WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FIRST OF ALL, HAPPY MONDAY, EVERYBODY.
THIS FEELS MORE LIKE A FRIDAY CROWD THAN A MONDAY CROWD.
>> Jon: I KNOW!
GOT THE FRIDAY ON THE MONDAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OH, DONALD TRUMP,
YOU KNOW THAT GUY?
THE DONALD TRUMP GUY?
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) >> Stephen: YEAH, HE'S GETTING
FAMOUS.
THEY'RE CHANTING, DONALD!
DONALD TRUMP CONTINUES TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON HIS PROMISE TO DRAIN
THE SWAMP BECAUSE IT WAS ANNOUNCED ON FRIDAY THE WHITE
HOUSE HAS FIRED ITS CHIEF USHER.
IT TOOK A WHILE FOR HER TO LEAVE THE BUILDING BECAUSE THERE WAS
NO ONE AVAILABLE TO SHOW HER THE DOOR.
POOR PLANNING.
THE CHIEF USHER HAS A RANGE OF RESPONSIBILITIES INCLUDING
GUIDANCE ON FURNISHINGS AND DECOR.
IN TRUMP'S CASE SAYING, HEY, WHAT IF WE TRY NOT GOLD?
( LAUGHTER ) THE FIRING OF THE FIRST FEMALE
CHIEF USHER, AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN NAMED ANGELA REED IS
CONTROVERSIAL BECAUSE IT'S NOT A POLITICAL POSITION.
REED IS JUST THE NINTH CHIEF USHER SINCE 1885.
YEAH, BACK THEN THE USHER WAS IN CHARGE OF STATE DINNERS AND
HEDGE TRIMMING CHESTER A.
ARTHUR.
( LAUGHTER ) USHERS USUALLY STAY ON AFTER THE
PRESIDENT LEAVES, WHICH MIGHT BE THE PROBLEM, BECAUSE REED WAS
APPOINTED BY THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION, AND HISTORIAN
DOUGLAS BRINKLEY SPECULATED THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION SEEMS
WORRIED ABOUT OBAMA'S SPIES!
EVEN I THINK THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
I'VE SEEN PICTURES OF THIS WOMAN AND SHE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE AN
OBAMA SPY.
CAN WE PUT HER UP?
( LAUGHTER ) SHE'S LOVELY!
LOOK, THERE HAS TO BE ANOTHER REASON.
WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE UNUSUAL FIRING, SARAH SANDERS SAID
SOMETHING.
>> BUT WE LEFT ON VERY GOOD TERMS AND WISH HER THE VERY BEST
AND CERTAINLY HOPE FOR GREAT THINGS FOR HER IN THE FUTURE.
I BELIEVE THAT THE DEPUTY USHER WILL BE SERVING AS THE ACTING
USHER FOR RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: TRANSLATION, WE GAVE THE JOB TO JARED KUSHNER.
( LAUGHTER ) WHILEROOMS ARE DISMANTLING
ObamaCare, DEMOCRATS ARE FIGHTING BACK -- THE ONLY WAY
THEY KNOW HOW, THROUGH THE POWER OF VISUAL ARTS, BECAUSE
DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE FOR VIRGINIA GOVERNOR AND MAN WHO 20
YEARS LATER JUST REALIZED WHO KAISER SOSE WAS RELEASED THE
FOLLOWING AD RIGHT AFTER THE HOUSE VOTED ON HEALTHCARE.
>> REPUBLICAN LEADERS ARE TRYING TO DO THIS TO AFFORDABLE
HEALTHCARE.
I'M TOM PERIELLO, AND I VOTED FOR ObamaCare.
WE CAN MAKE ABECONOMY THAT WORKS FOR EVERYONE AND MAKE SURE THIS
NEVER HAPPENS IN VIRGINIA.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT TO DO THAT IN ONE TAKE.
AS AN ACTOR, I'M SAYING UP TO DO THAT IN ONE TAKE OR HAVE A LOT
OF AMBULANCES STANDING BY.
( LAUGHTER ) SEEMS LIKE A WASTE OF A
PERFECTLY GOOD AMBULANCE UNTIL YOU REALIZE WITHOUT HEALTHCARE
WE WON'T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
BUT THIS COULD BACKFIRE FOR PARIELLO BECAUSE THE REAL STAR
OF THE AD IS CLEARLY THE MODEL 10 CRUSHER.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, IT'S AN UP AND COMER.
IT'S HUGE, IT'S LOUD, IT DESTROYS EVERYTHING IN ITS WAY.
IT COULD BE OUR NEXT PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, AS A I'M SURE --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M TELLING YOU.
>> YEAH!
THIS IS COMING UP.
>> Stephen: LOT OF MODEL 10 CRUSHER FANS HERE TONIGHT.
WE'RE STILL LEARNING DETAILS ABOUT THE BUDGET CONGRESS PASSED
THIS WEEK.
THE PRESS HAD A LOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT IT.
THE WHITE HOUSE SENT OUT BUDGET DIRECTOR AND BABY BORN IN A SUIT
MICK MULVANEYY.
MULVANEY HELD A CONFERENCE CALL TO DISCUSS WITH REPORTERS WHICH
WENT OFF THE RAIL WHEN ANSWERING ABOUT ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S
TWEETS, HAD AN UNEXPECTED SOUND TRACK.
>> I THINK WE MIGHT NEED TO SHUT DOWN TO DRIVE TO THIS PLACE THAT
WASHINGTON NEEDS TO BE FIXED -- MUSIC -- FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO
PUT US ON HOLD, PLEASE MUTE YOUR PHONES.
I ENJOY THE CLASSICAL MUSIC.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
IS THERE A WAY TO -- OH, OH -- LET'S TRY -- WHO WOULD LIKE TO
ASK SOME QUESTIONS IN THIS IS GOING TO BE A DISASTER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YES!
THIS IS GOING TO BE A DISASTER.
THOUGH I HAVE TO WARN YOU, THE QUALITY OF THIS AUDIO ISN'T
GREAT, SO IN SOME SECTIONS, WE HAD TO MAKE EDUCATED GUESSES AS
TO WHAT WAS GOING ON.
>> I JUST WANTED TO ASK, YOU MENTIONED THE DEMOCRATS DIDN'T
GET RENEWABLE ENERGY SUBSIDIES.
WHICH SUBSIDIES ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE?
>> THEY COULD ASK FOR NEW SUBSIDIES --
( CALL BREAKING UP ) >> HELLO, HELLO?
( CALL BREAKING UP ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> YOU'RE BREAKING UP.
HELLO.
>> Stephen: MULVANEY!
MULVANEY EITHER HAS A BAD CONNECTION OR HAS BEGUN SPEAKING
IN TONGUES.
( LAUGHTER ) REPORTERS ARE USED TO GETTING NO
CLEAR ANSWERS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, SO THEY PUSHED ON.
>> IS ANYONE STILL THERE?
AUDIO IS BREAKING UP.
( MUSIC ) >> LOST CONTROL OF THE WHITE
HOUSE.
>> Stephen: THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!
ANYONE WHO WORKS AT AN OFFICE CAN TELL YOU IT'S ONE OF THE
MOST SUCCESSFUL CONFERENCE CALLS OF ALL TIME.
HELLO?
( APPLAUSE ) THINGS GOT MORE AND MORE
CHAOTIC, CULMINATING IN THE BIG FINISH, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT
MEANS, TIME FOR A SAXOPHONE SOLO.
HIT IT!
( SAXOPHONE MUSIC ) >> HELLO?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT WAS ALL SUMMED
UP IN TODAY'S "NEW YORK TIMES," "MULVANEY BLEEP BLOOP BUDGET
SMOOTH JAZZ."
MM-HMM.
IT'S FAKE NEWS.
FAKE NEWS.
THIS IS LITERALLY FAKE NEWS.
WE MADE IT UP.
( APPLAUSE ) IN LEGAL NEWS, THE EAGLES -- YOU
KNOW THE BAND THE EAGLES?
THE EAGLES, INCLUDING LEADER DON HEADILY, ARE SUING A MEXICAN HO
THE TELL CALLED HOTEL CALIFORNIA IN FEDERAL COURT SAYING THE
HOTEL HAS BEEN USING THE NAME SUGGESTING A CONNECTION WITH THE
BAND FOR FINANCIAL GAIN.
FOR YOU YOUNGSTERS OUT THERE, HOTEL CALIFORNIA WAS ONE OF THE
EAGLES' BEST-SELLING ABOUT MS. LOOK FOR IT IN THE TAPE DECK OF
YOUR DAD'S CAMARO.
♪ ON A DARK DESERT HIGHWAY ♪ AND THIS LAWSUIT AGAINST THE
HOTEL CALIFORNIA IS BAD FOR OTHER BUSINESSES TRYING TO
PROFIT OFF THE EAGLES LIKE THE LANDSCAPING SERVICE RAKE IT TO
THE LIMIT, THE WEDDING FORMAL WEAR DROP, DRESS PARADO, AND
PERHAPS THE MOST FLAGRANT THE LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL SUPPLY
STORE THE EAGLES HITS VOLUME TWO.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT EVER
SINCE THE HOUSE PASSED THE NEW HEALTHCARE BILL LAST WEEK, I'VE
BEEN TRYING TO DECIDE: SHOULD I MOVE TO CANADA, OR JUST STAY
DRUNK?
( APPLAUSE ) WELL, NOW IT TURNS OUT THAT THE
BEST ANSWER MIGHT BE BOTH.
BECAUSE THE CANADIAN FOOD INSPECTION AGENCY RECENTLY
ANNOUNCED THAT GIN IS BEING RECALLED FOR HAVING TOO MUCH
ALCOHOL.
"TOO MUCH" ALCOHOL?
WELL, YOU WOULDN'T WANT THAT.
I'M BUYING IT FOR THE HYDRATION.
THE RECALL WAS ANNOUNCED BECAUSE BOTTLES OF "BOMBAY SAPPHIRE
GIN... WERE FOUND TO CONTAIN 77% ALCOHOL BY VOLUME RATHER THAN
THE TYPICAL 40%."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CALM DOWN.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S HOW YOU CAN TELL-- NORMAL
GIN TASTES LIKE JUNIPER WITH HINTS OF LEMON AND CORIANDER.
77% ALCOHOL GIN TASTES LIKE REGRET, WITH HINTS OF FIGHTING A
PARKING METER.
( LAUGHTER ) THE COMPANY REALIZED THE MISTAKE
AFTER THEY RECEIVED "AN ISOLATED CONSUMER COMPLAINT."
( LAUGHTER ) WHO COMPLAINED?!
"SORRY, I'M CALLIN' ABOOT THIS GIN.
IT HAS TOO MUCH OF THE THING I BOUGHT IT FOR, EH."
YOU WANT IT BACK?
I'M SORRY.
I'LL SPIT IT BACK IN IF YOU WANT.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, ACCORDING TO A BOMBAY
SPOKESPERSON, THE COMPLAINT WAS REPORTED BY "A REGULAR
CONNOISSEUR OF BOMBAY SAPPHIRE GIN WHO REALIZED THAT THE TASTE
PROFILE WAS OFF."
BY THE WAY, I BELIEVE "REGULAR CONNOISSEUR OF BOMBAY SAPPHIRE
GIN" IS CANADIAN FOR, "AUNT GOING THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH."
( LAUGHTER ) EVER SINCE HENRY LEFT.
LUCKILY, THIS ISN'T TOO MUCH OF A PROBLEM FOR THE GIN BECAUSE
THERE WERE NO REPORTS OF ANYONE BECOMING SICK.
HOWEVER, THERE WERE SEVERAL REPORTS OF PARTIES BECOMING
"SICK!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )