>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
SAY HI TO JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN RIGHT OVER THERE.
>> Jon: HEY, HEY!
>> Stephen: WELL, FOLKS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YESTERDAY WAS ROSH HASHANA.
L'SHANA TOVA, EVERYBODY.
EITHER I JUST SAID "HAPPY NEW YEAR" IN HEBREW, OR I ORDERED
HUMMUS.
I'M NOT SURE.
ROSH HASHANA, OF COURSE, BEGINS THE JEWISH DAYS OF REPENTANCE,
DURING WHICH JEWISH PEOPLE PRACTICE "T'SHUVAH."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SERIOUSLY, WHERE'S MY HUMMUS?
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A GREAT
YOM KIPUR PRESENT LOOK NO FURTHER THAN "STEPHEN COLBERT'S
MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS."
ABSOLUTELY.
BUY THIS BOOK BETWEEN ROSH HASHANAH AND YOM KIPPUR, OR YOUR
NAME WILL NOT BE PUT DOWN IN THE BARNES & NOBLE OF LIFE.
HERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO ATONE FOR, SHAMELESSLY PROMOTING MY
BOOK "STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS."
AND I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS THINGS TO CONFESS TO.
ON MY SHOW ON TUESDAY, HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON ALSO NEEDED TO
UNBURDEN HERSELF.
JIM.
I HAVE A NEW BOOK.
IT'S CALLED "STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS."
AND I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT YOU WANTED TO
CONFESS BEFORE WE DID CONFESSIONS TONIGHT.
>> OH, I'M SURE I DO, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I KNOW YOU WELL
ENOUGH YET.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WELL, I MEAN, YOU
COULD JUST TELL THE AUDIENCE.
THEY WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?
>>> Audience, OF COURSE, NOT.
>> WELL, OKAY.
NOW DONALD TRUMP HAD IT ALL WRONG.
IT WAS ACTUALLY ME WHO WAS BORN IN KENYA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THAT'S AN EXCLUSIVE.
>> EXCLUSIVE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S AN EXCLUSIVE.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, I HAVE A FEW THINGS I'D LIKE TO CONFESS
TO YOU NOW, MY AUDIENCE.
YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?
>> Audience, OF COURSE, NOT!
>> Stephen: GREAT.
THIS IS "STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: QUICK DISCLAIMER: I
DON'T KNOW IF THESE ARE TECHNICALLY SINS, BUT I DO FEEL
BAD ABOUT THEM. OKAY.
BE RIGHT BACK.
( ORGAN MUSIC ) ( LAUGHTER )
FORGIVE ME AUDIENCE, WHEN PEOPLE BRING A BOTTLE OF WINE TO MY
HOUSE, I RUN INTO THE NEXT ROOM TO GOOGLE HOW MUCH IT COST.
( LAUGHTER ) ON A FORM, WHEN THEY ASK FOR MY
BLOOD TYPE, I SAY "WET."
( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, AUDIENCE,
WHEN I'M TOO LAZY TO READ YOUR TEXT, I JUST TYPE "HA-HA."
( LAUGHTER ) "HA-HA."
AGAIN, NEIL, I'M SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR AUNT.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE TIME, ONE TIME, I PULLED THE
FIRE ALARM AT MY KID'S SCHOOL BECAUSE THE TALENT SHOW WAS SO
BORING.
( LAUGHTER ) IF I'M EVER ON DEATH ROW, MY
LAST MEAL IS GOING TO BE ENDLESS SHRIMP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) I TELL MY DENTIST I FLOSS
EVERYDAY, BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS WEARING A THONG.
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER MY LAST TRIP TO THE ZOO,
I REALLY HOPE IT'S JUST AN OLD SAYING THAT ELEPHANTS NEVER
FORGET.
( LAUGHTER ) I HAD MY DOUBTS ABOUT THAT ONE,
TOO.
STEALING CANDY FROM A BABY ISN'T AS EASY AS I WAS PROMISED.
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE AN ELEVENTH TOE.
IT'S NOT MINE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M RUNNING OUT OF CLEVER WAYS
TO PLUG MY NEW "MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS" BOOK.
BUY NOW, PLEASE.
FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE!
>> Audience: WE FORGIVE YOU!
>> Stephen: THANKS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BOBBY MOYNIHAN!