we are all guilty of it me you everybody else has done this at one point or
another and that is over sharing whether it's on a first date whether it's on
social media or someone you just met or maybe a co-worker we over share and it
becomes a problem but dr. brené Brown in her book daring
greatly has some great tips and in this video we're gonna talk about five tips
from Brene Brown about how to stop over sharing and why you need to do it
everybody this is Chris from the rewire soul where we talk about the problem but
focus on the solution and if you're new to my channel my channel is all about
mental health and I like to pull different topics to hopefully give you
some tools to help you improve your mental and emotional well-being so the
endless stuff make sure you subscribe and bring that notification though and
disclaimer I am NOT a licensed therapist all right
I am just another guy on a journey just like you trying to improve my mental
health and I try to take things that I've learned and use my experience to
share them with all of you but you know who does have some experience is dr.
Brené brown okay and for those of you who don't know who she is she's famous
for her TED talk that went viral she basically studies vulnerability and
shame she's been on Oprah Winfrey's network the own network and stuff like
that where she does some amazing work their video the other day on a part of
her book daring greatly and I just hit this new part of the book I'm like oh my
god I got to make a video about this alright so in this video I'm gonna talk
about this section where brené Brown talks about over sharing and she has
some tips and these are some tips that I find very useful so I'm just share some
of my experience but I really want you to sit back and ask yourself do you over
here why are you over sharing what can you do to kind of prevent it because he
calls this floodlighting all right and I was like why is it called floodlighting
she talks about like when you overshare like a person's like natural physical
reactions like ah right it's almost like they got hit with the floodlights and
this is something that happens alright so the first thing that brené Brown
talks about is why we over share alright and there's three main reasons and I
have experience with this as well when I used to overshare
all the time so one to verify that we're not good right
so sometimes we over share and we say something terrible that we've done or
something from our past or whatever it is because we don't have a lot of self
compassion for our self-love and we see ourselves or the negative light so we
toss that out there right the next one is to prove that the relationship that
we're in is not good okay this can be self-sabotage from my
experience right like ask yourself if you've ever been in this situation where
you just start talking with somebody just start dating them maybe it's the
first date or whatever and you self-sabotage by oversharing maybe you
say the worst thing that's ever happened to you or a traumatic experience way too
much information way too soon right the next one is to Hotwire the relationship
so this is something that I know I used to do as well like if I tell them
something very deep and intimate and personal about my life that'll boost us
to the next level like if I tell them this information then they'll have to
stay with me how can I open up and be so vulnerable with them and then I'll stick
around right so I want you to ask yourself can you relate to these things
because if you can don't worry cuz brené Brown has some five tips to help you
through it so one of the things that she says which is one of my favorite quotes
I actually just tweeted it out and she says using vulnerability is not the same
as being vulnerable alright let me repeat that using
vulnerability is not the same as being vulnerable
okay so brené Brown promotes being vulnerable like it's something that we
need to do and we need to build up what she calls shame resilience alright we
need to be able to be vulnerable but the problem is over sharing is
is that it's it's using vulnerability for different motives that don't
necessarily help us or even the other person involved now one thing that Brene
brown does recommend is self compassion all around so if you're somebody who
over shares like a baby like like recognize when you do it and learn from
it like that's all we can do that's all we can do like I'm gonna screw up you're
gonna screw up we are all going to screw up I was actually speaking out of high
school this morning and I let him know that like all of us like perfection is
something that none of us are ever going to achieve so recognize that you are
going to screw up cut yourself a break but the best thing that we can do is
learn from our mistakes so show yourself a little self
compassion talk to yourself a good practice that I've learned that works
for me and might work for you is to talk to yourself the way the same way you
would a friend or if you have a child right talk to them and that will talk to
yourself in that same way now self compassion on the other end like when
somebody over shares with us and we have a reaction to it you know and then they
get offended or they get upset like we have to show our self some self
compassion like brené Brown talks about how like you know we might beat
ourselves up like oh man I should have handled it this way I should have
handled it that way like some of us just are not prepared like for example for
those of you who don't know me i was working in a drug and alcohol treatment
center for three years but i've been working with other people with
addictions and mental health issues for over six years now since i first got
clean and sober like I am in a space where that's just normal for me you know
what I mean like I hope I can hold space for other people and let them feel
comfortable talking to me because I'll be honest with you there's nothing I
haven't heard I've met so many people have come to talk to me they're like you
know I don't know you know I don't know if I can open up about this and things
like that and like I'm like trust me I've heard it all before they they think
I haven't they saying I'm like yeah you know not to minimize their experience
but yeah so so if you are getting all this information like you might not be
the right person to hear it like this is one of the reasons why I promote therapy
you know what I'm saying but we're gonna get to that in a second
so anyways she starts to talk about how to share and what to share so brené
Brown she speaks on a very public platform and what I love about brené
Brown a lot of people have recommended her to me is that she is growing through
this process too she's not just a scientist that studies this stuff like
she embraces like what she learns from the data and from the research so Rene
Brown in order to connect with her audience she shares about her personal
experiences but being a public speaker she has to know when and what to share
right so you know I have to do the same thing as a youtuber you maybe it's in
your work or when you're meeting new people maybe you're just go to a podium
meeting new people right we all need to know when and what to share like what is
and isn't appropriate okay so she talks about how she she shares her
vulnerabilities to connect with people but there's two things there's two
things that she's always thinking about her own personal boundaries and her
intentions like that's something that I have to do right like I share a lot on
this channel about my personal life and experience of things like that I'm gonna
explain why in a minute but I also have boundaries there's certain things about
myself that everybody on YouTube does not need to know or they don't need
deserve to know like here's what you need to understand or what I had to
learn and you take this you know with a grain of salt if you would like but I
don't owe anybody any information that crosses a boundary of mine you know what
I mean so I want you to kind of think about that so here are her five tips
okay so the first one is only share stories that you've worked through okay
so like she's there's another tip that's coming up that's going to talk about
this a little bit more but like for me personally like it was not easier for me
to share my experiences of what I worked through but one of the reasons why
that's a benefit is because it helps with my intentions of why I share those
things because if I share things that I haven't worked through that I'm only
talking about the problem and no solution right and you know how we get
down at the rewired soul talked about the problem focus on that solution baby
so tip number two don't share what she defines this intimate story
now here's the thing intimate stories is gonna vary for person to person what I
consider to be an intimate story might not be what you consider an intimate
story so this requires in my opinion it requires self-awareness right what are
you comfortable with but there's also this this empathy you know what I mean
like I am an open book I will share literally anything but like I have to
gauge who I'm talking to and is it too much on them you know what
I mean so like although like me I'm just like I'll share anything right like I
have to wonder like how is it going to be received so a lot of this is like you
know how we learn to read people for example I used to have wicked social
anxiety and I always felt like I said too much or you know whatever it was
like over sharing and making people uncomfortable and all that so one of the
things is like I've read books about you know body language and things like that
which i think is pretty important even though it's not an exact science
there are tells that some people give you that they're not comfortable in that
conversation let me ask you this have you ever been stuck in a conversation
where it's really uncomfortable and you're doing all sorts of things like
the biggest tell if somebody's feet so if somebody's talking to you and their
feet start angling the other way or towards an exit that is a sign that they
are trying to get out of there right but sometimes people don't read that about
us so we need to be able to read that about other people that is a great
indicator in my opinion of when we are over sharing all right so tip number
three know stories that are fresh wounds yes yes yes yes like I'm the type of
person where like back when I was like using Facebook all the time and when I
was in my active addiction that even an early recovery when I was still a hot
mess I would just share all of my emotions and things I was going through
to the entire world right like why like these fresh wounds you know those are
reserved in my opinion and Brene brown even says this too for the people
closest in my life that's why I have a support group people
who are there for me unwilling to listen okay now tip number four she says
she follows this rule share yourself to teach that is being healthy but don't do
it to heal okay so for example I have to check my intentions why am i sharing
this why am i sharing this or Brene brown
why is she sharing this and what she's saying there is she shares her personal
experiences and vulnerabilities to teach others that's what I do too
typically when I share one of my personal stories is to teach you maybe
is to let you know that it is possible to get through something to come out on
the other side you know hope it's possible to have hope like don't lose
hope if I can do this you can do this right so I share my stories to teach but
I don't hop on YouTube or I try not to even I twelve to you I can not to use
YouTube as therapy YouTube is not therapy for me you know it's therapy for
me my fucking therapist is therapy for me you know what I mean
so I I don't use this platform you know or in order to get a feeling from you
guys and like that is something that you know we're gonna talk about in a second
but you know check in like my advice would be again take it or leave it it's
a check in with this like on your social media usage like why are you sharing
this why are you sharing your experience to show people that they can get through
it too are you sharing an experience to explore inspire people or are you doing
what brené Brown says are you sharing the heal 5 tip number 5 don't share on
to meet unmet needs all right trying to fill this thing and the way
she recommends checking in with this is like is it tied into an expectation of a
particular explore response so some of us share or over share especially on
social media or even on a first date or when you're meeting new people because
we're trying to get people to you know validate those three things that we
talked about in the beginning like why we why we over share right do I want
people to call me and tell me it's gonna be okay and all of that right again
there is nothing wrong with that there was nothing wrong with being vulnerable
but it's with who we're being vulnerable with you know like I have my beautiful
girlfriend Tristan I have my support group I love all these people in you
know in in my life today so like it's it's not always necessary for me to
share something to get that validation and I'll be honest it's something that I
struggle with like because all of us want validation in some way shape or
form and like as a youtuber it's it's easy for me to just like send out a
tweet like and saying like hey I'm struggling this is what I'm going
through and da-da-da-da-da like for example like I'm not gonna you know
dance around this like all this stuff I was I was just going through Who am I
kidding I was going through stuff I'm still
going through right and I try to be very mindful about what I'm sharing and what
is my motive what is my intention behind it
do I want a pity party do I want people to agree with me what do I want from
this write or do I want to use this as a way to teach people like oh I'll tell
you this at the end of the day like at the end of the day when all of this is
over when all the dust is settled like I want I want people in my audience to
look back but maybe in November maybe December maybe in 2020 people look back
and say dang remember all that stuff Chris went through he's still here maybe
I can get through this you know like that that's my hope it's not my
expectation but I hope people can see like you know just when things start
feeling like they're crashing down doesn't mean we necessarily have to give
up alright so those are the five tips now she has a few more tips for us to
ask ourselves questions before we start to potentially over share one why am i
sharing this to what outcome am i hoping for 3 what emotions mi experience is
experiencing 4 - my intentions around sharing align with my values 5 is there
an outcome a response or a lack of response that will hurt my feelings
6 is this sharing in service of connection right so this is for me pause
it pause and pause and pausing and sometimes I'm better at it than other
times but I tried to personally bounce things off other
people first and say hey do you think it's a good idea for me to like you know
share this or do that or you know whatever like because I can't always
trust this thing up here like dealing with you know my own mental health I
can't always trust this this thing has steered me wrong plenty of times and if
you're like me my suggestion is to start bouncing things off of other people like
huh right because sometimes we don't even know if our motives are pure
because like kind of our own ego at least in my experience can be justifying
my actions right it starts encouraging me to do things so I try my best to
bounce things off other people I don't do it all the time but I I'd say if I
had to put a percentage behind it I personally try to do it like 80 to 90
percent of the time sometimes I just do my own thing and sometimes it blows up
in my face and I look back I'm like dang I really should have got an opinion on
that first you know what I mean but with this pause button like working with
other people and seeing them just start to pause strengthening that prefrontal
cortex that impulse control they start to see benefits when they start to be
more mindful and just pausing and asking themselves some questions I've actually
taken notes on this whole thing like have you seen me checking my phone I'll
copy and paste like my script if you will down in the description where it
has like the reasons why we over share the five tips from Brene brown as well
as the questions she recommends you ask yourself right but I want you guys to
think about this and like let me know down in the comments do you over share
what do you think your motives or intentions are behind it like let's
circle it back to the beginning of this this video let's have the conversations
down in the comments below why we over share can any of you relate to this one
to verify that we're not good to to verify that the relationship is not good
like self-sabotage or three to Hotwire the relationship to push the
relationship to the next level let's have the conversation down in the
comments below let's all get vulnerable with each other it feels nice
alright there anyways that's all I got with this video if you like this video
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will be filming that next week alright thanks again so so much for watching
thank you for your support and I'll see you next time