-I think sometimes people forget there are things
that are physically exerting in shows.
You have injured yourself in past performan--
You got a concussion onstage?
-Oh, that's right. I did.
And, well, I've injured myself a lot, actually.
I'm a bit, you know, clumsy.
-Does the gentleman that you're carrying
out of the pool know how clumsy you are?
-Actually, I'm a little worried about wetness,
you know, slippery floors.
-Most people are, yeah.
-Especially when you're carrying
a young gentleman, naked, as well.
But, no, so, when I was doing "Cabaret" ages ago,
I banged my head on a light.
And at the intermission, I had to go to hospital.
And it was so funny, because I had been doing my neti pot,
you know, that thing where you put liquid up your nose,
and it cleans out all your tubes?
But sort of half an hour after that,
you sometimes get that surfer's drip.
-Yeah.
-So, I was onstage, being all, like, sexy,
and, all of a sudden, squirt.
Not so sexy.
And, so, I sort of sexually ambled over
to the side of the stage to blow my nose.
And then I thought, "Oh, I'm late."
And I ran back on.
It was a new route, where I was going.
And I banged my head into this thing.
And I got more and more woozy.
And I remember, like, at the intermission,
I've, like, crawled up to my dressing room,
I was lying on the floor,
obviously in a state of, you know, concussion.
And the stage manager was like,
"Do you think you can do the second half, Alan?"
"No! I have to go to the hospital.
And what was hilarious was -- So, it was a very hot day.
And there was a lady in the audience had fainted,
you know, with sort of heat and excitement.
And she had been taken to hospital.
And then what was hilarious was that I was taken
to the same hospital where she was.
And so they said to me, "There's a lady next --"
And I had these tubes and the mask, you know, oxygen.
My body went into shock.
And they came and said, "There's a lady next door."
She was a member of the audience.
And she was so upset 'cause she had been wanting to see you
for months and months and months, and she's so sad
that she missed the second half of the show.
Would you go in and see her?"
And I was like, "I can't walk right now."
They said, "We'll wheel you in."
So, like, they said to her -- They go,
"You remember how you've been looking forward
to seeing Alan Cumming?"
She goes, "I know. I can't believe it."
And they go, "Well, here he is!" And they wheeled me in.
It was merciless. -Yeah.
-It also -- It seems connected.
It seems like they're saying to her like,
"Remember how excited you were?
Well, after you left, he died. He almost died."
But, of course, you went because you are so sweet.
You sail -- What do you call --
You took a ship from England here.
-A cruise -- You don't cruise. You don't cruise.
It's not a cruise. It's a sailing.
You sail the Atlantic, I think. Yeah.
I sailed the Atlantic. -And you brought your mother.
-I took my mom, yeah, on the Queen Mary 2.
-There's, like, a Roaring '20s-type theme
on the ship.
-Well, they have these -- It's so fun.
Like, you dress up. It's like stepping back in time.
And you dress up for dinner.
And one night, there was the Roaring '20s ball.
And then this is --
-And did your mom just have the time of her life?
-She loved it. I dressed up as a gangster.
I know. Isn't that the cutest thing?
-And this is the second time you've done this trip with her?
-Yeah, I did it once a few years ago with her.
And I was kind of dreading it.
I sort to thought, "Oh, gosh."
You know, being trapped on a boat with sort of
elderly people would be -- You know.
It was actually great, because, you know, I'd quite like it,
but when you're kind of well-known,
if there's elderly people, you can just run,
and they can't catch you.
-Yeah.
Let's say if, God forbid, anything happened,
like, women and children first, you're basically a child.
-I've never felt sort of like a twink.
But do you know what happened?
Someone did get helicoptered off the boat,
because they'd fractured a thing.
And we had to get help before we left Canadian waters.
And I found out, from the entertainment lady --
'cause I, you know, did a Q&A on this one --
that they have -- 'Cause people regularly die.
-Oh, my God. -Yeah.
'Cause it's like, you know, 2 1/2 days
and fairly old people that are weak.
So, they have room in the hospital bit
for seven dead people.
-Oh, my God!
That -- You -- As adorable as this photo was, who is gonna --
I have to show this again so people remember
that something nice happens on this ship of death.
-Yeah, but I think it's good to know.
Think if your relative was on and did die,
they have facilities.
-Is there like a number at the deli
so you know how many empty beds?
If it hits 7, you're like, "Hold on, Grandpa!
-Yeah. God.
-"Just got to make it to port now."
-Yeah. "Just hang on till Southampton."
-Always such a pleasure to see you.
Happy birthday. Congrats on the show.
Alan Cumming, everybody.