WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS FRIDAY AND--
THAT MEANS CHECK YOUR CALENDARS, FOLKS.
WE'RE JUST 11 DAYS FROM THE 2018 MIDTERM ELECTIONS AND THE
COUNTRY IS DIVIDED: CONSERVATIVES VERSUS LIBERALS,
REPUBLICANS VERSUS DEMOCRATS, PEOPLE WHO SAY "CATTY-CORNER"
VERSUS WHO SAY "KITTY-CORNER."
YOU CATTY-CORNER PEOPLE ARE MONSTERS WHO DON'T DESERVE LOVE.
OF COURSE, "THE LATE SHOW" WILL BE LIVE ON ELECTION NIGHT, SO BE
SURE TO WATCH IT ONLINE THE NEXT MORNING, AS ALWAYS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CHECKING IT OUT.
>> Stephen: AND THE RACES FOR CONTROL OF THE HOUSE ARE
TANTALIZINGLY CLOSE, OKAY.
BE SURE TO GO OUT AND VOTE.
( APPLAUSE )
FOR INSTANCE, POLLS INDICATE THAT HEALTHCARE IS THE NUMBER
ONE ISSUE FOR VOTERS.
THAT SHOWS HOW HOPEFUL AMERICANS ARE.
DONALD TRUMP IS PRESIDENT, AND THEY STILL WANT TO LIVE.
( LAUGHTER )
GOOD FOR YOU.
>> Jon: HEALTH IS YOUR BEST WEALTH.
>> Stephen: AMERICANS LIKE CERTAIN ASPECTS OF OBAMACARE A
LOT.
A RECENT POLL SHOWED A FULL 90% OF PEOPLE SAID IT WAS EITHER
SOMEWHAT OR VERY IMPORTANT THAT THE LAW PROTECT PEOPLE WITH
PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS.
90%!
NOTHING IN AMERICA IS THAT POPULAR.
THAT'S-- THAT'S-- THAT'S THE TOM HANKS WITH FUDGE SAUCE OF
OBAMACARE PROVISIONS.
BUT-- THAT WOULD BE GOOD.
TOM HANKS WITH A LITTLE FUDGE SAUCE ON...
BUT THAT'S AWKWARD FOR REPUBLICANS, SINCE THEY HAVE
VOTED TO REPEAL OBAMACARE AT LEAST 70 TIMES.
OF COURSE, REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS WERE DOING IT TO PLEASE
THEIR BIGGEST DONOR.
( LAUGHTER )
AGAINST THEM, THE G.O.P. CAME UP WITH AN ENTIRELY NEW HEALTHCARE
PLAN: LIE, LIE, LIE, LIE, LIE, LIE.
AND IT STARTS AT THE TOP.
TWO DAYS AGO, TRUMP TWEETED THIS:
"REPUBLICANS WILL TOTALLY PROTECT PEOPLE WITH PRE-EXISTING
CONDITIONS, DEMOCRATS WILL NOT!
VOTE REPUBLICAN."
WHAT THE HELL?
( LAUGHTER )
BEEN IN A COMA FOR TWO YEARS?
WE'RE NOT COVERED FOR THAT.
HE SPENT MOST OF HIS PRESIDENCY TRYING TO REPEAL OBAMACARE UNTIL
ONE MAN STOPPED HIM.
>> I WOULD'VE GOTTEN RID OF EVERYTHING, BUT AS YOU KNOW, ONE
OF OUR-- ONE OF OUR-- ONE OF OUR WONDERFUL SENATORS SAID THUMBS
DOWN AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING.
>> Stephen: YES, HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN RID OF EVERYTHING, AND
"EVERYTHING" INCLUDES COVERAGE FOR PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS HE
JUST SWORE THAT HE WOULD SAVE.
NOTHING TRUMP IS SAYING IS TRUE, BUT HE DOESN'T CARE.
"SURE, EVERY WORD OUT OF MY MOUTH IS A LIE.
BUT YOU KNEW THAT WHEN YOU ELECTED ME.
I'M A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND IT'S NOT JUST THE PRESIDENT.
REPUBLICANS ARE SAYING THIS ALL OVER THE PLACE:
>> I SUPPORT FORCING INSURANCE COMPANIES TO COVER PRE-EXISTING
CONDITIONS.
>> I DO PROTECT FOLKS WITH PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS.
THAT IS JUST ABSURD TO THINK THAT I WOULDN'T DO THAT.
>> EVERYONE AGREES WE'RE GOING TO PROTECT PRE-EXISTING
CONDITIONS.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH, SENATOR CRUZ, EVERYONE AGREES.
EXCEPT YOU, BECAUSE YOU FILLIBUSTERED FOR 21
HOURS TO TRY TO COMPLETELY ELIMINATE ALL OF OBAMACARE.
REMEMBER THIS?
>> DO YOU LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM?
I DO NOT LIKE THEM, SAM I AM.
I DO NOT LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM!
>> Stephen: "I WILL NOT EAT THEM IN A BOX.
I WILL NOT EAT THEM WITH A FOX.
I WILL NOT EAT THEM WITH A FORK.
YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR BETO O'ROURKE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M NEUTRAL.
I'M NEUTRAL HERE.
THAT'S HIM.
I'M SURPRISED.
I'M REALLY SURPRISED TED CRUZ WOULD SAY THAT.
ALSO, PRETTY INSENSITIVE FOR TED CRUZ TO READ DR. SUESS IN FRONT
OF YERTLE THE TURTLE.
( LAUGHTER )
AND, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S OUR ON MILLIONTH MITCH McCONNELL
TURTLE COMPARISON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LETTUCE FOR EVERYONE!
WHO WANTS LETTUCE?