( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU CAN TELL TRUMP
HAS BEEN ANXIOUS RECENTLY BECAUSE ON
SUNDAY, HE FIRED OFF 105 TWEETS AND RETWEETS.
THAT'S SUCH A RICH AND IMPORTANT RECORD FOR FUTURE HISTORIANS.
NOW WE KNOW WHAT THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF THINKS ABOUT M.M.A.
FIGHTER TITO ORTIZ DEFEATING ALBERTO RODRIGUEZ VIA REAR NAKED
CHOKE HOLD.
( LAUGHTER ) IT REMINDS ME OF LINCOLN'S
STIRRING WORDS, "A HOUSE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF CANNOT WITHSTAND
A ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE TRACHEA."
( LAUGHTER ) MM-HMM.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUMP'S SUNDAY TWEET-A-THON INCLUDED WORKS OF ART, LIKE THIS
STUNNING PORTRAIT OF HIS HEAD GRAFTED ONTO THE BEEFY BOD OF
ROCKY BALBOA.
TRUMP IS JUST LIKE ROCKY, EXCEPT HE CAN'T CLIMB STEPS, AND HE'S
FIGHTING FOR RUSSIA.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: HE ALSO WHIPPED OUT HIS NEWEST
LIE-SPLANATION ABOUT WHAT HE MEANT DURING HIS PHONE CALL WITH
ZELENSKY WHEN HE SAID, "I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO US A FAVOR,
THOUGH."
"READ THE TRANSCRIPTS!
ALSO, SEE WHERE I SAY 'US'-- OUR COUNTRY-- AS OPPOSED TO ME'--
MEANING ME."
( LAUGHTER ) THANKS FOR CLEARING THAT UP,
MR. PRESIDENT.
(AS TRUMP) "MY PREFERRED PRONOUNS ARE ME,
ME, ME, AND ME.
BECAUSE I'M ALL ME THINK ABOUT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"I MAY NOT BE MUCH, BUT I'M ALL I THINK ABOUT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IN THE WAKE OF SATURDAY'S NORTH KOREAN MISSILE TEST, TRUMP ALSO
TWEETED, "KIM JONG UN IS TOO SMART AND HAS FAR TOO MUCH TO
LOSE, EVERYTHING ACTUALLY, IF HE ACTS IN A HOSTILE WAY.
HE SIGNED A STRONG DENUCLEARIZATION AGREEMENT WITH
ME IN SINGAPORE.
HE DOES NOT WANT TO VOID HIS SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES."
WHAT?
HE'S CLAIMING KIM JONG UN WOULDN'T DO SOMETHING HE'S
ALREADY DONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, "DENIAL'S NOT JUST A RIVER
TRUMP COULDN'T FIND ON A MAP."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
REALLY?
THAT'S WHERE YOU DRAW THE LINE.
REALLY?
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT A LOT.
>> Stephen: NORTH KOREA WASN'T ANEWSED AT TRUMP'S TWEET.
A SENIOR NORTH KOREAN OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP, "A HEEDLESS AND
ERRATIC OLD MAN," ADDING, "THE TIME WHEN WE CANNOT BUT CALL HIM
A 'DOTARD' AGAIN MAY COME."
OOOH, THEY MIGHT BREAK OUT THE "D" WORD!
( LAUGHTER ) AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK,
THEY'LL BREAK OUT MORE ARCHAIC INSULTS.
"WE REFUSE TO NEGOTIATE WITH THIS POLTROONISH LOITER-SACK,
THIS WIFFLE-WAFFLE FUSTYLUGS, WHO DOESN'T HAVE THE SENSE OF A
NINNYHAMMER, YOU GILLY-WET-FOOT FRIBBLE!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LOOK 'EM UP!
THEY'RE ALL REAL WORDS!
PREPARE YOUR CHILD FOR THE S.A.T.S THIS YEAR!
( APPLAUSE ) MORE NEWS ABOUT TRUMP PERSONAL
ATTORNEY AND SCOOBY DOO MONSTER WHO'S SCARIER WITHOUT THE MASK
RUDY GIULIANI.
GIULIANI SPENT THE WEEK IN UKRAINE.
THE COLLUSION THERE IS LOVELY THIS TIME OF YEAR.
BUT NOW HE'S BACK, AND SAYS HE NEVER WANTED THIS MISSION!
IT CHOSE HIM.
>> I LOOKED INTO UKRAINE BECAUSE...
>> STEPHEN: (AS RUDY) ( LAUGHTER )
"QUICK, RUDY, THINK OF SOMETHING, BUT DON'T OBVIOUSLY
LIE."
( LAUGHTER ) >> IT WAS THROWN AT ME.
PUT IN MY LAP.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS TRUE.
I BELIEVE IT WAS THROWN AT HIM BECAUSE I DON'T THINK ANYONE
WOULD WILLINGLY GET IN HIS LAP.
( LAUGHTER ) GIULIANI TOOK ISSUE WITH PEOPLE
SAYING HE'S CORRUPT, ADDING, "I REALLY TRY VERY HARD TO BE
SUPER-ETHICAL AND ALWAYS LEGAL."
DOES HE THINK THOSE ARE LEGAL TERMS?
( LAUGHTER ) (AS LAWYER)
"YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT PLEADS MEGA-INNOCENT.
WE HUMBLY REQUEST INFINITY FREEDOM."
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.