Welcome to The Daily Show.
I'm Desi Lydic.
And I'm Michael Kosta.
We have a great show for you tonight.
We're going to talk about how Kate Middleton's picture
is worth 1,000 news articles.
And Lara Trump and Jesus take the wheel at the RNC.
And Congress gets to the bottom of whether Biden is old.
But first, but first, Desi, think we should take a moment
to acknowledge equal pay day.
Because women don't earn enough.
And, personally, I'm sick of it.
Aw.
That's so nice, Michael.
In fact, in the spirit of transparency,
I'd like us to both say our salaries out loud right now.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, we don't really need to do that.
No, Desi, I'm an ally.
I want to bring light to an issue affecting all women.
Well, I mean, there might not be a pay gap for every woman.
Some women might be making more than men.
So I think we can just move on--
$65 a week, $65 a week, that's what I make.
Now, go ahead and say yours.
You don't have to be embarrassed.
You're right, I make less than that, Michael.
This country disgusts me.
Well, now that we have that out of the way,
there's a lot of election news today.
So let's get into it with another installment
of Indecision 2024.
[CHEERING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Let's kick things off with the big campaign news.
For years now, Donald Trump has gradually been taking
over the republican party.
First, he got Ted Cruz's balls.
Then he took Mitch McConnell's spine.
And now he's finally reached the butthole
of the party, the Republican National Committee.
And he's giving it a thorough cleansing.
Dozens of staffers getting laid off just days
after Donald Trump's hand-picked team
took over the organization.
Top officials in communications,
the political department, the data team all getting the ax.
Lara Trump, the former president's daughter-in-law,
is now the committee's co-chair.
REPORTER 1: In her speech nominating Lara Trump,
RNC committeewoman Beth Bloch argued
that it doesn't matter if Lara Trump lacks
traditional qualifications.
In a world where qualifications are often
measured by titles and years of experience,
we are reminded of a powerful truth.
God does not call the qualified.
He qualifies the called.
Lara Trump is the embodiment of this truth.
This is the most mean girl introduction
I have ever heard.
A lot of people think that you should
be qualified to have a job, but here's Lara Trump anyway.
Take it up with God.
But I guess why God would--
but I get why god would bless Donald Trump appointing
his daughter-in-law.
I mean, Jesus was the original nepo baby.
Forget a job.
He started an entire religion based on, "Um,
do you know who my father is?"
There is some truth to it.
Lara is completely unqualified.
Of course, that's never stopped her before.
[LARA TRUMP, "I WON'T BACK DOWN"] And I'll keep this
world from dragging me down.
Gonna stand my ground.
And I won't back down.
[LAUGHTER]
You know, sometimes, it's OK to back down.
Oh my god, I mean, I'd blame God for that performance,
although I think she proved that there isn't one.
All right, let's move on to the man Lara Trump
and her friend God will be trying to defeat
in November, Joe Biden.
Biden's age and mental fitness has been a central part
of the campaign, which tends to happen
when you're 154 years old.
And it's back in the news today.
REPORTER 2: Special counsel Robert Hur was at a hearing
on Capitol Hill today defending his report on President
Biden's handling of classified documents from last month,
where Hur described Biden as a, quote,
"sympathetic, well-meaning, elderly
man with a poor memory."
My assessment in the report about the relevance
of the president's memory was necessary
and accurate and fair.
REPORTER 3: In Hur's report where he declined to prosecute
the president, he writes, "Biden
did not remember even within several years
when his son Beau died."
That drew a fiery denial from the president.
Hur-d that.
That's right, this special counsel got a lot of heat
for calling attention to Biden's memory problems.
And, look, I'm not going to sit here and say
Biden's brain is perfect.
But can we just be honest here?
Remembering when things happened is hard.
I mean, I can't remember dates from years ago
and I'm a young, fit, chiseled, patient,
optimistic, sudoku-doing handsome man, you know?
Kind of pegged you as more of a word search guy.
But, no, it's true.
Like I have a really hard time even remembering my passwords.
I can't remember my kids' names or if I have kids.
I can never remember my husband's birthday.
I can't remember my own birthday.
Kosta, are you OK?
You know, I was going to make an appointment with my doctor,
but I forgot how to use the phone.
But, look, the point is this.
Robert Hur testified about his report today.
And the Democrats took the opportunity
to challenge his portrayal of Biden's memory.
I now want to turn you to the transcript
and day one page 47.
You said to President Biden, "You have, appear
to have a photographic understanding
and recall of the House."
Did you say that to President Biden?
Those words do appear on page 47 of the transcript.
"Photographic" is what you said.
Is that right?
That word does appear on page 47 of the transcript.
Never appeared in your report though.
Is that correct, the word "photographic?"
That does not appear in my report.
Yeah, that's got to hur-t.
Oh, see what I did there?
Because his name is Hur.
I turned a bit of a wordplay.
Yeah, no, I think we all get it.
But it's true.
There was lots from Biden's five-hour deposition
that didn't make it into the special counsel report.
And let me tell you, there's a lot of other important stuff
in there.
Yeah, unfortunately, there isn't any footage
from the deposition.
But, luckily, both Michael and I are trained thespians.
That's right.
So tonight, we present selected readings from the Biden
deposition transcript.
These are all actual quotes from President
Joe Biden's deposition on handling classified documents.
"You know, I went to Mongolia and great pictures.
I unfortunately embarrassed the hell out
of the leader of Mongolia."
"I'd sit with my national security team
and say we should follow up on this,
find out more about whether or not,
you know, who killed Cock Robin, you know,
and find out."
"You left everything in place.
I just hope you didn't find any risque pictures of my wife
in a bathing suit, which you probably did.
She's beautiful."
"I just warn you all, never make
one great eulogy, because you get asked
to do everybody's eulogy."
"By the way, there's a restroom right behind us."
"I get to drive all these, you know, electric vehicles.
I have.
Damn, they're quick.
You step your foot on the accelerator
all the way down until it gets to about 6, 7 grand.
Then, all of a sudden, it will say 'launch.'
All you do is take your foot off the brake."
Vroom, vroom, vroom.
I'm sorry, what are you doing?
I'm making a car sound.
It says "makes car sound."
Yeah, but that's not a car sound.
You're just saying the word "vroom."
Your car is a piece of shit, Desi.
OK, don't give me performance notes.
You didn't even get into Juilliard.
Oh, like you did?
I told you, I was on the wait list of the wait list.
Look, this is over. This is over--
Wait, you are such a prima donna.
This is exactly why I make more money than you.