“For some reason, the only Swedish I know how to say is, 'There is no toilet paper.'”
“The only reason I'd bring a Bible out here is if I needed toilet paper.”
Yes, even ex-Navy SEALS need toilet paper.
I was at work yesterday and everyone was talking about one thing… toilet paper.
“I’m running out of toilet paper!”; “Where can I get more toilet paper?!”;
“How much toilet paper have you got left?”.
I was walking towards the library and I saw a group of international students gathered
around.
They were acting a bit suspiciously looking over their shoulders and so on.
And then I saw one of them pull out something from under his jacket.
Was it a knife?
No.
Was it something illegal?
No.
It was a brand new roll of toilet paper!
Yes my friends, there is now a black market for toilet paper.
“The apocalypse takes many forms, but not once did I imagine a world where I couldn’t
clean my own arse.” ~ Unknown
Toilet paper is now selling on ebay for tens of thousands of dollars.
I find it amusing that you still have to pay $8.50 postage and handling.
For once in their miserable existence, Amazon Australia are actually cheaper than ebay.
You’ll only have to spend hundreds of dollars rather than thousands of dollars to pick yourself
up some bog roll.
“Woman ‘pulls out a knife’ during fight over toilet paper at a Westfield Woolworths
as shoppers fearful” “Police taser man after fight over toilet
paper breaks out in Big W”
Outwardly, Australians might have a reputation for being friendly and laid-back, but if you
get between an Aussie and his bog roll, you better be prepared for a bit of aggro!
Yes, these are the end days my friends.
Toilet paper will be our downfall.
But never fear!
Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison is here!
He has been on the phone with the supermarkets and you can rest assured that everything is
A-OK!
“Now, a very good example is Kimberly-Clark, which produces toilet paper.
They have now opened up their line of manufacturing in South Australia.
I welcome that.
And that’s a direct response, having worked with retailers, about what they need.
And I am sure that will come as a great relief to everybody [mild chuckle].”
Last night, I went to Aldi looking for toilet paper.
I asked the clerk if they had any left.
He just told me that they didn’t, but that they still had plenty of alternatives on the
shelves.
I looked at him with an expressionless face.
Although this paper is great for cleaning up my stove, it’s not exactly designed to
be used on sensitive parts of the body.
I thought facial tissues might be a good alternative, but unfortunately, they were all sold out
too.
So where does that leave us?
What are some options for those of you who have run out of toilet paper?
I would normally say go on Gumtree or whatever, but people are clearly just profiteering.
I wouldn’t give them the time of day.
Out of interest, I decided to go on an expedition and look in the toilets at a couple of shopping
centres.
Every toilet I went to had loads and loads of toilet paper.
You see, most shopping centres don’t use regular rolls in their toilets, and unlike
most households, they probably have weeks of supply stored out the back.
Unfortunately, when I snapped a picture of this one, another customer must have noticed
me and went out and told the security guard.
This is how the conversation went:
“Excuse me sir, could you please tell me what you were doing in there?”
“In the toilet?
Do you really want to know?”
“We’ve had some reports that you were taking pictures in there.
What were you taking pictures of?”
“I was just taking pictures of the toilet paper.”
“Why?!”
“I’m in the middle of doing some research about the recent toilet paper shortage.”
“Oh okay… that’s okay.
The thing is, recently we’ve had a number of people trying to steal the toilet paper
from our toilets.
You’re welcome to use it, but you’re not allowed to take it outside, you understand?”
“Yeah, I get it!
No problems.
I was never planning to take any!”.
Anyway, he let me go, but I quickly realised that the toilet paper crisis is not only real,
but becoming rather silly at the same time.
Public toilets are certainly another option.
Every toilet I went to on my mission yesterday had a plentiful supply of paper, although
the cleanliness of the toilets left much to be desired.
But don’t you dare think of stealing any!
They’ve got a lock!
The Woolworths CEO even got in on the conversation and sent me an email last night.
See, he’s even got my name on there!
“An important update on toilet paper and other essential items.
These are unusual and challenging times.
We’ve introduced some common-sense limits to a few products.
We’ve limited toilet paper to 4 packs per transaction.
Where available, hand sanitiser is now at the Customer Service Desk and limited to 2
per transaction.
However, if we see new shortages, we may introduce other limits.
Thank you for your patience and understanding as we work through this together.
Brad Banducci.
CEO Woolworths Group”
I actually went to Woolworths this morning with my children before school and asked if
they had any toilet paper.
The lady at the counter got a bit short with me.
The conversation went something like this:
“We don’t have any toilet paper!
It’s all gone!
I can check with grocery if you like but I know what they’re going to say.”
“Please, can you check?”
I saw her talking on the phone and then another worker approached her asking if there was
any paper left.
She raised her voice and said, “There is no paper!
Tell them there’s no paper!”
She came back to me and said, “Look, sorry sir.
There’s just no paper!
There’s absolutely nothing I can do about it!”
“When will the next load come in?”
“I don’t know!
I don’t know!
Sorry, I just don’t know...”
Clearly, she’s been asked about hundred times over the last couple of days whether
there’s any toilet paper left.
She was clearly at the end of her tether.
But finally, just before I started recording this video, I went to Coles.
I saw there was a Coles truck parked in the loading bay outside.
I went inside and asked if there was any toilet paper on the truck.
They didn’t know but they did tell me that earlier this morning some came in and people
were literally fighting over it.
They had to call in security!
Anyway, she told to me to hang about for the next 10 or 15 minutes and they’d soon know
if there was any TP onboard.
Success!
A few minutes later, a cart of toiler paper was wheeled out escorted by a number of Coles
employees.
They were guarding the load and handing out only a single pack to each customer.
In total, there were only about 30 packs.
I asked them,
“Is that all you’ve got on that big truck?”
“No, there’s supposed to more.
They told us originally there were three pallets, but two have gone missing!”
“What do mean two have gone missing?!
How’s that possible?”
“Look, that’s just what they told me, okay!”
A manager came up and corroborated her story: “Yep, two pallets have gone missing.
They were meant to be on the truck, but they just weren’t!
Sorry.”
So obviously somebody’s been helping themselves to pallet loads of toilet paper.
Anyway, at least I got a pack.
With all this craziness going on over a single not-so-important commodity, you’ve got to
wonder what would happen if Australians started running out of food.
I think I know the answer —
COMPLETE AND UTTER PANDEMONIUM!