(Christmas music)
- [Narrator] Avi Rosen loves the holidays.
- We're gonna have so much fun with my family tomorrow.
(record scratch) - Your family?
(rapid typing)
- [Narrator] But this season...
(typing)
- Thanksgiving and Hanukkah are on the same day?
- [Narrator] You'll get two holidays for the price of one.
- Hi.
- Avi! - Avi, how are you!
(Avi groans)
- [Avi's Wife] Who was that?
- If anything, it feels more convenient.
- But my in-laws can't know that I'm Jewish.
- Why, they don't already know?
I really don't see what the problem is.
- [Narrator] It's double the trouble
when it comes to one man's family.
- Amen.
- Where are you going?
Avi!
- Nothing weird going on.
- Are those latkes?
- These?
No!
These are turkeys.
Tiny turkeys.
- Why are we sitting in a garage?
- Here's the tur --
I gotta go!
- [Narrator] He'll do his best to keep it together,
even if that means keeping everyone apart.
- Have you met my in-laws?
They're not Jewish.
- No, I get what the premise is,
but it just feels like a manufactured conflict.
- Excited to cut the torah -- the turkey!
The torah's a turkey!
- Your husband seems to be very nervous.
- What are you acting so crazy about?
(smoke alarm going off)
- I keep confusing two things.
Hot hot hot hot hot hot hot .
I got a hot menorah here -- I mean pumpkin pie!
I mean a turkey!
I mean a turkey pie!
- There's something wrong with the logic in this situation.
- Coming!
- Is that a yarmulke on your pilgrim hat?
Why is he even wearing a pilgrim hat in the first place?
- [Narrator] Sometimes, two families aren't better than one.
- First and foremost, we have to thank the Maccabees.
- Maccabees?
- Uh, who were --
- Who gives a Thanksgiving speech?
- I actually have a better speech right --
- Religiously, Hanukkah is not a big deal.
- Having us here tonight is idiotic.
- [Narrator] It's not actually a problem for anyone.
- Wait, I can be at both dinners at once.
I'll build a dummy of myself
and then use a remote control to move it around.
- Do you know anything about robotics?
- [Narrator] Except for this guy.
- [Avi's Wife] I know you're in there celebrating Hanukkah
with your parents.
- Let her in!
- Shh!
- [Narrator] It's a made up problem.
(Avi making various sounds)
Avi is ...
(Avi screaming)
The crazy man.
- Anyway, the next thing you know, it'll be Christmas!
- (laughs)
Christmas?
(reflective piano music)
- Hello.
Today we're gonna talk about
"'Twas the Night Before Christmas."
'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
All the stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children
were hung.
Oh.
Fuck, I sound like a goddamn --
- [Derek Waters] You sound great.
- Okay.
I'm sorry guys.
Guys, I'm sorry.
And mama and her k- her-
uh-uh.
And mamma in her 'kerchief,
and I in my cap
had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
I sprang from my bed.
Fuck.
No, this is bad.
This is really bad.
- [Derek] Stop saying that, you're doing great.
- Okay.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw open
sash.
And what to my wondering eye should appear,
but a sleigh full of deer and a...
A sleigh full of reindeer.
Fuck.
I'm sorry man.
- [Derek] Why?
You're doing great. - Can I like, go back
or whatever? - [Derek] Why?
You got it.
- Okay.
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles, his course should they came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
On Dancer!
On Prancer!
On...
Shower and Blitzen!
On...
They may have -- I may have already names all of the guys.
I'm sorry man, I'm not trying to fuck it up, man.
I'm trying to like, do the
- [Derek] You are doing it, everything.
- Oh my God.
To the top of the portal, to the top of the wall!
On dash away,
dash away, dash away oh.
And then with a twinkling I heard with a hoof,
the prancing and prowling with each little hoof.
His eyes, how they twinkled.
His cheeks were like jelly.
His bowl,
full of...
jelly.
I'm so goddamn drunk.
Derek, I drank since 2:30 today.
(laughs)
- [Derek] Allan, let's just try reading it.
- He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
and filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside his nose,
and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
(chewing)
and I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
(triumphant Christmas music)
I fucked it all up guys, goddamn it.
- [Derek] You didn't fuck anything up!
What are you talking about?
You did the whole thing and that's fuckin' hard.
- Goddamn it, I fucked it all up.
- [Derek] Do you realize that you're drunk?
(drink spills)
(upbeat Christmas music)
- [Narrator] Julia Donovan had the perfect suburban life.
- Hey guys!
- [Narrator] A nice house, a wonderful husband,
and two beautiful children.
- Hey kids, we got you an elf on the shelf!
- He sits on the shelf and reports back to Santa,
so be extra good.
- [Narrator] But something was missing.
- Look mommy, he's cute!
- Um, yeah, he is.
- We're gonna name him Peppermint!
- Peppermint.
Where should I put you?
- [Peppermint] Some club soda will get that out.
- You're real.
- And you're beautiful.
(intense music plays)
- Look mom, he really moved!
- [Narrator] A forbidden romance.
- Oh he did, didn't he?
- [Narrator] And a secret so small...
- We can't keep doing this.
- [Narrator] It's impossible to hide.
- I didn't even make it to the North Pole last night.
Santa's gonna kill me.
- To hell with Santa.
(music intensifies)
- Mommy!
We can't find Peppermint.
- [Peppermint] He sees us when we're sleeping.
I could lose my job!
- I want you out of my workshop, now!
- That's mine.
(whipping)
- Damn it, Julia, Christmas is over!
Why are you putting up that stupid elf?!
- He's not stupid!
(Peppermint yelling)
- [Narrator] Elf on the Shelf: the movie.
Coming Valentine's Day 2017.
- I just got cucked by an elf.
(dance music)
- That was just a taste.