( APPLAUSE )
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
JON, HAPPY FRIDAY, MY FRIEND.
>> Jon: HAPPY FRIDAY, YES, INDEED.
>> Stephen: JON, TONY HAIL IS HERE TONIGHT, OUR DEAR FRIEND
TONI AHLE.
IT'S THE WEEKEND, AND THIS IS A GOOD ENOUGH TIME FOR ME TO TELL
YOU PEOPLE OFTEN SAY, OH, YOU GUYS ARE KIND OF LIKE A NEWS
SOURCE.
NO, WE'RE NOT.
WE DON'T BREAK NEWS HERE.
>> Jon: NO.
>> Stephen: WE JUST TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TODAY.
THAT'S OUR JOB.
>> Jon: THE TOP STORIES OF THE DAY.
>> Stephen: BUT THERE ARE TOMBS TIMES AND THIS IS ONE OF
THOSE TIMES-- WHERE WE WILL MAKE AND BREAK NEWS THIS WEEK.
ON TUESDAY, "THE LATE SHOW"" ON THIS SHOW RNLG WE WILL REVEAL IN
PARTNERSHIP WITH "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE-- THE OFFICIAL MAGAZINE
OF PEOPLE" WE WILL REVEAL THE 2021 SEXIEST MAN ALIVE ON THIS
SHOW."
THAT'S NEWS.
PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THAT.
>> Jon: THAT IS A GREAT STORY.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS.
SO DON'T TRY ASKING ME.
I'LL FIND OUT WHEN YOU ALL DO.
YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO FIND OUT.
A QUICK REMINDER: IF YOU ARE A SEXY MAN, YOU'RE GOING IT WANT
TO STAY ALIVE UNTIL TUESDAY BECAUSE IT COULD BE YOU.
I'M SO GLAD THIS ANNOUNCEMENT IS COMING ON CBS.
IT'S COMING HOME TO CBS.
CRONKITE USED TO ANNOUNCE THIS.
>> Jon: OH, HE DID.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
>> Jon: IT'S A TRADITION.
>> Stephen: HE ENDED WANT SHOW WITH, "THAT'S WANT WAY SEXY IS."
CHILDREN-- THEY'RE LIKE REGULAR PEOPLE, BUT SMALLER.
AND EVER SINCE THE PANDEMIC HAS STARTED PARENTS HAVE BEEN
OVERWHELMED TAKING CARE OF THEIR KIDS WHILE GETTING THEM THE
EDUCATION THEY SO DESPERATELY NEEDED.
THAT'S WHY I'VE BEEN DOING A SEGMENT WHERE I GIVE PARENTS A
BREAK BY ANSWERING REAL QUESTIONS FROM REAL KIDS.
IT WAS ORIGINALLY CALLED "STEPHEN TAKES YOUR KIDS," BUT
THAT SOUNDED WEIRD.
SO I ASKED MY WRITERS TO CHANGE THE TITLE, AND NOW WE'RE READY
TO DO IT AGAIN.
PARENTS, PUT THOSE KIDS IN FRONT OF THE TV, BECAUSE IT'S TIME
FOR...
>> STEPHEN'S REEDUCATION CAMP!" >> SERIOUSLY, THAT'S THE NEW
TITLE.
THAT'S JUST BAD IN A NEW WAY.
>> Stephen: HI, KIDS, I'M STEPHEN, AND I'M HERE TO ANSWER
ALL YOUR QUESTIONS.
HOW DO I KNOW THE ANSWERS TO SO MANY THINGS?
WELL, I'M LIKE AN OWL-- VERY WISE, AND I CAN ROTATE MY HEAD
360 DEGREES.
I'LL SHOW YOU LATER.
FIRST QUESTION: >> HOW HARD IS A GROWN-UPS WORK?
>> Stephen: WELL, I CAN ONLY SPEAK FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCE,
CATHERINE, BUT I'D HAVE TO SAY IT'S PRETTY HARD.
YOU GET IN FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, AND YOU TELL JOKES TO
EACH OTHER.
ALL DAY YOU JUST SIT AROUND LAUGHING WITH YOUR FRIENDS,
TRYING TO MAKE THOSE JOKES EVEN FUNNIER, AND THEN IN THE EVENING
YOU GO INTO A BIG ROOM WHERE PEOPLE ARE SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU
THAT THEY CHANT YOUR NAME UNTIL YOU INSIST THAT THEY SIT DOWN.
SO, YEAH, IT'S A BIT OF A GRIND.
WHO'S NEXT?
>> WHY ARE THEY SO REGULARLY IN THE BADGE.
>> Stephen: ELIJAH THERE'S A PERFECTLY REASONABLE
EXPLANATION: THE LONGER YOU SPEND IN THE BATH, THE OLDER YOU
GET.
EVERYONE KNOWS WE AGE FROM THE BOTTOM UP, SO YOUR FEET WRINKLE
FIRST.
IF YOU SEE LEG WRINCHG LING, GET OUT OF THE BATH FAST BEFORE YOU
BECOME AN OLD MAN.
IF WRINCHG LING TOE SYNDROME PERSISTS, ASK YOUR PARENTS TO
SPRING FOR STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIRACLE TOES.
MAKE YOUR TOES LOOK 10 YEARS NUMBER.
IT WAS INVENT BIDE A SCIENTIST AQAPS OF MINE AND MADE BY MIXING
DIFFERENT THINGS TOGETHER.
TELL YOUR PARENTS I NEED THEIR MONEY IMMEDIATELY.
NEXT QUESTION.
>> HOW CAN I BECOME A BILLIONAIRE OR A MILLIONAIRE IN
ONE DAY?
>> Stephen: THIS IS AN EASY ONE, SETH.
JUST GET ON REDDIT AND SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT A COMPANY THAT
HEDGE FUND MANAGERS ARE KEEN TO SHORT.
THAT JUST MEANS THEY THINK THE COMPANY IS OVERVALUED, THEN YOU
AND ALL YOUR MIDDLE SCHOOL BUDDIES ARE GOING TO BUY THAT
STOCK, FORCING THE HEDGE FUND MANAGERS TO TAKE A MASSIVE LOSS
AND DRIVING UP THE PRICE OF YOUR STOCK.
WITH YOUR NEWLY ACQUIRING WITH THE YOU CAN START YOUR OWN HEDGE
FUND THAT CONTINUES TO GROW YOUR FORTUNE, UNTIL ONE DAY A GROUP
OF PEOPLE EXPLOITS ONE OF YOUR MARTIN STRATEGIES, CAUSING YOU
TO REALIZE THE TRALDZ YOU MADE AND THE MONEY YOU COLLECTED ARE
IN FACT MEANINGLESS.
WHEN THAT DAY COMES, YOU REFLECT ON HOW NOTHING YOU BOUGHT OR
SOLD HAS BROUGHT YOU ANY CLOSER TO HAPPINESS, BUT NOW YOU'RE AN
OLD MAN, AND THIS ENLIGHTENMENT HAS COME TOO LATE.
IT'S CALLED CAPITALISM.
NOW, GO OUT THERE AND HAVE SOME FUN.
NEXT QUESTION?
>> IF YOU WISH UPON A STAR, DO ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE?
>> Stephen: GREAT QUESTION, JOSEPH.
I WAS HOPING TO ANSWER IT BY USING A FAMOUS SONG ABOUT
WISHING UPON A STARK BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, THAT SONG IS
OWNED BY A VERY LITIGIOUS COMPANY, SO FOR LEGAL REASONS
THIS WILL BE ANSWERED BY A ROYALTY FREE AN MAINTAINED
INSECT NAMED CHIMENY GRASSHOPPER ♪ DO YOU HAVE A REQUEST YOU
WOULD LIKE TO MAKE... A SPEAR OF HYDROGEN IN A GASEOUS SPACE
♪ MAKE A LUCKY WISH ON A THING CALLED A STAR ♪
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, STOP THE MUSIC.
THAT'S MY LAWYER, BRENT.
WHAT'S GOING ON, BRENT?
A LAWSUITS?
IT'S A DIFFERENT SONG!
WHAT DO THEY OWN THE IDEA OF WISHING ON STARS?
THAT ( BLEEP ) ( BLEEP ).
KIDS, THERE YOU HAVE IT.
WISH ON A STAR.
YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.
BUT ONLY IF YOU DREAM OF GETTING SUED.
SUED.
UNBELIEVABLE.
ANYBODY GOT A CIGARETTE.
>> Stephen: WELL, KID, I HOPE THAT ANSWERS ALL YOUR QUESTIONS.
PARENTS IF YOUR KIDS HAVE QUESTIONS POST TO SOCIAL MEDIA
WITH HASH TAG COLBERT KID QUESTIONS, AND WE MIGHT JUST
FEATURE IT IN OUR NEXT STALLMENT