAUD.
HIS PROMISES ARE AS WORTHLESS AS A DEGREE FROM TRUMP
UNIVERSITY.
HE'S PLAYING THE MEMBERS OF THE AMERICAN PUBLIC FOR SUCKERS.
HE GETS A FREE RIDE TO THE WHITE HOUSE, AND ALL WE GET IS A LOUSY
HAT.
>> Stephen: YES, ALL WE GET IS A LOUSY HAT, AND THE YOUNG
GARLIC SOUP AND THE FROGS LEGS.
I BET THOSE FROGS LEGS TASTE A LITTLE BIT LIKE TRUMP'S (BLEEP).
>> Jon: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, DID.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DID TRUMP ENJOY THIS PUBLIC
DISPLAY OF HIS MOST PROMINENT REPUBLICAN CRITIC BENDING THE
KNEE?
I DON'T KNOW.
LET'S JUST CHECK OUT A PHOTO OF TRUMP AT THE DINNER.
YEAH, I THINK HE DID.
I'M GLAD THEY SHOT THAT FROM THE WAIST UP.
BECAUSE HE SEEMS VERY HAPPY.
NOW, SOME PEOPLE THINK IN THIS PHOTO TRUMP LOOKS LIKE THE DEVIL
HERE.
I THINK HE LOOKS LIKE THE GUY WHO FIRED THE DEVIL ONE WEEK
BEFORE CHRISTMAS.
"YOU CAN'T FIRE ME ONE WEEK BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS.
YOU'RE A MONSTER.
WHAT ABOUT MY SON DAMIEN?
YOU KNOW HE HAS ASTHMA.
HE WAS COUNTING ON THAT TRIP TO HARPY POTTER WORLD."
THAT'S MY DEVIL.
SO TRUMP LOOKS LIKE HE'S FEASTING ON BABY SOULS IN THAT
PHOTO, BUT WHAT ABOUT ROMNEY?
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
OH!
OH MITT!
OH, MITT!
I KNOW HE ORDERED THE FROG, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S EATING CROW.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I KNOW, THIS IS HOW-- THIS IS KIND OF HOW I FEEL ALL THE TIME.
THAT FACE-- I FIND MYSELF MAKING THAT FACE A LOT SINCE THE
ELECTION.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S HAPPENING?
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH WE'RE
GOING TO KEEP ON THIS FOR BROADCAST, BUT MOST OF-- I THINK
WE'RE OFF THE AIR AT THIS POINT, AREN'T WE?
ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T NECESSARILY UNDERSTAND.
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE RECOUNT GOING ON IN WISCONSIN.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN'T HEARD, JILL STEIN, THE GREEN
PARTY'S PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE AND GRANDMA'S NEW
ROOMMATE, IS SEEKING A RECOUNT IN WISCONSIN, MICHIGAN, AND
PENNSYLVANIA.
BUT SHE'S NOT LOOKING TO CHANGE THE RESULTS.
STEIN EXPLICITLY SAYS ON HER WEBSITE: "OUR EFFORT TO RECOUNT
VOTES IS NOT INTENDED TO HELP HILLARY CLINTON."
>> IT'S ALL SUMMED UP IN HER CAMPAIGN SLOGAN-- JILL STEIN:I'M
NOT HELPING.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE ISN'T HELPING, DONALD TRUMP'S TWEETS.
HE'S GOTTEN HIS PHONE BACK, EVIDENTLY, AND HE APPARENTLY HAS
A LOT OF FREE TIME.
WHAT'S GOING TOW HAPPEN NOW?
IS THIS HOW WE LEARN ABOUT THINGS FROM THE PRESIDENT?
ARE WE JUST GOING TO HAVE A TWEET OF THE UNION?
#STRONG.
TRUMP TWEETED PLENTY OH, THE CRAY-CRAY THIS PAST WEEK.
BUT THE CRAZIEST WAS THIS GENTLEMEN:
NOW, WHEN ASKED FOR PROOF THAT THERE WERE MILLIONS OF ILLEGAL
VOTES, TRUMP SAID HE COULDN'T PROVIDE IT BECAUSE HIS MILLIONS
OF DOGS ATE IT.
AND, YESTERDAY, TRUMP TOOK MORE TIME OFF FROM SETTING UP--
AGAIN, THE GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES-- TO TWEET
THIS: OK, FIRST OF ALL, THOSE AREN'T
EQUIVALENT THINGS.
LOSS OF CITIZENSHIP-YEAR IN JAIL.
THAT'S LIKE YOUR DAD SAYING "JOHNNY, YOU TOOK THE CAR OUT
WITHOUT PERMISSION.
SO YOU'RE EITHER GROUNDED OR CASTRATED."
YOU CHOOSE.
NO, NO.
THAT'S IT, SNIP, SNIP.
SNIP, SNIP.
AND IT LOOKED LIKE TRUMP BROUGHT UP FLAG BURNING OUT OF NOWHERE.
UNTIL SOMEONE NOTICED THAT "'FOX AND FRIENDS'" DID A
SEGMENT ON FLAG BURNING JUST BEFORE TRUMP'S TWEET."
SO THERE'S A CHANCE THE PRESIDENT-ELECT IS JUST FIRING
OFF TWEETS ABOUT THE LAST THING HE SAW ON TV, WHICH EXPLAINS
TRUMP'S OTHER TWEET, "BRITISH GECKOS ARE STEALING INSURANCE
COMMERCIAL JOBS FROM AMERICAN AMPHIBIANS.
#DRAINTHESWAMP."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
>> Jon: I REMEMBER THAT.
I SAW THAT ONE, TOO.
>> Stephen: THE THING IS, NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT FLAG
BURNING-- AND FOR THE RECORD I'M NOT A FAN-- I AGREE THAT THE
AMERICAN FLAG SHOULD NOT BE DISRESPECTED.
IT IS A SACRED SYMBOL THAT SHOULD BE HONORED, WHETHER IT BE
ON PAPER PLATES OR NAPKINS OR BANANA HAMMOCKS.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
WHEN WE RETURN, WE'LL HAVE SOME "MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS," SO STICK
AROUND.