Yeah, time goes on, and now, I find
myself being the dad.
The roles are reversed.
I have a son.
I am officially over 60,
and I have a 13-year-old son
at home.
I tell people that.
They always say oh, you started
late.
Late?
That's way more than late, people.
That's after regular business hours.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, my son is the greatest thing
that ever happened.
I love him to death.
I think God's greatest gift to us
is our children.
I want to be the best dad possible.
Frankly, I could use a little more
information.
(audience laughing)
I wish someone could explain to me,
why is it so hard to get a kid
to take a bath or a shower?
(audience laughing)
What is that all about?
Elementary school age kids,
middle school age, it's like it's
a painful experience for him
or something, isn't it?
And even if you can get them
in there, there is no guarantee
anything is getting clean.
(audience laughing)
My son just spent 10 minutes
in the shower, come out
with his hair and one leg still dry.
How's that possible?
(audience laughing)
Get a kid to take a bath or shower.
Or get a kid to eat something
different at the dinner table,
to try some new food at the dinner
table.
Hey, I don't know who that guy is
that invented macaroni and cheese,
but he deserves a Nobel prize.
(audience laughing)
That guy single-handedly prevented
childhood starvation in North
America.
(audience laughing)
If it weren't for mac and cheese,
pizza and chicken fingers,
my kid would have been on a feeding
tube before he finished third grade.
(audience laughing)
Just one child, so we don't have
to worry about that favoritism
thing.
You see that in big families,
don't you?
Seems like it's always the youngest
that's the favorite.
Don't you hate it when you see
parents showing favoritism
to children?
I've got a buddy in Texas.
He's got one
indoor and outdoor kids.
(audience laughing)
Hard being a parent, isn't it?
Very difficult job, trying not to be
the same way my dad was.
He was one of those disciplinarians.
You know what I'm talking about?
Everything had to be a learning
experience.
And he was real creative
with his punishment.
"Son, you have to clean your room
"today.
"You know what that means?"
I don't know, Dad.
Am I grounded?
"Sorry, son, you're no longer covered
"by our family health insurance.
(audience laughing)
"I wouldn't go outside without a hat
"today if I were you."
(audience laughing)
It's hard being a parent.
Well, you got to be so aware.
You got to watch what you do.
You especially have to watch
everything you say
because those kids hear everything,
and they repeat it.
And I know that's true
because a couple of weeks
ago, I dropped the TV remote
on the floor,
and I asked my son to get it for me.
And he went--
(groaning)
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
(audience applauding)
That's my boy.
(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)