hey there everybody and welcome to this short video on nine tips
for abandonment anxiety relief i'm your host dr donnelly snipes
there are a lot of things that can cause abandonment anxiety and way more than we can
go into in this particular video but i was asked to give a few quick tips that people might be able
to start using so here you go first recognize that abandonment anxiety may occur when you've
been rejected by someone you love and trusted it doesn't have to be something that started when
you were a child or with your primary caregiver abandonment can happen at any time and it can be
devastating secure attachment is the opposite of insecurity and fear of abandonment so basically
one of the things that you want to strive for to address abandonment anxiety is learning how to
develop secure attachments it's possible that you have abandoned and or rejected
yourself and that may contribute to abandonment anxiety because you expect others to do to you
as you've already done to yourself to start to learn what a healthy relationship feels like
develop a secure attachment with yourself start there can be consistent with yourself check in be
mindful be responsive to yourself when you notice that you have a thought want or need attend to it
pay attention to yourself be loving give yourself positive reinforcement do things that are kind and
compassionate for yourself not just stuff that has to be done or not just stuff that is corrective
validate and accept yourself for who you are in the moment encourage yourself be your own best
cheerleader and finally support and forgive yourself support yourself even when you fail
support yourself when you're getting ready to do something that may be anxiety provoking you know
provide support for yourself and be forgiving when you don't get something perfect when you don't do
what you had hoped you would do you can still be supportive when secure attachments are developed
that supportive home base is so essential because that's where the child can come back to when they
have gone out of their comfort zone and had a bad experience they can come back to that supportive
safe loving environment some journal prompts what are some similarities between
relationships that you've had that have gone badly how can you avoid or address these pitfalls
in the future if you've had good relationships how are they different from the bad ones
other things that you can do include accepting that anxiety is a natural experience to
vulnerability all of us feel a certain amount of anxiety and a little bit of abandonment anxiety
when we become vulnerable to another person anxiety itself is not a bad thing it's your brain
telling you hey this is a vulnerable territory you better check and make sure that you've got
all your proverbial ducts in a row anxiety tells you to check and make sure there's no threat
it doesn't mean that there is a threat it's the smoke alarm if you will of the
fight or flight response system eliminate mind reading catastrophic and all or nothing thinking
a lot of times abandonment anxiety can be caused when we quote know what another person is thinking
well we don't know what they're thinking you know to the best of my knowledge
we haven't developed the capacity to actually read other people's minds
we may infer a lot from their nonverbals or from their behaviors or even things they say
but it's important to eliminate mind reading because a lot of times we project our expectations
onto someone else's thoughts we assume that what we expect is what they're thinking
catastrophic thinking may cause us abandonment anxiety because we fear
oh we made a mistake this person's gonna hate me they're gonna leave me and i'll be alone forever
well yeah that's gonna cause you to feel anxiety if you you know go to that catastrophic end so you
wanna look at the facts in the situation and the probability you know based on whatever happened
what is the likelihood that it's going to have a catastrophic end
what are alternate endings that are more probable that could happen and all or nothing thinking is
assuming that somebody either loves you or hates you and it's important to differentiate between
extreme thinking patterns it's important to communicate effectively say what you want
say what you mean when when you mean it and tell people how you're feeling don't expect
others to read your mind either just like you can't read their mind they can't read yours
so if they're not meeting your needs it may not be because they're getting ready to abandon you
it may be because they don't know what your needs are so it's important to communicate
effectively differentiate between rejecting behaviors and rejecting a person
just because somebody provides constructive feedback about a behavior you have doesn't
mean they're rejecting you it may be something you did that they don't like or they resent
and we all make mistakes it it it happens so it's important to separate they're not rejecting you
as a person they just don't like what you did and they are communicating that to be authentic
continuously evaluate the accuracy of your thoughts in context so what i'm thinking what
i'm feeling right now how accurate at is that with this person in this context at this time
maybe you were in a relationship with somebody three years ago and they started to withdraw and
get grumpy and they were tired all the time and stopped paying as much attention to you and then
they they abandoned you they left okay that's devastating
you're in a similar situation in this current relationship your partner starts becoming
withdrawn and grumpy and irritable and just exhausted all the time well you know part of you
may assume that you're going down that same path but it's important to evaluate with this person at
this time what else might be causing that person to be withdrawn and cranky and irritable are they
going through something at work or are they going through something with family members or something
that could be causing that behavior what else could it be besides you basically
identify and address your abandonment triggers know what things that you feel hear see make you
think that oh my this person is rejecting me or getting ready to abandon me and then figure out
how to address them remember you know part of it comes from processing the trauma in your past when
that trigger was formed but also part of it comes from being mindful in the present about that
trigger in the present is that trigger threatening or is that trigger just you know whatever that
person's doing is that just very benign it can be very different in different circumstances
explore what you need in a relationship to feel safe what does a safe relationship look like
and finally create and maintain healthy boundaries with reciprocal adjustments
it's important in relationships that there's a give and take
and sometimes people who fear abandonment will get into relationships and they're like okay
i don't want to be vulnerable to you and put a whole lot of time in this just to have you leave
so the minute we meet i'm just going to put all my stuff on the table and i mean everything
and that can be really overwhelming to other people it's important to give a little bit of
yourself let the other person give a little bit of themselves you each it's kind of like walking up
walking up a wall together you each go a little bit at a time so you each
give a little bit become a little bit vulnerable you both have a horse in the race so to speak
when you make reciprocal adjustments and you maintain those healthy boundaries you don't
put everything out there automatically right away but likewise you don't have a wall that's
six feet tall and uh 20 feet tall and six feet thick around your heart the entire time either
some journaling prompts what does trust me to you if you trusted somebody what would that look like
what do you need in a relationship to feel safe
and in what ways does low self-esteem prevent you from believing that people value you
more in-depth resources can be found in this playlist on addressing abandonment
at all ceus.com slash abandonment dash videos