I'm broke man, but I'm
in a good mood tonight
'cause I just finished a book
by Susie Orman called
"The Nine Steps
"To Financial Freedom"
and my new financial plan
is to marry Susie Orman.
(audience laughing)
I used to worry about
my credit cards and then I read
that the average American
has over $9,000
in credit card debt,
so I am way above average.
(audience laughing)
Even the credit card
companies think so every time
they send me a statement right next
to my balance, they always
write the word "outstanding".
(audience laughing)
Last month, American Express
called me up and go,
"Mr. McDonald, your balance
"has been outstanding
"for the past two months."
Listen, I just got back from Vegas,
so next month you are
going to be so proud.
(audience laughing)
Now I got the
cash back rewards card,
'cause I figured out
if you charge over
$5,000 a month you can
get enough cash back
to make your minimum payment.
(audience laughing)
Last month
MasterCard sent me a letter
that said "Final Notice".
Thank God.
(audience laughing)
I didn't think those guys
would ever give up.
(audience laughing)
I'm in a good mood tonight,
because tonight for
the first night I'm wearing my
brand new shirt from T.J. Maxx.
(audience laughing)
Retail price, $60. T.J. Maxx price, $20.
It had some imperfections,
like it used to be a dress,
(audience laughing)
but I took it to a tailor,
he changed it into a shirt and
$38 later, I saved two bucks.
(audience laughing)
That's my new thing this year,
I'm trying to dress better.
I think women appreciate that,
so I went online.
I looked up the top
10 fashion mistakes
made by men
as rated by supermodels
and some of you guys
are thinking, Jim
you're never going to
be with a super model
and I say, look,
supermodels get drunk too.
(audience laughing)
Some of them partay.
(audience laughing)
Number one, fashion mistake
made by men, cargo shorts.
Women hate them
unless you're married
(audience laughing)
because if you're married,
people will see your wedding ring
and your cargo shorts and think well
that guy's wife just wants
to make it impossible
for him to cheat,
(audience laughing)
so if she buys you cargo shorts
that is not a gift
(audience laughing)
that is birth control.
(audience laughing)
Number two fashion mistake
made by guys, sports jerseys
especially on a first date,
unless you're going
to the game at the stadium
and you're on the team.
(audience laughing)
Well, I'd like to let
the young women in the crowd
let you know that I do
not have any tattoos
on my body because I was
raised in a family where
I was taught to treat
my body like a temple,
but when I see someone with tattoos
I still think their body is a temple.
I just think that
temple happens to be
in a really bad neighborhood .
(audience laughing)