>> Greg: AS USUAL WE’RE SHORT
ON TIME, HERE IS THE STORY IN
FIVE WORDS, MONKEYS MADE US INTO
DRUNKS.
KAT, IT’S TRUE.
APPARENTLY CHIMPANZEES LIKE
FRUIT THAT BECOME RIPE ENOUGH
FOR SUGAR TO BE FERMENTED INTO
ALCOHOL AND WE’VE EVOLVED FROM
THIS.
THIS IS WHY WE DRINK A LOT.
>> I’M NOT A SCIENTIST BUT I’M
NOT BUYING IT.
>> Greg: WHY?
>> I DON’T THINK THE CHIMPS ARE
DRUNK.
THAT’S LOW ALCOHOL CONTENT AND
THEY’RE ALSO EATING FOOD.
HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A BUNCH OF
HOTDOGS AND GOT DRUNK OFF BUD
LIGHT?
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
>> Greg: HAVE YOU EVER EATEN
CHOCOLATE SPILLED WITH LIQUOR?
>> YOU CAN’T GET DRUNK THAT WAY.
THAT’S LIQUOR.
THAT’S HIGHER ALCOHOL CONTENT.
IT’S BASICALLY LIKE WHITECLAW
AND A BUNCH OF FOOD.
YOU’RE GOING TO GET BLOATED AND
GO TO BED.
>> SERIOUS HERE, GUTFELD.
>> Greg: DEVITO, THIS ASSUMES
EVOLUTION WHICH IS A LOT TO
ASSUME.
IT’S JUST A THEORY!
>> IT’S JUST A THEORY!
>> IT’S JUST A THEORY LIKE
GRAVITY.
WHO IS GOING TO PROVE THAT?
YEAH, THESE MONKEYS, I SAY LET
THEM GET DRUNK, BECAUSE THEY
HAVE TO REPRODUCE WHICH IN THEIR
CASE INVOLVES HAVING SEX WITH A
MONKEY, SO, YOU KNOW, I THINK
YOU WANT TO --
>> THAT IS TRUE, TOO.
>> Greg: DO YOU THINK THAT --
THAT -- THAT COULD HAVE BEEN THE
REASON WHY THEY INVENTED BOOZE.
HOW CAN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A
MONKEY?
>> THEY RUN UP TO THE CHIMP
RIGHT AFTER.
>> Greg: THAT IS TRUE!
DO NOT LAY DOWN WITH A MONKEY.
THAT’S IN LEVITICUS, I THINK.
>> I KNOW IT’S AGAINST IT.
>> LEVITICUS SAYS A LOT OF
THINGS.
>> Greg: I DON’T THINK THERE’S
A LOT OF STUFF THE BIBLE IS FOR.
>> ON THE ARK IT CLEARLY SAID NO
DIDDLING AMONGST THEMSELVES.
>> Greg: THEY CALL THIS THE
DRUNKEN MONKEY HYPOTHESIS.
DOES THIS MAKE SENSE TO YOU?
>> IT’S TRUE, MONKEYS DO THAT.
UNLIKE US, THEY EAT ENOUGH TO
HAVE A GOOD TIME.
THEY’RE NOT STUPID.
IF YOU GET TOO TRASHED IN THE
JUNGLE, SOMETHING COULD EAT YOU.
IT’S GOOD MEDICINE AND STUFF.
IT KILLS BACTERIA AND STUFF.
THE MONKEYS ARE SMART.
THEY GO OUT THERE AND EAT THE
FERMENTED FRUIT BECAUSE IT
PROTECTS THEM FROM OTHER
DISEASES AND STUFF.
IT’S NOT UNCOMMON.
THEY CULTIVATE IT AND FIGHT OVER
IT.
IT’S LIKE THEIR TREE, THEIR KEG.
IT’S VERY, VERY KEEP -- VERY, VE
DEEP.
SMART.
>> Greg: YOU MADE ME THINK THE
WHOLE REASON WE CREATED TOOLS IS
BECAUSE WE LIKE TO DRINK, RIGHT?
SO WE GET DRUNK AND GO HOW DO WE
DEFEND OURSELVES WHEN WE’RE
WASTED?
WE STARTED MAKING TOOLS, BUT
CHIMPS -- CHIMPS INSTEAD, THEY
JUST -- THEY DECIDED, OH, I’LL
KICK BACK.
>> THEY’LL JUST GUARD THE TREE.
>> Greg: THEY’LL JUST GUARD
THE TREE.
WE WERE LIKE, HEY, WAH!
LET’S MAKE A SPEAR!
WE COULD DRINK MORE IF WE HAVE A
SPEAR!
>> ALCOHOLISM BROUGHT US TO THE
21ST CENTURY.
>> Greg: MOLLIE, DOES THIS
HAPPEN A LOT ON SPECIAL REPORT
WHERE YOU CAN SEE BRET BAIER
HAVE AN EPIPHANY ABOUT MONKEYS,
SPEARS AND DRINKING?
>> THIS IS AN EXCELLENT THEORY
BUT I JUST WANT TO SAY THESE
MONKEYS ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED,
AND I THINK WE NEED TO BE MUCH
MORE ON GUARD.
OCCASIONALLY YOU GET STORIES OUT
OF THE WORLD AND THERE’S SOME
KIND OF CON TO BEIUM THAT IS --
CONSORTIUM THAT IS PLOTTING TO
TAKE OVER.
>> Greg: THEY’RE WAITING FOR
THE RIGHT TIME TO RISE UP.
I SAW THE MOVIE.
REMEMBER, JOE, WHAT HAPPENED IN
THE MOVIE?
>> YES, YOU’RE REFERRING TO "ANY
WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE?"
>> Greg: YES!
>> THESE ARE MONKEYS.
THESE ARE NOT THE KIND OF CHIMPS
WHO RIP YOUR FACE OFF.
NO, THESE ARE PLAIN, OLD
MONKEYS.
THESE SPIDER MONKEYS DON’T HAVE
A POSEABLE THUMB.
LET THEM DRINK THEM WON’T BE
ABLE TO LIGHT A BONG.
>> THEY DO.
THEY DON’T RIP YOUR FACE OFF.
THEY RIP YOUR JUNK OFF.
THEY’RE GREAT PICK POCKETS.
ROBBERS.
ALL OF THEIR DIGITS WORK.
THEY GIVE MASSAGES FOR MONEY IN
THE STREETS OF INDIA SOMETIMES.
YEAH, THEY’RE CLEVER.
>> WHO PAYS FOR THAT?
>> Greg: I DO.
>> DON’T BE SO QUICK TO JUDGE,
MAN.
>> Greg: THAT WAS ONE OF THE
BEST VACATIONS I EVER HAD.
MONKEY ISLAND.
>> HE’S GOT AN INSTAGRAM PAGE
WITH THE MONKEYS.
>> Greg: I HAD IT ALL ON A
DISPOSABLE CAMERA.
>> I HAD A DRUNK ORANGE BEFORE I
GOT ON THE SHOW TODAY.