>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY, GIVE IT UP!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] DO YOU EVER GIVE UP ANYTHING FOR
LENT OR IS THAT NOT PART OF YOUR THING?
>> I'M OPEN TO IT. >> Stephen: YOU SEE THE VALUE
IN IT. >> Stephen: YEAH, OKAY.
IF >> Louis: ARE YOU GIVING UP ANYTHING?
>> Stephen: I'M GIVING UP PEANUT M&MS BECAUSE IN MY
OPINION THE HIGHEST QUALITY OF CANDY PER POUND.
YOU'VE GOT THE PROTEIN, THE SALTINESS, THE CRUNCH, THE
CHOCOLATE AND THE REGULAR M&M BUT THE REGULAR POWER BOOST OF
THE PEANUT IN THERE. I KNOW NOW THAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT THEY CAN DO SO MUCH THEY ARE GOING TO SEND ME A LOT OF
THEM. PLEASE DON'T DO THAT UNTIL AFTER
EASTER. BECAUSE I WANT TO EAT UNTIL TH
THEN. ANYBODY OVER THERE GIVING UP
ANYTHING FOR LENT? NO, YOU ARE ALL SINNERS.
ESPECIALLY YOU, JOE, YOUR LOCUS OF EVIL.
WHAT ARE YOU GIVING UP? ARE YOU GIVING UP ANYTHING?
>> YES. >> Stephen: WHILE!
WE'VE GOT AN AMAZING GUEST TOD TODAY, NOT JUST A TREASURE, A
NATIONAL TREASURE, I THINK THE NATION IS CANADA BECAUSE
EUGENE LEVY IS HERE TODAY. YES.
YEAH, YEAH, AND HIP-HOP LEGEND NAS IS HERE.
MY DEAR FRIEND. FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
MONITORING THE NEWS MARKET TO SOURCE THE FINEST MOST TOPICAL
RABBIT AND BEAVER HAIR, BEFORE CREATING A LONG-NAP
STORY FELT, LETTING IT CURE THEN WOOD-BLOCK SHAPING IT AND ADDING
TRAPUNTO STITCHING AROUND THE BRIM TO CREATE THE TIMELESS
CAPELLI-FICIO CERVO FEDORA THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I AM AWOKEN BY STRAY CATS TRYING TO EAT MY
EYEBALLS IN AN ABANDONED IHOP, GLUE SOME TATTERED APRON FABRIC
TO A DISCARDED BUTTER TUB THEN HAVE AT IT WITH BROKEN KIDS'
MENU CRAYONS SO I CAN RUN THROUGH TRAFFIC WEARING THE
SHRIEKING INDIGENT BEANIE CAP OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT.
♪ ♪ MEANWHILE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] OH, MY GOODNESS.
IF OH MY GOODNESS. PADDLING TO SHORE RIGHT NOW.
MEANWHILE. UNITED AIRLINES HAS INTRODUCED A
NEW FAMILY SEATING POLICY, TO HELP FAMILIES WITH CHILDREN
UNDER 12 FIND SEATS TOGETHER FREE OF CHARGE.
WHICH IS FANTASTIC. IN RESPONSE, SPIRIT AIRLINES
PROMISES TO GIVE YOU AN EXTRA WET WIPE IF YOU'RE SEATED UNDER
A FAMILY OF POSSUMS. [LAUGHTER]
MEANWHILE, A TRAILER IN THE HAMPTONS HAS SOLD FOR A RECORD
$3.75 MILLION DOLLARS. I'M SORRY, THAT HEADLINE IS
SUPPOSED TO READ, "RICH PEOPLE ARE ALSO STUPID."
MEANWHILE, IN KEYSTONE STATE COP NEWS, SOME PENNSYLVANIANS OUT
FOR A STROLL AND THEY FOUND WHAT THEY THOUGHT TO BE HUMAN REMAINS
IN A LOCAL CREEK BUT POLICE LATER DETERMINED THEY HAD MERELY
DISCOVERED A DISCARDED SEX DOLL.
AND IF YOU THOUGHT THE POLICE LOOKED SURPRISED, YOU SHOULD
HAVE SEEN MEANWHILE, IN OTHER "THINGS FOUND NEAR A
BODY OF WATER" NEWS, JAPANESE OFFICIALS INVESTIGATED A
MYSTERIOUS SPHERE THAT WAS WASHED UP ON A BEACH.
WHEN THEY LOOKED AT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SPHERE, THEY MADE A
RATHER GRISLY DISCOVERY. GOOD GRIEF.
[LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, NEWS FROM CANADA,
AMERICA'S JAUNTY LITTLE TOP HAT, BECAUSE "THE U.S. FACES A NEW
THREAT FROM A CANADIAN SUPER PIG."
IT'S JUST LIKE AN AMERICAN PIG BUT IT'S SUPER POWER IS THAT IT
CARES ABOUT HOCKEY. AND BORDER STATES SHOULD BE
READY, BECAUSE THE SUPERPIG IS A GIANT, "INCREDIBLY INTELLIGENT,
HIGHLY ELUSIVE" BEAST CAPABLE OF SURVIVING COLD CLIMATES BY
TUNNELING UNDER SNOW. IT'S A BIG IMPROVEMENT FROM THE
PREVIOUS METHOD USED BY PIGS TO SURVIVE COLD TEMPERATURES.
IN A BLANKET. [LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.
WE ARE BACK, BABY, WE ARE BACK! MEANWHILE, A ROUTINE HOUSE CALL
IN CALIFORNIA GOT A LITTLE WEIRD WHEN PEST CONTROL FOUND 700
POUNDS OF ACORNS IN THE WALLS. 700 POUNDS OF ACORNS?
THAT'S NUTS. [LAUGHTER]
YOU'RE WELCOME, YOU'RE WELCOME. MEANWHILE, STARBUCKS WILL NOW BE
SELLING DRINKS THAT ARE INFUSED WITH OLIVE OIL, CALLED
"OLEATO-STYLE DRINKS." "OLEATO," OF COURSE.
ITALIAN FOR "[BLEEP] NO." IF YOU WANT TO TRY AN OLEATO,
YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO FOR A WHILE.
THEY ARE CURRENTLY ONLY AVAILABLE IN ITALY, AS PART OF A
PILOT PROGRAM AT ONE STORE. MILAN'S RESERVE ROASTERY.
WE ACTUALLY HAVE FOOTAGE OF ONE ITALIAN RESIDENT AFTER TRYING
THE DRINK. >> BATHROOM, BATHROOM, I NEED
THE BATHROOM. HERE WE GO.
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH EUGENE LEVY.