ON TONIGHT'S SHOW, N.B.A. STAR ZION WILLIAMSON WILL BE WITH US.
WE HAVE A PERFORMANCE BY YEARS & YEARS.
IAN, HOW EXCITED ARE YOU ZION IS ON THE SHOW TONIGHT?
>> I AM VERY EXCITED.
HE'S THE MOST EXCITING YOUNG PLAYER SINCE LeBRON JAMES.
HE'S LIKE WATCHING A LOAD OF DUMP TRUCKS GOOD AT BASKETBALL.
>> James: I'M HOPING HE'LL HELP ME WORK ON MY GAME.
>> I THINK THIS IS WHAT WILL GET YOU OVER THE EDGE.
>> James: LOOK, I'M REALISTIC.
I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO, YOU KNOW, PLAY IN THE N.B.A.
BUT I FEEL THAT, LIKE, NCAA TOURNAMENT, I COULD PROBABLY --
>> YOU'VE NEVER GONE TO AN AMERICAN COLLEGE, SO YOU STILL
HAVE FULL ELIGIBILITY LEFT.
>> James: OH, BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.
LIKE, I'M NOT GOING TO PLAY ON ONE OF THE ONES THAT SOUNDS LIKE
CHEESE.
I'M NOT GOING TO BE AT, LIKE, YOU KNOW IS IT GONZAGA -- WHAT'S
THE OTHER ONE?
>> GONZAGA, VALPARAISO.
>> James: YEAH, I'M NOT GOING TO PLAY ANY CHEESE-BASED
COLLEGE, BUT I DO LOOK AT SOME OF THOSE TEAMS AND I DON'T SEE A
PLAYER LIKE ME THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> ALMOST NOBODY IN COLLEGE
BASKETBALL HAS, LIKE, JAZZ AND TAP EXPERIENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: BUT FIRST, IT'S THAT
TIME AGAIN, FOLKS.
IT'S TUESDAY NIGHT, TECHNICALLY WEDNESDAY MORNING.
LET'S JUMP INTO -- THE NEWS.
GOOD EVENING.
( LAUGHTER ) TODAY, THE C.D.C. RELEASED A
COLOR-CODED GRAPHIC THAT CLARIFIES EXACTLY WHAT IS AND
ISN'T SAFE RIGHT NOW.
HERE IT IS HERE.
IT LISTS VARIOUS ACTIVITIES AND THE CORRESPONDING SAFETY LEVEL
FOR BOTH VACCINATED AND UNVACCINATED PEOPLE.
WELL, I DON'T SEE HOW IT COULD BE ANY CLEARER THAN THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE WHAT BETTER WAY TO GET
PEOPLE TO REMEMBER SOMETHING THAN A 14-ROW, THREE-COLUMN
COLOR-CODED DOCUMENT WITH LOADS OF TEXT?
( LAUGHTER ) AND LOOK AT THAT!
I LOVE THAT EXERCISE CLASS IS THE LAST THING ON THE LIST --
IT'S EVEN LIKE THE LIST GOING, LOOK, WE BOTH KNOW YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO DO IT.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M GLAD THEY INCLUDED SING-IN
AN INDOOR CHORUS IN THIS GOVERNMENT CHART BECAUSE, OF
COURSE, THAT'S WHAT WE'VE ALL BEEN CLAMORING TO RETURN TO.
EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST 15 MONTHS I CAN'T MOVE WHEN SOMEONE SAYS
WHEN WILL WE BE ABLE TO SING IN AN INDOOR CHORUS AGAIN?
( LAUGHTER ) PRESIDENT BIDEN DISCUSSED THE
NEW C.D.C. GUIDELINES AT A PRESS CONFERENCE EARLIER TODAY, AND
YOU COULD TELL HE WAS SERIOUS BECAUSE, TOWARDS THE END,
HE PUT ON HIS TRADEMARK AVIATORS.
>> Reggie: YES!
>> James: LOOK AT THAT.
I CAN'T TELL IF HE'S TRYING TO FIGHT ME OR HAVE
SEX WITH ME.
I DON'T KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT BASED ON BIDEN'S LOOK AT THE
PRESS CONFERENCE, THEY'RE UPDATING THE C.D.C. GUIDELINES
AGAIN.
IT'LL BE A GOOD SUMMER FOR DUDES WITH 'TUDES.
( LAUGHTER ) IN OTHER NEWS, THE CENSUS
NUMBERS ARE IN, WHICH DETERMINES HOW MANY REPRESENTATIVES EACH
STATE HAS IN CONGRESS.
HE WILL IN JUNE, BIDEN WILL ATTEND THE
G7 SUMMIT IN CORNWALL, ENGLAND.
CORNWALL IS A COASTAL REGION IN ENGLAND, NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH
CORN POP, A GANG LEADER THAT JOE BIDEN CLAIMED TO HAVE FOUGHT
ONCE AT A DELAWARE PUBLIC POOL.
AFTER THE G7 SUMMIT, BIDEN WILL THEN HEAD TO BELGIUM TO MEET
WITH NATO OR, AS HE CALLS IT, NEATO.
PRESIDENT BIDEN WILL FINALLY BE MAKING HIS FIRST FOREIGN TRIP --
AS OPPOSED TO LAST MONTH, WHEN HE MADE HIS FIRST, VERY-PUBLIC
DOMESTIC TRIP.
BIDEN'S GOING TO CORNWALL.
I FEEL LIKE WE COULD PIGGY BACK THAT RIDE, BOBBY.
GET US A RIDE ON AIR FORCE ONE?
WE COULD DO A WHOLE SHOW TRAVELING WITH THE PREZ.
>> I THINK HE'D LOVE IT.
>> James: WE'LL MIX IT UP, BE WITH THE PRESS POOL.
DO THE WHOLE THING.
WHAT'S IT LIKE, LET'S GET BEHIND THE CURTAIN, WHAT'S POPPING IN
THE WEST WING.
>> I'D LOVE IT.
WE SHOULD DO THAT.
>> James: HOW DO WE MAKE THAT HAPPEN?
>> HE'S PROBABLY WATCHING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: IF HE'S WATCHING,
WE'RE IN TROUBLE.
( LAUGHTER ) IF HE'S WATCHING, IT'S NEVER
GOING TO HAPPEN.
IF HE'S NOT WATCHING AND HE'S ONLY HEARD WHAT WAS WRITTEN
ABOUT IT FIVE YEARS AGO, WE'VE GOT A SHOT.
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK THAT WOULD BE A FUN
TRIP.
IT WOULD BE LIKE, OH, I REMEMBER WE WENT TO LIVERPOOL,
McCARTNEY, WENT TO CORNWALL WITH BIDEN.
ME AND HIM POPPING OUT A COUPLE OF ICE CREAMS, AAAHHH!
>> THAT'S NOT THE GIFT WE WERE LOOKING FOR.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: I DID IT DOWN HERE,
THOUGH.
SO THAT'S CLEARLY AN ICE CREAM.
THEY'RE CLEARLY ICE CREAM CONES.
THESE ARE ( BLEEP ).
( LAUGHTER ) AND THERE'S AN UPDATE ON THE
CHALLENGE TO CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM.
IT'S OFFICIAL, NEWSOM WILL FACE A RECALL VOTE LATER THIS YEAR.
IT'S SHOULD YOU REPLACE NEWSOM AND WHO SHOULD REPLACE HIM.
YOU WIN SOME, YOU NEWSOM.
( DRUM ROLL ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> James: I DON'T MIND THIS RECALL.
I DON'T THINK GAVIN IS THE NAME OF A GOVERNOR.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
KELLER CERTAINLY NOT IN CALIFORNIA.
I DON'T THINK THE GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA CAN BE CALLED GAVIN.
YOU KNOW?
GAVIN'S LIKE THE NAME OF A GUY AT
THE GROCERY STORE WHO TELLS YOU, UNPROMPTED, THAT ALMOND MILK IS
PROBLEMATIC.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M TRYING TO THINK, WHO'S A
FAMOUS GAVIN?
>> GAVIN PETERSON.
>> James: GAVIN ROSTAIL.
WHO'S A FAMOUS GAVIN?
>> THERE'S A SINGER.
GAVIN MCGRAW.
>> James: IS IT MCGRAW.
TIM MCGRAW AND GAVIN DeGRAW.
>> James: TIM MCGRAW AND GAVIN MCGRAW.
THAT'S INSANE.
THAT SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED.
I HAVE A BAD ENOUGH TIME WITH MATT DILLON AND MATT DAMON.
>> Reggie: THEY'RE JUST ASKING PEOPLE, DO YOU REMEMBER THIS
GUY.
>> James: NO, IT'S NOT DO YOU RECALL WHO HE IS.
DO YOU KNOW GAVIN NEWSOM.
YEAH, I RECALL HIM.
NO, IT'S NOT THAT.
>> Reggie: OKAY.
>> James: WHAT IT IS, I THINK YOU HAVE TO HEAR -- HE HAS TO
HAVE SIX MILLION VOTES, RIGHT.
>> HE'S BEING RECALLED BECAUSE THERE'S A PETITION SIGNED THAT
GOT 6 MILLION SIGNATURES THAT PUTS IT TON BALLOT.
ANYONE CAN JOIN FOR $4,000 TO RUN FOR GOVERNOR.
>> James: THAT'S EXACTLY THE PUBLICITY THIS SHOW NEEDS.
100%.
YOU FROM THE BACK.
( BLEEP ) YOU SHOULD DO IT, RE >> Reggie: YEAH, OKAY.
HUNDRED PERCENT I THINK YOU WOULD WIN.
I'M NOT EVEN JOKING.
DON'T YOU THINK.
>> Reggie: OKAY.
I THINK REGGIE COULD WIN.
>> Reggie: OKAY, I'LL DO IT THEN.
>> James: WHO ARE THE OTHER PEOPLE DOING IT?
>> CAITLYN JENNER.
>> James: CAITLYN JENNER.
AND KEVIN FAULKNER AND THE ADULT FILM STAR MARY CAREY.
I SAY PUT ANYONE WHO WANTS TO DO IT IN THE "BIG BROTHER HOUSE.
THAT'LL MAKE SOME GOOD SUMMER TV.
FORMER ADULT FILM STAR MARY CAREY IS RUNNING.
THIS ALSO MAKES A GREAT EXCUSE, IF SOMEONE WALKS IN ON YOU
SUDDENLY, LIKE WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
NOTHING.
RESEARCH, POLITICS.
I'M READING ABOUT THE GOVERNOR.
>> Reggie: YEAH, I'LL DO IT.
>> James: ARE YOU SERIOUS.
>> Reggie: YEAH, I WILL HAVE MY ASSISTANT GET IT GOING NOW.
>> James: I THINK THE SHOW WILL PAY FOR THIS.
WE CAN PONY UP THE MONEY FOR IT.
>> IT'S PROBLEMATIC IF REGGIE RUNS FOR GOVERNOR.
>> James: WHY.
BECAUSE WE COULD NOT TALK ABOUT IT HERE BECAUSE WE WOULD
TRIGGER EQUAL TIME LAWS AND NOW EVERYBODY HAS TO COME ON THE
SHOW.
>> James: DUDE, WE HAVE AN HOUR SHOW.
NONE OF US HAVE TO BE HERE.
WE CAN JUST LEAVE CAMERA TWO ON.
HUNDRED PERCENT, THEY WANT EQUAL TIME, WE'LL GO, YOU'VE GOT EQUAL
TIME, SIT AT THE DESK, PUT A GRILL UP ON THE ROOF, THAT'S US,
FINS UP.
( LAUGHTER ) >> LET'S DO IT, REGGIE FOR
GOVERNOR.
>> James: YOU'D DO IT, REGGIE?
>> Reggie: YEAH, LET'S GO FOR IT.
>> James: DO YOU WANT 24 HOURS TO THINK ABOUT IT AND TELL US
TOMORROW?
MAYBE YOU SHOULD READ UP ON IT, WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.
>> Reggie: OH, YEAH, LET'S READ UP WHAT I WOULD HAVE TO DO
BUT I WOULD DO IT.
GOVERNOR FOR SIX MONTHS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> James: WHAT'S GOING ON.
>> Reggie: YEP.
>> James: THAT'S IT, WHAT'S GOING ON.
REGGIE WATTS FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR.
>> Reggie: I CAN'T WAIT TO GOVERN.
>> James: I CAN'T WAIT TO GOVERN, THAT SHOULD BE YOUR ONLY
SPEECH.
>> Reggie: GUYS, I CAN'T WAIT TO GOVERN.
AND BY THE WAY, WEED'S LEGAL, ALL RIGHT!
>> James: THAT SHOULD BE YOUR THING.
I'M GOING TO STRIVE TO MAKE MARIJUANA LEGAL IN CALIFORNIA!
HE'S GOING TO PUFF PUFF PAST THE LAW.
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
AND WE HAVE SAD NEWS TO REPORT.
IT WAS ANNOUNCED EARLIER TODAY THAT THIS YEAR'S BURNING MAN,
WHICH IS NORMALLY HELD IN AUGUST, HAS BEEN CANCELED.
YEAH, I KNOW.
I BOUGHT THOSE SAND GOGGLES FOR NOTHING.
BURNING MAN IS CANCELLED.
SO IF YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH ANY ADULT MEN WHO HAVE PONYTAILS,
TODAY'S PROBABLY A GOOD DAY TO CHECK IN ON THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE NEARING THE END OF A
MASSIVE PANDEMIC.
IF THERE WAS EVER A YEAR TO HAVE A GIGANTIC ORGY IN THE DESERT,
THIS IS IT IAN.
ISN'T IT?
AND FINALLY, SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND A BRAND-NEW SPECIES OF
SPIDER IN MIAMI.
IT LOOKS LIKE A SMALL SHINY BLACK TARANTULA, CAN LIVE UP TO
TWENTY YEARS AND STINGS LIKE A BEE.
HERE IT IS HERE.
LOOK AT THAT THING.
>> Reggie: WHOA, DOPE.
>> James: I DON'T THINKETH FAIR.
WE FOCUS ON HOW SCARY IT LOOKS.
HOW IT CAN STING YOU.
WE JUST GLOSS OVER THE FACT THAT IT'S ALSO A GOOD FRIEND WHO
KNOWS WHEN TO SHOW UP WITH A BOTTLE OF ROSEÉ AND JUST LISTEN.
THE SPIDER IS VENOMOUS, SO ANYONE WHO'S IN MIAMI SHOULD BE
ON THE LOOKOUT FOR IT.
NOW, THIS IS WHAT THE SPIDER LOOKS LIKE DURING THE DAY, BUT
WHEN IT'S TIME FOR A NIGHT OUT IN MIAMI, IT WILL LOOK MORE LIKE
THIS.