That moment of discovery can be kind of a shocker and you might want to panic.
But there's a lot of things you can do to deal with your teenager using drugs.
First of all, if you just found this video either you're subscribed to the
channel which thank you for that. We are so glad to have you here. Or you've got a
concern right now. That has to do with a teenager. You may have some suspicions or
you've been able to confirm that there's some drug issue. So, I don't want to take
this on alone. I got my friend here today. This is Blu Robinson
Blu is the founder of addict 2 athlete which is a phenomenal program that's
doing a lot of good for a lot of people. And you've got some reasons to know
about this topic, don't you? I do. I know well. So, Blu, I'm thinking where I
want to start. If I can just jump in. Remember your job as a parent is just
one thing. It's to love them no matter what and even if. And this is one of the
even ifs, okay? So, let's just pass that test right out of the chute, so that we
can move on to higher things. It's your job to love them no matter what and even
if. But Blu, have you noticed this when when we discover that there may be a
drug issue or that there is a drug issue, there's a reaction. Absolutely.
What have you noticed about that and where would you steer us? Well, when you
first discovered that your teenagers has a drug or alcohol problem or even have
caught it and they all finding it in the room as you're picking up their massive
mess that teenagers rooms typically are. That first discovery is shocked and a
little bit of a fear and scared. But love has to prevail before
any of us as a foundation. Before anything else can happen. And that calm
times is difficult when you might be angry or frustrated. But remember, there's
a reason for that substance use. And if anything else is built upon that
foundation other than love, you're going to have run a big challenge. Get away from the fear,
get away from being scared and get back to "I'm going to fill the void that was
created." Somehow, with the substance is trying to take over, I'm going to fill it
with love. Yeah. Now, can we make a distinction also right here? And I know
you're going to know exactly where to go with this, Blu. There's a difference
between loving your teenager and trusting your teenager. Absolutely. In
fact, we just nuked to the trust didn't we? When you discover this, trust? *click* Absolutely.
And teenagers are going to look at that as one in the same. What? You don't trust me?
They lie. Yeah, no I don't. But that doesn't mean you don't love your
teenager. And so, it's important to be able to distinguish the 2. That when
you discover something as that's huge and as powerful as a substance, abuse
issue, trust has to be taken back. Love can fill those that void but
trust has to be taken back. Because too much, too fast and this has been
the outcome. This could be friends, it could be, influences, it could
even be things as severe as depression or maybe even abuse. But first, trust has
to be pulled back. Basically, so that you can wrap your arms around your teenager
and begin from that foundation. It doesn't mean that you don't love them. It
means that we have a problem that we have to start addressing now. And without
retracting that trust, it's not going to be able to heal itself. You've got to be
able to stand up and say, "I love you and I'm not going to love you to death.
Therefore, you're not going to get real close for a while." Hahaha!
Which we've got some techniques and strategies for. I just thought as you
were talking about trust, Blu. That it's kind of like a bank account. Yeah. Where
you make deposits, you make deposits, you make deposit. You build up a balance.
And then you make a big withdrawal. Absolutely. And when it's withdrawn, there
is no trust in the balance. So, when your child does this, when your teenager is
discovered in the drug use, substance abuse. It's like a huge
withdrawal from that trust account. Absolutely. And it's okay that there's
not a balance right now. Mm-hmm. That's just where we're going to start.
Absolutely. We do not withdraw the love. In fact, we're going to come at it with
an increase. Is that fair? That's very fair. An increase of love. Mm-hmm.
And typically, when you look at a bank account, like issues such as that.
Sometimes, you have to retain just a little bit of money in there to keep it
active. That little bit of trust, you know, as the massive withdrawal is just taking
out. But that little bit of trust to keep that bank account open, needs to be very
focused. You have to add $10 in your bank account to keep yourself
active in this bank. That $10 dollars of emotional investment is going
to be, "We're gonna see how to increase this now." So, don't take take it
all. But leave that little 10 to say, "We can work on this." From $10 of bank account,
you could create millions. So, you know one of the most important things we
can do. Especially having just discovered that there's been a problem with drugs
or alcohol with your teenager is to retain that line of communication. You've
got to figure out and help them understand where who and why. And it's
super important Paul that we don't ever have parents go right to a fight kind of
conversation. Like, "I found this, tell me what you did with it. Who have you been
hanging out with. I told you your friends haven't been very good." If we go down
that line, we call that "fight talk." Control talk. Yeah. It requires what's
called reactive listening. Meaning, if I command the teenager and I say, "I found
this, can you explain it?" You know, you're in big trouble mister or misses. They're
actually going to retract and push away from that and
reactively listen and say, "It's not mine, it's my friends. It's none of your
business." You know, and that turns into a lock. It would be a defensive initial
reaction. Absolutely. And it has to be. I mean, think about it when we get, you know,
pulled over by a police officer or when we get scolded by our boss. Our natural
reaction is to react instead of, you know, reflect and find out what the problem is.
So, I like to teach parents the concept of being able to search talk with your
with your loved one. With your son or daughter. Basically, being able to
find out through open-ended questions. What's causing this? What's happened?
Allow them to tell the story. The problem with search talk is you
might know is that sometimes we get stuck. Some
time to say, "Hey, I found this in your book bag. What can you tell me about it?"
"Nothing." Well then your locked, right? Typically, parents will give up after a
few sessions of that. Opening it, asking open-ended questions and having no
return. And they say, "fine", then control talk,
"You're grounded." But if you'll keep going just a little bit more. You will be able
to start moving them. But it takes open-ended questions and reflective
listening. You've got to be willing to hear what they say. And and persist.
Absolutely. You got to do this a little longer than you want to. But not as long
as you fear. Oh and that's where the love comes in. You love your son, you love your
daughter. It's going to take time. Are you willing to as you've taught. And parent
on of your inconvenience and really sit in there for the long run. Right. It's not
going to be convenient or easy. No. Get that out of your mind right up front.
Hunker down. And you've got support. We'll talk a little bit more about that just a
second. But while we're on communication, Blu. Can I just acknowledge that the
questions we use in the way that we phrased them make a difference. Oh, yes.
Absolutely. For example, inflection tone, all that stuff.
You're right. Listen to the difference here. "Why is this in your pack?" Alright,
first of all, what answer to that is going to satisfy you?
Yeah, none. Do you really want to know why? Like he tells you and you're like, "oh, oh.
Okay." I found that on the way home yesterday.
No. It's... So, stay away from why and like you were saying, let's ask an open-ended
question that's focused on searching and discovery and also support
and love. Absolutely. So, tell me about this. Mm-hmm.
Without any judgment. Okay? Help me to understand this because I'm on your side.
Mm-hmm. And as you won't get an immediate response. Probably be like, "Well, that's
not mine. I don't know anything about that or whatever." Absolutely. And then you
just stick with it. Yeah. Like, "Man, buddy, I sure love you
and I'm trying to understand. Help me to understand what happened today?" That's
the beauty of allowing them to teach you, right? Yeah. Because if the teenager can
teach you where this came from, why this is happening, you're going to be able to
feel a little bit more complete with the story because like you've said, everyone has a
story. And teenagers they make up some gnarly stories. Oh yeah. And so, getting
past that and removing the emotion is... Although, it's going to be difficult and
being able to have a conversation with them is going to be able to teach you
what they're feeling. Mostly like we said the very beginning, something hurt them.
And it could be anything. It could be something that happened completely under
another part of their life. But we've got to be able to operate with a cool head.
Yes. Now, so far, Blu, this sounds really touchy-feely Kumbaya. Utopian doesn't it?
Right? Because you're connecting in love and you're supporting and you're going to
listen. Now, I know that you're concerned. Does there need to be a consequence? Do
we need to have some kind of discipline or corrective action? Yeah. Probably so.
Absolutely. Here's what powers that up. We're going to make the discipline all
business. Absolutely, transactional. Okay, you know what I'm
talking about with that? I'm absolutely with you.
Share some of your experience about that. You know, discipline especially when
something comes up as sensitive as this topic. Because it can go down so many
different paths. Discipline has to be very unique and very focused to your
teenage son or daughter. And what I mean by that is, being able to use it at its
root word of principle. To be able to teach the reasons why. If we're able to
do this with a purpose in mind, it's going to be much more receivable
than it would be if you were to just blanket statements say you're grounded.
Because if we do that, well then, end of into topic in the discussion. There's no
room for growth. But discipline has to come in forms of being able to hold the
boundary, being able to express your concerns as why you know that the
situations that they found themselves in is not okay. And being able to hold them
accountable. Paul, I've seen too many times when discipline comes where we do
the quick and easy thing which is You're-grounded and then a few days later, a few
hours later at sometimes, they're out doing their stuff again. You know, it's
the old classic. You go to your room and think about this as they retreat to the
room. There's TVs and Xboxes and cellphones. And all that kind of stuff. So,
it's got to be focused and it's got to be able to teach the principle of
motivation to correct the behaviors. Grounding. Absolutely, it's kind of like
chaining yourself to a bear. Absolutely,
it's not that effective. So, in making the discipline all business. Let me just give
you an example of what comes to my psychologist mind. You're providing all
kinds of luxuries for your teenager. The average American teenager has far more
privileged than they deserve. It's true. And what I mean is what they're
morally capable of handling well. Mm-hmm. And you're only required to provide for
them certain things. I call them the 5 freebies. Oh yeah. The 5 freebies are
in this order: Love, you don't mess with that. That's why we started there. Air, I
know you're not providing this. But you have no business depriving them of it.
Absolutely. Air. Water, food and shelter. Okay, those 5, we're not going to mess
with. Everything else is negotiable. Mm-hmm. So, where does like
telecommunications or access to electronic equipment. For example, these
are a big deal for teenagers. And they feel entitled to it. is it on the
freebie list? No. It's not. Can we have a business transaction where they can have
certain access to electronics, for example. Those little handheld devices
that they are so fond of. Right. When they have a clean drug test or as long as
they remain clean. Now, is it okay for parents to do a drug test on the
teenager? Absolutely. More often than not what I find with that is if you can
obtain one and to kind of have it somewhere visual. Is that it's also a
motivator for them when they want to change. Because what they say is that, "Oh,
I'm sorry. I'm not going to be able to go with you because my parents are going to
drug test me." So, that else becomes excuse that helps
move them away from that situation. And so, sometimes, you know, all drug test do
is keep modest. That's it. So, what we want to
do is establish that before we have to catch them. And so, to believe it or not, it
really is a powerful motivator and can be one of those mechanisms of discipline.
They might try to turn it against you. Oh, they most certainly would. "You won't trust me!" Yeah.
Yeah, we've already talked about that and be open with that. No. Unfortunately, right
now, we don't. But there's a way to get back. And I want to trust you.
I want to. Here's a way that you can do that. Mm-hmm. Give the directives.
Absolutely. For example, so we're going to use this in a positive way, it's all
business. It's like, you can have the cell phone or not have the cell phone. Either
way, it's fine as long as you're clean. You can have one. You can have it. Right?
Something like, I'm just pulling that as an example. No, it's very applicable. We
make it all business and it's all about building up that trust.
Mm-hm. So, we frame it that way with our teenager and suddenly, instead of
fighting against them, we're trying to prove that they're misbehaving. We're
giving them ways to demonstrate their maturity and their good choices.
Absolutely. And it's going to take time and you're going to have some rough spots in
the middle. It's not going to be all cut and dry. And you're going to have to be able to
pull from a lot of different avenues and resources from your own experience as
well. So... Right. It's important to know that a one size fits all doesn't really
work in these kind of situations for each family. So, be able to utilize, you
know, past experiences. And then, you know, people who have been there as well. And
Blu, you know this because you provide this. Absolutely. You don't have to do
this in a vacuum. You don't have to do this alone. There is so much support
available. I mentioned addict to athlete. You're a
founder of that program which is there for the sole purpose of providing
support and professional services. You're going to need some professional support
and service and help. And that's okay. Absolutely. This is part of your resource
list as a parent. What kinds of things are available to people that they might not
be aware of. Absolutely. And this is where it comes to be a really important
part of what's going to be able to help your son or daughter. And that's being
able to have a counselor or a therapist. That's going to be able to bond with them.
There's got to be that trust builds between the 2 of them as well because
they're going because, well, they're broken, right? And we don't want to have a
power ratio. You don't want a therapist or counselor that picks sides. They want
to be neutral. So, sometimes as a parent that might be hearing some things that
are difficult. Even on your side. But more so than that, it's going to be able to
allow the teenager to start venting some of the issues that created the addiction
or the drug use in the first place. It's so important in this day and age that we
utilize the resources that we have because they're abundant out there. We
have a lot to choose from. But being able to realize that that drug use, those
symptoms of addiction, they come from somewhere. And so, it's important to
realize that it's not just, "Hey, I saw my friends doing this on the playground."
They're typically indicators that build up. And it's slow process. On average, Dr.
Paul, it takes about 2 years for parents to realize that their
teenagers even having a drug or alcohol issue. Oh, well, yeah. So, there's a build up to it so watch for
those signs. And then seek counseling and assistance. Don't keep it quiet.
We live in a world of anonymity for a long time. But there are so many
resources out there and it's so common that dollar to dimes,
one of your neighbors, one of your friends or even some of your relatives
have a teenager that's troubled with it as well. You're definitely not alone in
this. So, reach out and use those resources. Absolutely. And the thing that
I want to really emphasize is it's not all doom and gloom. When the right
principles are applied and the right people are involved. And the right
foundation of love and trust and discipline are set, the powerful thing
that can come from these teenagers who overcome these experiences are, they
become the next generation of individuals who can help people in their
place. So, it can actually where the right principles be applied. It can be a
motivator and had Institute great change for the future generations. So, it's not
all bad. Dealing with our teenagers can be kind of a tricky part of parenting.
We've got some other tips and strategies for you in our Parenting Power-Up course.