- I recently went on an international vacation
with my ex-husband and our kids
and his mother and my mother.
Why in God's name would I do this?
I'm gonna tell you.
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Okay, so why would I go on a divorced family vacation?
Well, as I've talked about before, divorce sucks.
You don't get to see your kids all the time,
you miss out on important events when you're not with them
and the structure of life as you knew it
has been demolished,
leaving behind shards of the life that you once dreamed of
and all you can do now is try and reassemble those shards.
It's good times.
One of the things that gets tossed asunder
when you get divorced is the opportunity
to have shared family experiences together.
Birthdays, vacations, and milestones
all fall under this umbrella.
My ex and I have decided to be divorced and stay that way
but we've also chosen to have our lives entwined
in a way that sometimes makes people uncomfortable.
I can't speak for my ex
but here are my reasons that we do this.
Number one: I like my ex.
My ex and I were friends for about a year and a half
before we even started dating,
so our friendship was pretty well-established
by the time we decided to start dating
and eventually get married and have kids.
This means I actually enjoy his company.
He is smart, he's witty, he's knowledgeable,
I trust his opinions about things,
and I want to experience things with him.
Number two: He is a phenomenal dad.
I don't mean to make you nauseous
and he is not a perfect human being
but he is a thousand percent there for our boys.
He homeschools them, he cares for them,
his relationship with them is inspiring.
I learn things about them
that I don't always learn when he's not there.
He's a great dad.
Number three: Togetherness.
I believe that there are certain things
which should be experienced as a family
even if you're divorced
because of their importance and significance.
Not always, but as much as possible,
we do holidays together, families celebrate together.
When there are funerals in our lives,
we do those together too.
The fact that we are divorced does not change the fact
that we are connected forever because of these boys.
Number four: Tradition.
As a Jewish family, the commemoration of Jewish events
is especially important
for our boys to experience with us together.
Our sons don't attend Jewish day school
and they don't have a lot of Jewish friends,
so the acknowledgement of the significance
of Jewish culture and Jewish ritual
is important in both of our homes.
This means we mark the Jewish calendar in similar ways,
we celebrate the holidays together in similar ways,
and we emphasize the importance of Israel in similar ways.
The bar mitzvah of our older son is coming up this fall
and we wanted to mark this milestone
with a family trip to Israel.
So after much discussion, we decided to do it
and since my ex's mom was already in Israel
on a synagogue trip, we figured, let's bring my mom,
and just make it a big divorced family vacation.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, oh my God, I'm throwing up in my mouth
because Mayim Bialik is bragging
that she's got it all together, whatever.
I don't have it all together,
and what makes it work are the following acknowledgements.
I don't always like my ex.
I know, I just said how much I liked him and I do,
but sure as the sun rises every day,
he sometimes makes me nuts.
And guess what?
I make him nuts too.
I don't always like his parental decisions.
While he is a phenomenal dad, he sometimes does things
that I don't agree with regarding his parenting.
And yes, I sometimes huff and puff and pout about it.
Here's another thing.
Togetherness can be overwhelming.
Sometimes it's just too much.
I see unhealthy dynamics creeping in
and I sometimes wish
that it could just be me and my boys again,
when I don't have to let anybody else weigh in
or deal with their opinions about anything.
My ex sometimes reminds me
why it sometimes feels better to sometimes be alone.
Sometimes, sometimes.
And also, Jewish events in particular
force you to be together a lot,
like, every event is actually four events.
And for thousands of years,
Jews have formed a community around events like this.
You cannot get away from the tribe.
It's not perfect all the time
but I know that it won't be, so it's okay.
If I thought it would be perfect all the time,
every time he corrected my parking job,
I might throw up my hands or throw something at him
and say I'm never spending time with you again,
and then who really suffers?
Ultimately, our kids.
I hate being divorced and I hate the baggage
that I will likely carry around for the rest of my life
but what I know is that my ex-husband and I
both play a part in our children's lives
as much in divorce as we did when we were married.
We decide every day how to act, how to react,
how to respond, and how to relate.
And every day is another opportunity for me
to share with my boys the complexity of divorce.
The message that we send to our sons
is that we both try to put them first
and we have found the ability to simultaneously move forward
while still holding fast
to the things that we cherish the most.
How does your divorce work or how doesn't it work?
Please leave your comments below.
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who you think could learn a little bit about what it's like
to take an international divorced family vacation.
Also, make sure to check out groknation.com,
where I've written a ton about divorce
and all sorts of family related things.