WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW, IN HERE, OUT
THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU WATCH THE SHOW AND I
SUSPECT YOU ARE NOW. YOU KNOW THAT I LIKE WRESTLING
WITH LIFE'S BIG QUESTIONS LIKE WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD
PEOPLE OR BETTER STILL WHY DON'T MORE BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO
TERRIBLE PEOPLE. PEOPLE-- PEOPLE LIKE FLORIDA
GOVERNOR AND BODY BUILDER-- FLORIDA GOVERNOR AND
BODY BUILDER WHO ALWAYS GETS HEAD DAY, RON DESANTIS, YOU'LL
RECALL THAT GOVERNOR DESANTIS TRIED TO SCORE CHEAP POLITICAL
DRAGOONING PEOPLE OFF THE POINTS IN FLORIDA BY STREETS IN TEXAS
AND SMUGGLING THEM TO MASSACHUSETTS.
WELL, GOOD NEWS WE FOUND OUT THAT A TEXAS SHERIFF IS
INVESTIGATING DESANTIS' ROLE IN FLYING MIGRANTS TO MARTHA'S
VINEYARD. HELL YEAH!
YOU CAN CATCH IT ALL ON THE GET HIM! NEW
TV SHOW WALKER TEXAS FLORIDA MARTHA'S VINEYARD!
CHUCK NORRIS WAS GOOD IN (LAUGHTER) LENNON.
THE INVESTIGATOR IN QUESTION IS BEAR COUNTY SHERIFF AND
CHARACTER CUT FROM ME WEE'S PLAY HOUSE HALF INJURY SALAZAR.
JAVIER SALAZAR, INVESTIGATING THE CASE WHICH HE CALLS AN ABUSE
OF HUMAN RIGHTS EVEN THOUGH IT IS AN OFF SITED SPECIFIC LAW
THAT MAY HAVE BEEN BROKEN. BUT IT IS JUST LIKE PORNOGRAPHY,
YOU KNOW IT WHEN YOU SEE IT AND YOU DON'T WANT IT TO INVOLVE RON
DESANTIS. WHAT, IT'S SKIP HEAD DAY, YOU
KNOW? IT AIN'T JUST DESANTIS, THIS
WEEKEND TEXAS GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT SENT AT LEAST NINE BUS
LOADS TO THE PORT AUTHORITY IN NEW YORK CITY.
OH NO, GOVERNOR ABBOTT, NOW WORKERS WILL HAVE DEAL WITH
CROWDS OF CONFUSED AND SAD PEOPLE AT THE PORT AUTHORITY.
WHAT WILL WE DO! OH NO!
SO YOU SEND SOME BUSES, OKAY. TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME,
TEXAS. YOU SEND NEW YORK CITY
IMMIGRANTS, WE'RE GOING TO SEND TEXAS A COUPLE OF BUS LOADS OF
ENJOY HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE TIME SQUARE TOURISTS. HOLDING
M & MS WANDERING AIMLESSLY IN SEARCH OF THE BUNA GUMP SHRIMP
RIMP COMPANY, YOU KNOW WHERE ELSE YOU CAN BY M & M, EVERY
I WOULDN'T EAT SHRIMP OUT OF STORE IN AMERICA. THE
SPEAKING OF AMERICA, LAND THAT HUDSON. I
LOVE, PRESIDENT OF AMERICA JOE BIDEN MADE BIG NEWS ON THE "60
MINUTES" THIS WEEKEND WHEN HE MAYBE KIND OF PREMATURELY
DECLARED THAT THE PANDEMIC IS OVER, WHICH MARKS THE FIRST TIME
THAT JOE BIDEN HAS EVER MOVED TOO FAST.
(LAUGHTER) LET'S GO!
COME ON! WHO'S WITH ME?
BIDEN'S ANNOUNCEMENT TOOK THE WHITE HOUSE BY SURPRISE AND
THEY'RE NOW TRYING TO BACK PEDAL SAYING SURE, THE PRESIDENT COULD
HAVE BEEN MORE NUANCED. HE WAS SIMPLY SAYING WE HAVE HIT
OKAY, SAYING SOMETHING IS A DIFFERENT PHASE. OVER,
KIND OF A MISLEADING WAY TO DECLARE A NEW FACE.
CAROL, IT'S OVER, I CAN'T TAKE YOU YOU ANY MORE BECAUSE I'M
ASKING YOU TO MARRY ME. STOP CRYING, IT IS A NEW PHASE.
WHY ARE YOU-- LITTLE KNOWN FACT OTHER COUNTRIES HAVE LEADERS
TAKE NEW BRITISH PRIME TOO. MINISTER
AND WOMAN ABOUT TO CATCH A MARSHMALLOW IN HER MUT.
LIZ TRUSS, PRIME MINISTER TRUZ REPLACED BORE IS JOHNSON A
COUPLE WEEKS AGO BUT BASED ON THIS FOOTAGE OF TRUSS ARRIVING
AT WESTMINSTER ABBEY FOR THE QUEEN'S FUNERAL, AUSTRALIAN TV
DID NOT GET THE MEMO. >> NO, HARD TO IDENTIFY.
MAYBE MINOR ROYALS, MEMBERS OF THE-- I CAN'T IDENTIFY THEM.
>> WE CAN'T WITH EVERYONE, UNFORTUNATELY.
THEY LOOK LIKE THEY COULD WELL BE LOCAL DIGNITARIES, HARD TO
SEE, WE ARE LOOKING AT THE BAGS OF-- BACKS OF THEIR HEAD.
>> WE ARE GETTING NOW TO THE POINT OF THE END THEY-- I'M JUST
TOLD THAT WAS LIZ TRUSS, THE NEW PRIME MINISTER.
>> Stephen: YEAH. HOW IS YOUR NEW JOB, LIZ.
WOW. SHE'S THE LEADER OF GREAT
BRITAIN AND NO ONE RECOGNIZED HER.
I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT SESSION OF PARLIAMENT, EVERYONE
PRAY RISE AND BE UPSTANDING FOR THE HONORABLE-- CHIEF MADAME BIG
GUY. GIVE IT UP FOR THE LADY IN THE
SOME OF YOU MIGHT BE SAYING FLAT HAT. COME
ON. THOSE PRESENTERS WERE
AUSTRALIAN, HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT BRITISH
POLITICIANS, TO WHICH I SAY THAT IS NO EXCUSE.
MORE THAN FAMILIAR WITH THEIR I'M NOT AUSTRALIAN BUT I AM PRIME
MINISTER, WOLVERINE. (APPLAUSE)
I'M JOKING, HERE IS THEIR ACTUAL PRIME MINISTER.
OF COURSE THE BIGGEST (LAUGHTER) POLITICAL
NEWS IS THE UPCOMING MID TERMS AND ONE OF THE RACES THAT COULD
DECIDE CONTROL OF THE SENATE IS IN GEORGIA BETWEEN DEMOCRATIC
INCUMBENT AND YOUR CHURCH'S NUMBER ONE GRANDMA MAGNET RAFAEL
WARNOCK AND HIS OPPONENT FORMER NFL PLAYER HERSCHEL WALKER SEEN
HERE FINDING OUT HE'S RUNNING FOR SENATE.
WHAT? COME ON, MAN?
WHAT? WALKER HAS NO POLITICAL
EXPERIENCE OR QUALIFICATIONS. BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE HE ALSO
LIES A LOT. SO FAR IN THIS CAMPAIGN IT HAS
COME TO LIFE THAT WALKER HAS CLAIMED TO OWN COMPANIES THAT
CLAIMED TO BE IN LAW DON'T EXIST. ENFORCEMENT
WHEN HE WASN'T AND LIED ABOUT GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE WHICH HE
DID NOT DO. WELL, THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.
IT'S HARD TO KEEP UP WITH YOUR COURSE WORK WHEN ARE YOU A
PRETEND COP RUNNING MULTIPLE FAKE COMPANIES.
SO FAR, SO FAR WALKER FANS HERE, THERE YOU GO.
WALKER HAS BEEN DOING ALL HE SO FAR, TOO LATE, SO FAR CAN TO
AVOID DEBATING HIS OPPONENT. HE EVEN TURNED DOWN A DEBATE
WITH WARNOCK BECAUSE OF SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL EVEN THOUGH IT
WAS ON A THURSDAY. (APPLAUSE)
LOOK, I WOULD LOVE TO DEBATE WHOW! BUT
I CAN'T, MY DOG ATE MY PODIUM AND NIE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED GOING
INTO A TUNNEL. ANYWAY, GOT TO G IT IS TACO
MONDAY, I HAVE A REAL CASE OF THE THURSDAYS.
TGI-W. (APPLAUSE)
WALKER HAS SINCE AGREED TO DEBATED WARNOCK ON OCTOBER
14th, BUT WHEN ASKED ABOUT IT, HE TRIED TO LOWER
EXPECTATIONS SAYING I'M NOT THAT SMART.
HE'S A PREPARER, WARNOCK IS SMART AND WEARS THESE NICE SUITS
SO HE IS GOING TO SHOW OFF AND EMBARRASS ME AT THE DEBATE.
CLAIMS HIS BOLD NEW CAMPAIGN SLOGAN VOTE WALKER, I'M NOT THAT
ANOTHER RACE-- NO, NO, NO, SMART. THANK
YOU. BACK AT YOU.
WATCHING IS IN UTAH FEATURING ANOTHER RACE FOLKS ARE STATE
MARTED GREETER WHO WON'T LET SENATE CANDIDATE AND WALL YOU PASS
UNTIL YOU HAVE ANSWERED HERRIED EL, LINDAR PAULSON.
PAUL SON WENT VIRAL OVER THE WEEKEND FOR A NEW CAMPAIGN AD.
DO ENJOY. HEY UTAH DISTRICT 12 SNOALT
LISTEN UP RIGHT HERE. ♪ THERE'S A NEW NAME ON THE
BALLOT FOR THE SENATE THIS YEAR. ♪ MY NAME IS LINDA PAULSON
REPUBLICAN AND AWESOME. ♪ LOVE GOD AND FAMILY.
♪ AND THE STULINGS. ♪ I'M PRORELIGIOUS FREEDOM.
♪ THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS AND ♪ PROLIFE, PROPOLICE. THE
RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH. ♪ GOVERNMENT PROGRAMS SHOULD
LEAD TO SELF SUFFICIENT SEE. ♪ AND SUPPORT TRADITIONAL
FAMILY. ♪ AS THE FUNDAMENTAL UNIT OF
♪ BUT IN SCHOOLS THEY'RE SOCIETY. PUSHING
FOR NEW BELIEFS. ♪ AND JUST TO CLARIFY.
♪ THAT'S A AS A FEMALE ADULT. ♪ I KNOW WHAT A WOMAN IS.
THERE IS A LOT TO UNPACK >> Stephen: OKAY. THERE.
FEMALE ADULT, DO YOU KNOW WHAT FIRST OF ALL, HEY LINDA, AS A A
RHYME IS? TRADITIONALLY, THAT'S A FAIRLY
IMPORTANT PART OF THE WHOLE RAPPING THING.
REMINDED ME OF THAT FAMOUS JAY -Z LYRIC, IF YOU ARE HAVING GIRL
PROBLEMS I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON. AND JUST TO CLARIFY, AS A FEMALE
ADULT, I KNOW WHAT I WOMAN IS. BUT, IN PAULSON'S DEFENSE, SHE
DOES SUPPORT TRADITIONAL FAMILIAR-I-LY.
ACCORDING TO HER WEBSITE SHE'S GOT FIVE GIRLS AND FOUR BOYS
PLUS 35 GRANDCHILDREN AND 14 GREATS.
GRANDCHILDREN AND NONE OF THEM 49 GRAND AND GREAT KNOW GARAGE
BAND? STILL PAULSON IS 80 YEARS OLD,
AND THIS IS HER FIRST GOD BLESS HER. POLITICAL
CAMPAIGN. SO YOU HAVE TO RESPECT HER FOR
IN FACT HAVE I A LITTLE GOING VIRAL. MESSAGE
THAT I THINK MIGHT RESONATE WITH LINDA.
GENTLEMEN? ♪ HEY LINDA PAULSON, LISTEN UP
♪ YOU HAVE THE HIP, HOPEN-EST RIGHT HERE. AD
THIS YEAR. ♪ I'M STEPHEN KOLPACK BEDDER.
♪ THE CONSTITUTION IS GOOD. ♪ AND JUST TO CLARIFY AS A
♪ I WANT TO YOU MAKE MORE COMEDIAN. SONGS
♪ WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR PLEASE. YOU
MY GUESTS ARE BILLY EICHNER TONIGHT. AND
HEAD OF U.S.A. ID SAMANTHA POWER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK "MEANWHILE."
COME ON, Y'ALL.