As you know by now,
this week, Amazon announced
that they're gonna be opening two new headquarters,
which sort of defeats the purpose of "headquarters"
but whatever. And although politicians in New York
are taking a victory lap at getting Amazon
to move into their state,
some people are giving the move one star.
Amazon's decision to put part of its new headquarters
in Queens brought a bit of a backlash.
REPORTER: In Long Island City, some people
are voicing concerns about their new neighbors.
REPORTER 2: This is one of the big concerns,
the subway system. Commuters saying
that they're worried about the influx of commuters.
There's gonna be housing issues. There's gonna be
transportation issues. There's gonna be traffic issues,
-pollution issues. -Just this morning, I took out my phone.
I deleted the Amazon app off my phone.
Yeah!
Deleted the app!
I like how people make it seem like deleting an app
is permanent. "It's gone!
"Good-bye, Amazon!
"Oh, wait, wait, I need more toilet paper.
"Hold on, hold on.
Okay, now good-bye!"
People do that all time.
You know how many people delete Tinder on Sunday morning,
and then, by Sunday night, they're swiping again?
"I'm done with Tinder! It's trash!
"♪ Dupe-dee, dupe-dee-do. ♪
Now I'm horny. Hold on, hold on. Let me see."
(laughter)
But still, but still, people are really upset
that this Internet giant is coming to New York.
So, for more on the Amazon move, we turn to our correspondent
with the most browser tabs open--
Jaboukie Young-White, everybody!
-(cheers and applause) -What's up? -Hey!
Jaboukie... do you think
that this is a good or a bad move by Amazon?
Oh, it's worse than bad, Trevor.
It's cliché.
Amazon's been around for 24 years,
and now they're doing what any, like, 24-year-old does-- what?
Move to New York and gentrify a neighborhood.
(laughter, applause)
You know, they could have at least spent a year
-teaching English in Bangladesh. -Well...
Well, I mean, Amazon's not trying to be original.
They're trying to bring jobs to New York.
Oh, yeah, that's just what New York needs--
another 25,000 techbros sucking down green juice on the 7 train.
(laughter)
I mean, do you have any idea
how crowded the subway is gonna get?
It's already a non-consensual, clothes-on orgy. I...
(laughter)
I literally don't know where my backpack starts
and that dude's butt begins.
Yes, but... but what about the fact
that Amazon is promising
to invest two-and-a-half billion dollars into New York?
Okay, yeah, but
New York is giving Amazon three billion dollars.
Who wouldn't take that deal?
You don't even need Amazon. You don't need it!
I could give you two-and-a-half
if you promise me three billion dollars.
(laughter)
You want jobs? Count my money, bitch!
-Yeah... -(applause and cheering)
-True that. -Okay, I-I get it,
and you joke, but they are still bringing 25,000 jobs.
Well, yeah, but those jobs aren't going to locals.
They're bringing people in.
And don't think that it won't affect you, Trevor.
Just wait until the mayor tells you that The Daily Show has
to be hosted by The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
-(laughter) -Oh, I-I actu... I actually like Mrs. Maisel.
Oh, yeah, me, too. I haven't seen it,
but, like, I love that it exists, you know?
(laughter)
(applause, whooping)
But you know what the worst part of this whole thing is?
I just moved to Queens.
That place used to have street cred, you know?
Nicki Minaj, Nas, 50 cent.
But now when I tell people I live in Queens,
they're gonna be like, "Oh, okay, cool.
Could you return this package for me?"
-(laughter, applause) -Well... well, look I...
I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem like there's anything
you can do about it now, so, there's no point in complaining.
Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Not true, Trevor.
We can get out in the streets
and stop Amazon before it's too late!
-(cheers and applause) -Package for Jaboukie!
-Package for Jaboukie. -Hey, there it is.
-Oh, Ronny Chieng, everybody. It's Ronny Chieng. -Hey.
-There. -Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Ronny, what-what are you doing?
Side hustle. Don't ask.
-All right. -(laughter)
-I'm ready! My package came! -(applause and cheering)
I'm ready to get out and protest!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait.
Wait. Did you just order your "Boycott Amazon" sign
-from Amazon? -Yeah!
What am I gonna do-- go to CVS? (laughs)
That place is nasty.
Jaboukie Young-White, everybody.