Begin
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
'I have no time for that'
With its mix of fantasy family feud
'This medallion from the house of Armagh'
imaginative executions,
and boobs.
'Hi there, wanna come in for a swim?'
Sorceress could be a low budget Game of Thrones
'By the fangs of Grotner!'
On the other hand, it has perhaps the only zombie rape joke in cinema '
Been buried a thousand years, you know?'
And the title Sorceress is an issue.
'Now let's see what you're made of Sorcerer'
The women don't do magic.
'You speak nonsense Chatria'
But gender confusion is common in this film and it's that that pushes it from amusingly bad to, what the fuck?
'When I explain everything to you, you will understand'
Bad sorcerer, Traigon wants to sacrifice his first born child.
'You know the sacrifices necessary for the greater good of...'
has he just noticed her breasts?
'By Enora, there are two'
Turns out it's twins, Mira and Mara who are saved by good sorcerer, Krona,
showing up just too late to save their mother,
He will teach the babies to be warriors so they can get their vengeance, but
'They are girl children'
or girls
'Girl children...
but never mind'
Yeah, make the best of bad job.
'What are you talking about?'
This Obi-wannabe hides the twins with a friend of his, with predictable results.
Where the hell's Krona?
'I was too late'
Again, you suck at this. But he's made sure the twins won't be recognised.
'No one must know they are girls'
Yeah there's a problem with that, especially in slow motion.
The babies have grown up into twin playboy bunnies Leigh and Lynette Harris
and you don't have to be a biologist to see they're girls.
'No help for them now lads'
Okay, maybe he's short-sighted but when he hears their voices...
They were our father and mother and sister'
'I'm sorry lads'
This unlikely deception holds until the girls make a fatal mistake.
'The perfect disguise'
Putting the whole 'perfect disguise' thing on hold, why did they undress?
'But you're girls?'
Nice catch mate.
'Girls? what do you mean?'
What?
'You're not boys'
Again, just a great catch.
'Not boys? Are you sure?'
I'm now imagining Krona, walking away having just dropped off the babies with his friend
and asking him not to tell anyone they're girls going 'Ooh, should I have specified he is allowed to tell them.'
'Nah, that goes without saying, he's not a moron'
'You seem unsure'
But apparently he was a moron and he passed it onto his children.
'Well really, what's the difference'
Couple of things spring to mind.
'Like this?'
'Yes. I guess we never thought much about it'
Or about anything else.
'Do you know where babies come from?'
If you're thinking this is starting to sound like the plot of a porn film, you may have point.
'You have some great surprises in store for you'
For starters there's this earlier scene dealing with the twins' baffling ignorance about boys and girls .
'What's that, which he carries there, hanging between his legs?'
'I don't know, some kind of horn?'
But most noticeably; along with some limited magical ability, Krona bestowed an odd gift
'From this moment these two shall be as one'
Meaning they each experience what the other is feeling.
'It's Mara?'
'Is she being tortured?'
Let's watch and find out
'No, she's not being tortured'
This film relies on its men being so apocalyptically unobservant that they can only stumble from scene to scene stating the bleeding obvious.
'You've suddenly become a woman'
Nothing gets past you. Including opportunity.
'Isn't one enough for you?'
'You forget Baldar, these two are one'
There's nothing like love a happy ending.
'Filthy beast! I have no time for your disgusting desires now'
Sorceress featured playmate bunny twins, but let us know your favorite movie twins. Thanks for watching and don't forget to subscribe
'Death is only death swine.'