- I should show you videos of me
just getting out of the shower.
(group laughing)
Sad and wet with my little penis.
I'll send you that.
- That might be my first dick pic.
(group laughing)
(upbeat music)
(marker scribbling)
- What happened to your wife's feet?
Foot, leg, knee? - She,
her elbow broke.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah. After we went to the Chateau Marmont after the
Critics' Choice Awards. - That's what you get
for going to the Chateau Marmont.
- That's what
Tom always says. - They killed Jim Belushi.
- They did?.
- No, John.
- Yeah,
(group laughing)
well we can only hope.
All right. That's enough.
- It was cobblestone walkway. Raining,
high heel, long dress. Just a bad combo.
- What was, an award or event show or something?
- Critics' Choice Awards. - Critics' Choice Nominee.
- You got a Critics' Choice?
- Yeah- I mean, I got a nomination.
- What was it for?
- My special.
- Her standup special. - Look at you.
- And you know who they gave it to?
- Let me guess. Hold on, hold on.
I'm gonna guess. I'm gonna guess.
I'm gonna guess.
Um, Paul Bart?
(Group laughing)
- No.
- I just re-watched that.
- Does he not have a special?
- It really holds up. - Paul Bart.
- Paul Bart really holds up.
- Couldn't he have one on Netflix?
Paul Bart: Mall Cop.
- Norm MacDonald.
- He's dead!
- That's what I said. - I know!
He didn't even. - You can't give it
to a dead guy.
- That's what Norm would've said.
- He didn't even want it.
- Not even around and received an award.
- Yeah.
- Pretty big waste of time.
- Give it a fortune.
- What're you gonna, bring it to my tombstone?
Yeah, what, he got it? Really?
- He won. - Yeah
- Yours was way better.
It was very good by the way.
So, ya know.
- That's true.
- No, yours.
- Oh mine.
- Jesus Christ. - Oh thank you.
I thought you said his. I was like yes.
- No. No. His was good, yeah, it was great.
It was beautiful. His was pretty.
- So yours would be nominated
for the 2023 Critics' Choice Award.
- I don't think mine will ever get nominated.
- If it does though, make sure your wife
doesn't wear high heels at the Chateau Marmont.
- Yeah.
- I gotta tell you, I think I will make her do that
'cause it,
it made for good Instagram content.
- I know. I got a lot of,
- Sympathy hits?
- A lot of sympathy hits.
- Well it's funny because a friend of ours recently
is going through a divorce.
He's public about it.
- Oh, okay.
- As soon as I saw your post, I thought,
"Did something happen with them?"
- Oh.
- Because it was like hearts and sad.
It was like, "Oh my God, I'm so,"
and I was like, "what happened?"
- Yeah.
- Like I immediately was like, "Oh no."
- No, just a broken elbow.
- Oh.
- So she'll be okay.
- So whatever I post today,
I should put those emojis
in front of it? - Lot of views
lot of views. Lot of views though.
- Lot of views, yeah.
- That's a good technique.
- She said, "Don't exploit me."
- And yet you do.
- I said, "Babe, I gotta sell tickets."
- What do you want me to do lady?
- I said, lady,
I do you know how much I'm gonna have to pay out of pocket
for this? Pass the copay.
- You're like,
it's either this or I take my shirt off like kry shirt.
I don't know what you want me to do.
- Exactly.
- You pick babe.
Shirt off. Or it's selling your hurt ness.
- Yep. She might say shirt off
- Your new special
- [in unison] Cheeseburger.
- Streaming on Netflix right now.
- I was enjoying hearing about your prostate check.
- Yeah?
You gotta get it done.
- Was that your first one?
- That was my very first one.
- Oh my gosh.
- Because my dad got prostate cancer and it was like,
oh, I guess we
all gotta go now. - Oh, I didn't realize that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I was like, I guess we gotta go now.
But they say 50 was the old number.
- Yeah - Yeah.
- And now it's 40.
- Yeah.
- Cause they can make more money cause they,
they can do it, you go more times.
- That's right. They're gonna be like, "Hey man, you're 17.
You gotta get it checked out".
Join AARP.
- I like seeing you vulnerable like that.
- Yeah.
Well there's, there's, I know you do.
I should show you videos of me just
getting out of the shower.
Sad and wet with my little penis. I'll send you that.
- Thank you.
- That's the most vulnerable a man can be.
Out of the shower. Cold.
Little wet penis in the winter.
- Oh man.
- That shiver. That might be shiver.
- That might be my first dick pic.
- And it's not, but it's, but it's so, it's just di a di a.
Dick. Pic a dick. It's not full.
A dick pic.
- What are you driving today?
- I'm driving that same car
- Still?
- Yeah.
- How long does he give it to you for?
- I'm turning it in today.
- Oh. Have you had the greatest time?
- What do you mean?
- He has, he's, you know, he's a Hollywood guy.
He's got hookups
all around town. - He knows people
Some will let you drive a fancy car for a while.
- No, no, no, no.
I, yeah.
Well my buddy owns a company called Tactical Fleet that's in
Beverly Hills and they have high-end vehicles.
- Yeah.
And he's a good friend and he was like,
congrats on the Netflix special.
Do you wanna have a fun car? Cause I, I'm a big car guy.
And I said, yeah, I'd love to.
And originally I was supposed to have a Rolls Royce Cullinan
the SUV.
- Okay.
- And he's like, drive it for, you know, four or five days.
- Okay.
- And I got there and then one of the guys took it to the
mountains. But because it's all-wheel drive.
- Oh, right.
- So he is like, what do you want?
And I was like, I guess I'll just tank of Ferrari.
- Oh my God. Did you really?
- Yeah
- He came pulling up. I I was like,
are we being, are we un under attack?
- Yeah.
- Oh my God.
- (roaring)
- A Ferrari.
- I'm like, is there a dinosaur outside?
- I was gonna take a Roy, an SUV,
Royal Royals.
- Rolls, rolls Royce.
- And then went to a Ferrari?
- Yeah, it's called,
an upgrade - That's an upgrade.
- It's beautiful.
A one two super fast. An eight A 12
Super fast.
- Did do you drive it fast?
- I do. Yes.
Well, it was raining so I couldn't do much.
But now that it's dry, I've been
(car revving noise)
all the time.
- How fast did you get up?
- Last night? I went 1, 2, 6.
- Whoa. Where on the. - Be careful.
- 1 0 1?
- I went way up north.
I went up the five and
- Oh, you did?
- I got outta the way - Is it a stick.
- No, no.
A lot of the new ones are all paddle shifters. I mean.
- That's, oh, what does that mean?
- So there's behind the steering wheel,
there's two up and d, there's a right in the left paddle.
- Really?
- And that shifts gear's up and down.
Yeah. That's how like all the F1 cars are like that though.
- Oh, I didn't know that.
- The stick is - Manual,
but a new kind of manual.
- It's manual by hand.
- Yeah.
- Because you can't.
- Is that hard to learn, is that hard to navigate?
- No, no, no, no, no - No?
- And it corrects you. If you've gone too far into the red,
it'll correct. It'll learn to correct you.
- So now you want a Ferrari.
- I would never, they're, I mean, look, I,
they're so unbelievably expensive that it's like I could
never justify, even if I had the money,
I'd be like, this is absurd.
- What is that Carlos?
- 400 grand.
- Wow. - Whoa.
- And your friend's like, have fun.
- That is, that's a, that is a good friend.
- That's a great friend.
- He's a really good friend.
But it's, I mean it's like a, such a powerful,
it's so, I just love cars. I love to feel.
It's 800 horses.
It's a 6.5. - Wow.
- V liter. V12.
It's - Okay that's fast.
- It's ridiculous.
It's like four of your regular cars.
- Oh, okay.
- That's how powerful it is.
- Oh my God. - Wow.
- So it just feel, I, I really love the feeling of,
of engineering.
- That's a great joke in your special.
- Yeah. About fast cars.
- Yeah, like, oh, he is a small penis.
He just, he get a big truck as he has a small penis.
No, he just likes trucks.
- He just loves trucks.
- Men are stupid.
We don't have, we don't think about those things.
- Yeah.
- When we get it, like, we just,
little boys are obsessed with crashing, breaking fa bam,
bam boom.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
And then you're monkey brain still thinks that way as a,
you're like, I could, I can have,
- I have money now.
- I get to have. Neil Brennan.
Neil Brennan talked about that the other day.
We were joking about how he was like,
birthday parties shouldn't be for adults because I can buy
cake whenever I want.
- It's like, that's for a kid who can't get sugar.
- Yeah.
- I can go right now and go black out on sugar.
- That's true.
- Nobody can stop me. - Yeah.
- I can buy balloons I can do anything I want.
- But it's funny.
- It's the same idea that like we just,
you just, I just,
we just can have the thing once you're able to get it.
- Yeah. So you're like,
I just want the toy. - Yeah.
- That I never had when I was a kid.
But it is, it is so fun driving it around.
- Yeah. - God.
- I mean you look,
everyone looks at you like you're a loser.
And the moment I step out,
I said to the girl that helped me was she was like, hi.
I was like, this isn't mine.
You have to,
- She's like, wow Cheeseburger was really
successful. - Really paying off.
Yeah, Netflix.
- Wow. - Cash in those cheques.
Yeah Netflix. This, the special
bought me a tire on that car, I think.
So killing it.
If I crash it, I could pay for one tire.
But it, you know, it's,
it's a fun spoiling myself in little ways like that with,
I didn't, I'm lucky to have that relationship.
- God, how loud is it in the sparking garage?
- So, I set off two car alarms.
- You did?
- Yeah.
One of 'em was a Prius I think.
- Ooh.
- Would you ever go electric car?
- I thought about electric.
I think it's cool. You're a Tesla guy, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. I like, I like the idea of it.
I, I will say I've talked enough
about it in a bad way where my
biggest beef is, the most expensive Tesla, The Plat.
- Yeah. - Is like 126,000.
- Yeah.
- It's got the exact same interior as a $38,000 three series
or whatever.
- Almost
- The model three.
- Yeah. Gimme a break. - Yeah.
- I'm not gonna pay you the same amount of money for no
upgrades on the inside.
- Yeah.
- That's insane.
Unless like it's a Ferrari where I bought the engine because
the inside of a Ferrari, they're not that special.
- Right.
- They're kind of simple.
- Right.
- But you paid for an engine.
- Yeah.
- We're there. It's like, what did I get for 126,000?
- You get a cool screen that goes on the side in a little
airplane yolk for instead of a steering wheel.
- Yeah. I just, yeah, no thanks.
I just feel like if I'm gonna over pay.
- Is a lot of money.
- It's a hundred grand. You're like you,
It better be really nice.
- Yeah.
- Like I want the massage seats like
the Mercedes S class has.
- Right.
- I would want that, if I'm paying 125.
- It has autopilot.
- Yeah.
- I don't want a Tesla.
- I don't trust that at all.
- No.
- I use it all the time.
- You do? - You shouldn't.
- Yeah.
- Come on we want you to stick around.
- Yeah these people keep wrecking.
- It's a better driver than I am.
- I don't know. - That might be.
- Right.
- Are you still, oh, you still pay attention, right?
- Yes. So, hands on the wheel.
- Yeah, because - But it just
takes away the stress.
- You put it on and fall asleep.
- Yeah.
- So scary.
- Start checking your messages.
- Isn't there then. - They're in a light.
- Wasn't there just an accident that happened.
- Yeah, but that, but did you hear about that accident?
- What happened?
- A guy in northern California.
- Went off the cliff.
- Side with his family and then it came out that he
did it intentionally.
They all survived.
- Oh my god. - What?
- They all survived.
It landed on,
on its wheels and it's a dangerous area.
And where people have fallen to their death before.
And he took his whole family,
his wife and two kids off the side.
But it landed like right side up.
- Wow.
- And they survived.
And it came out that he did it intentionally.
- What, what ha - In a Tesla?
- What does that conversation look like?
- Dad?
- After that happens?
- Yeah.
- That was close.
- Oh my God.
- That's like, I think it was Seinfeld.
That was an old Seinfeld joke.
I think it was him about suicide where people who attempt
suicide and it
and they - It doesn't happen.
And he's like,
here's just one more thing you're not good at.
- Oh no.
- It's so mean.
- Could you imagine like your wife just being like,
what did you do?
- How did they find out it was intentional?
- I think he must
have crashed. - Confessed up to it.
- Yeah. He must have.
- Dude, you take that one at the grave
- He was probably.
- And no brakes probably. - No brakes, yeah.
No, no sign.
- Like yeah.
Cause usually you tell if they attempted to brake.
- Right. There had to be some sign of it.
- But he could've just made up anything.
He could've been like,
I had a momentary
lapse of consciousness. - Yeah.
- I think he was. - This guy's a idiot.
- I think more than angry at his family.
He was angry at the interior of the Tesla.
- That's what he said.
I paid $126,000. I'm going right off a cliff for this.
- Is it your mom who allowed you to steal candy? Who was?
- Yeah my mother. Yeah mother.
- That was your mom.
- Well my mom was a single mom.
When we'd go to the grocery store, she would,
I I said in the special, we weren't poor,
but she would let us steal.
- Yeah.
- Like we, we didn't have a lot of money.
- Yeah.
- But we were fine.
But she would always let me take stuff.
- I love. - Candy.
- He just said it. He was like an orangutan.
- Yeah. Just stuffing my little, I looked like an orangutan.
I do a little bit now, but I look like more,
a little bit more of an astute orangutan.
But she would let us steal all the time.
Like it was just because it was candy.
And my mom would walk around the grocery store and open
something. We are paying her.
She would be paying for it.
- Right. - But eat it
while she shopped.
- Right.
- And multiple times people kind of look at you like
you just like eating out of that.
Like she'd we'd, if I got cereal,
she would open it and we'd be eating cereal together,
out the box.
- How many siblings do you have I forget?
- I have a little, one little sister.
- Okay.
- And then my dad has kids, but I don't really see them.
- Gotcha.
- He's got, he's got some, he's got others.
- Others.
- But my little sister is much younger than me.
So it's, it was, it's weird.
The gap that we had.
- Yeah.
- I was already like,
we didn't really have that growing up together thing.
- Right. So you were kind of an only child ish.
- To a degree. Yeah.
But I mean, it was just tough because I, I like,
I remember holding her as a baby and giving her a,
she had a, a breathing,
she had to put her on breathing machines when she was a
baby.
And like that's my memory of growing up with her,
that she was always a little baby to me.
- Yeah. - Right.
So now that she's in her thirties, it's like.
- Yeah.
- It's still weird. It's my ba, it's my little baby sister.
- Yeah. Aw.
- It's so hard to see her as an adult.
Which is tough cause she's a grown woman. But you're like,
you're my little baby.
- Do you put the breathing machine on her just for old time
sake? - She hates it.
- She does.
- She'll swat it away. She has a CPAP machine now,
so it's kind of 50. It worked out the same.
- She's still lugging equipment through the airport.
- Yeah, that's right.
What is that sir? It's a sleep,
it's a device so I can physically go to bed without dying.
Everyone does dry January.
- Yeah.
- And mine is soaking wet.
- Yeah.
- Mine too.
- It's been raining at my house.
- Yeah.
- I just never stopped.
- But also it's literally been raining.
And that makes you wanna be at home and drink.
- Who's not gonna drink in the rain?
What are you doing in the rain?
Coffee in the morning.
We talked about this coffee with rain.
- Love it.
- Couple cups of coffee.
- Some couple cigarettes.
- No. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Not that part.
- And then at night, once the sun goes to bed.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- And it's wine time.
- Yeah. - Yes.
- What do you want me to do? I know it's raining, it's wet.
I can't go out.
- Either wine or. - Canceling my spa's.
- Yeah.
You do wine or what?
- Or an old fashion.
- I like an, I like an old fashion.
- Just like once a once or twice a week.
- But you can't have more than one in one sitting.
- No, no, no.
- That's the, that's the thing.
- I don't do more than one.
- What about wine? You'll have more than one glass.
- Yeah. Yeah.
We've done,
we've drank a bottle of wine the last two nights.
- A bottle or what else? A little bit more.
- No, we just split a bottle
each. - You do one.
You can't crack a new one.
- We. We didn't.
- Crack new one. - Have you done it though?
Have you done that where you finished one crack a new one
with somebody?
- Yeah.
- I feel guilty about the second one.
- Yeah.
So you, you have to finish it.
- You gotta finish it.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Whatcha you gonna do? Let it go bad?
Like some, like some weirdo, no.
- I got like, I got with that thing with the,
with like the handle with the wire and it goes into the cork
so you can pour just the glass.
- So nice.
- And I was telling my my buddy about it. I'm like,
it's great. And you just,
you could just get one glass and then, you know, if,
if you have another glass,
like it doesn't do anything to the bottle cause it's corked.
It's, it remains corked.
- Yeah.
- He goes, what's wrong with you?
What are you sissy? Drink the whole thing.
Drink a bottle of wine. What are you doing?
Saving yourself one glass.
- You're like, I, I'll I'll hide my alcoholism my way.
I don't need you to bully me under your way.
- Right exactly.
- I know how to do it my way.
Oh, this is empty.
That feels better than, oh, we finished.
Let's get it.
It's nice to feel like you're not really doing it.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Well I'm going to New York for quite a while.
We're going to move in May a little bit.
We're we're just gonna spend a bunch of time over there.
- Okay.
- But in the meantime,
me and Bobby are doing a bad friends tour.
- That's fun.
- We do March, April and a little bit of May.
- Yeah.
People love you two together.
- This sounds like it's a complete lack of humility,
but it's by far the funniest thing we've ever done,
- Yeah - is be together.
I've never been funnier than when I am with that guy.
And I think our chemistry is absurd.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- I feel like I,
we hum on the same frequency sometimes where
we'll finish the show and I'll be like, God,
this isn't, it's just,
and because when we met years ago, we,
we are literal polar opposites and we did a couple of things
together on the internet and they caught fire like years
ago. - Yeah.
- And people were like,
why wouldn't you guys do something together?
And not to get super serious,
but when his dad died and he relapsed,
we were gonna,
we were planning on doing the show and that kind of
everything went to shit.
And then he came to me after he came back from rehab and was
like,
I think I'm ready to like change and start something new.
- Yeah.
- That's kind of where the show was burst a little bit.
- Yeah. - Wow.
- We were gonna throw it away because when his dad died it
just, it did, it was really bad.
- Yeah.
- And then when he relapsed again it was like,
it was tough.
- Yeah.
- It was tough. So,
so it almost didn't happen because you know that those
occurrences.
But I think it was what he needed to like move forward and
like wanted to start a new thing cause he had been doing his
show for years and was like, I wanna do a new thing again.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
And feel some different comedy again. So it's fun.
I I love doing that show.
I wish I could do it till I die.
- Yeah, that's great.
If we could do it till we die. I wish.
Just like you guys in this show, you've said that to me.
You guys wanna do this till you die.
- It's little. We are dead in the ground.
- You brought us to the end of the show.
- Yeah you did.
- I I can I do that sometimes?
- Yeah.
- We we're sending you off to Paris.
- I know you hate social media,
But will you send us pictures?
- I will. I'll send you picture.
I will absolutely.
Because I'm.
- Send nudes.
(laughing)
- Do you want it?
- Yeah.
- You're gonna get it.
(laughing)
- You, you keep this
attitude up. - You want it, you're gonna
get it.
(laughing)
(upbeat outro music)