( APPLAUSE )
EVERYBODY!
JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
THERE YOU GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND I HOPE YOU DO, YOU KNOW THAT I, STEPHEN COLBERT, HAVE A FEW
CORE BELIEVES.
AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT I BELIEVE IS THAT THERE IS NO SUCH
THING AS SEX PARTIES.
I WAS A YOUNG MAN, A YOUNG TEENAGER, I HEARD STORIES AND
RUMORS IN THE ADULT SEX WORLD THAT THERE WERE SEX PARTIES AND
ORGIES AND FLESH PITS.
THEN I GREW UP AND I FOUND OUT THERE'S NONE OF THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
DON'T BUY THAT SEX PARTIES ARE ACTUALLY A THING.
I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS, SUPPOSEDLY THE HEIGHT OF DECADENCE, AND
I'VE NEVER ONCE BEEN ASKED TO A SEX PARTY.
( LAUGHTER )
BRAVE STANCE, I HAVE BEEN INVITED TO MULTIPLE SEX PARTIES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ ONE OF THEM WAS HOSTED BY A
GROUP OF FOLKS CALLED "SNCTM."
EVIDENTLY, IT'S ONE OF THOSE PARTIES WHERE YOU BRING YOUR OWN
VOWELS.
( LAUGHTER )
"A."
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, I WASN'T GOING TO ACCEPT THE OFFER.
I'M A HAPPILY MARRIED MAN WHO WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT SEX PARTIES.
BUT IT GOT ME THINKING: COULD I BE WRONG HERE?
HAVE THESE SEX PARTIES BEEN REAL ALL ALONG?
IT WAS ALL SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND.
WELL, THANKFULLY, WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE AN EXPERT
IN NOT UNDERSTANDING THINGS.
HER NAME IS BOOTSIE PLUNKETT.
AND SHE'S THE MOTHER OF MY FIELD PRODUCER JAKE PLUNKETT, AND SHE
IS ALSO "THE LATE SHOW'S" OFFICIAL "UNINFORMED
CORRESPONDENT."
IN THE PAST, BOOTSIE HAS USED HER UNIQUE INFORMATION-LIGHT
PERSPECTIVE TO HELP US UNDERSTAND DIFFICULT ISSUES,
EVEN SITTING DOWN TO TALK ABOUT TRADE TARIFFS WITH NOBEL
PRIZE-WINNING ECONOMIST PAUL KRUGMAN.
SO, IT OCCURRED TO ME: I SHOULD SEND BOOTSIE TO INVESTIGATE
WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON AT "SNCTM."
OF COURSE, JAKE KNEW HIS MOM WOULD NEVER AGREE TO GO TO A SEX
PARTY, SO HE DID THE RIGHT THING: HE LIED TO HER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HE IS A TERRIBLE SON, BUT A GREAT PRODUCER.
JAKE TOLD BOOTSIE SHE WAS MEETING PAUL KRUGMAN ON A FERRIS
WHEEL TO TALK ABOUT THE DEBT CEILING.
AND THEN, INSTEAD, HE BROUGHT HER TO THE SEX PARTY.
JIM?
>> SO, YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE YOU HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF A
DINNER WITH-- >> PAUL KRUGMAN.
THE...
HE'S A... ECONOMICKIST-- WHAT IS HE AGAIN?
>> ECONOMIST.
>> WORLD RONOWNED-- >> RENOWN.
>> ECONOMIST.
>> AND WHAT ARE YOU TALKING TO HIM ABOUT.
>> DEBT CEILING.
>> DO YOU WANT TO TELL THEM HOW MUCH YOU HAVE TALKED TO ME ABOUT
PAUL KRUGMAN SINCE YOU HAVE DINNER WITH HIM?
>> I SAILED OUT OF ALL THE THINGS I HAVE DONE, I LIKED PAUL
THE BEST.
HE'S VERY CUTE AND QUIRKY.
>> YOU HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF A CRUSH ON PAUL KRUGMAN.
>> OH, COME ON!
NOOSE YOUR WORDS.
>> YOU TALK ABOUT HIM CONSTANTLY.
>> I DO NOT!
>> YES, YOU DO.
>> NO, I DON'T.
>> YYOU YOU DO.
>> NO, I DON'T.
>> EVERY TIME I SEE OW YOUR IPAD--
>> YOU ARE SO FULL OF ( BLEEP ).
>> EVERY TIMEY SEE YOU ON YOUR iPAD AND YOU'RE WATCHING ONE OF
YOUR PIECES -- >> I NEVER WATCH A PIECE!
YOU'RE MAKING ME SOUND LIKE A NORSAQUIST.
>> FOR MY MOMENT MITT ROMNEY AND I WAS IT WAS THE MOMENT OF TRUTH
AS WE HEADED INTO THE SEX PARTY 91 AS SNCTM.
>> HELLO AND WELCOME MAY I OFFER YOU SOME CHAMPAGNE?
>> OH, MY GOD.
SHE DOESN'T HAVE A SHIRT ON.
>> JUST A QUICK NOTE, IF YOU SEE ANYONE OR ANYTHING YOU LIKE,
PLEASE ASK.
CONSENSUS IS KEY FOR TOUCHING.
>> ASK WHAT?
>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN US DOWN IN THE V.I.P.?
>> I GUESS.
( LAUGHTER )
JAKE!
WHAT THE-- >> SO, BOOTSIE.
>> WHAT?
>> PAUL'S NOT HERE.
YOU'RE ACTUALLY AT A SEX PARTY.
JUST GO WITH IT.
>> I OWED MY MOM SOME ANSWERS SO IT WAS TIME TO COME CLEAN
>> YOU'RE NOT GOING ON A FERRIS WHEEL.
>> OKAY.
>> THERE'S NO PAUL.
>> THAT'S ( BLEEP ) SAD.
>> THE STORY IS STEPHEN HAS BEEN DENYING THE EXISTENCE OF SEX
PARTIES IN HIS MONOLOGUES, AND SO, THERE HAVE BEEN SOME INVATES
TO SEX PARTIES, AND THE THOUGHT WAS THAT MAYBE YOU WOULD BE A
GOOD CORRESPONDENT TO GO OUT AND SEE IF THEY EXIST.
>> OH, THEY EXIST.
UNLESS THIS IS A TRICK.
>> SO HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> I'M SHOCKED.
I MEAN, I'M HANDLING IT OKAY.
BUT I'M NOT DRESSING UP OR NOTHING.
( LAUGHTER )
TO SEE UP THERE.
>> WHAT, SHOULD I ASK THESE PEOPLE?
THEY DON'T SEEM LIKE THEY GIVE A ( BLEEP ) ABOUT THE DEBT
CEILING.
>> NOW THAT MY MOM HAD HER REAL ASSIGNMENT, SHE SET OUT TO
DISCOVER IT IF SNCTM WAS A REAL SEX PARTY.
>> OH, HI!
( LAUGHING ) >> YOU CAN ASK HIM?
>> OH, MY GOD!
DO YOU HAVE THESE SEX PARTIES ALL THE TIME?
>> YES, WE DO.
WE HAVE THEM VERY FREQUENTLY.
>> THIS ISN'T, LIKE, A JOKE?
>> NO, ALL THE TIME.
>> DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE SEX?
>> UH, YES, YES, WE DO.
.WOULD YOU LIKE A MASK?
>> OH, NO.
SHOULD I WEAR A MASK.
>> IF YOU'D LIKE, WE HAVE A WHOLE BUNCH TO CHOOSE FROM.
>> OH, MY GOD!
( LAUGHTER )
BEAUTIFUL.
>> OH, DEAR GOD, I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK.
( LAUGHTER )
DOES ANYBODY KNOW?
>> NOT THAT I WAS NOTIFIED.
SO...
>> NO, HUH?
>> YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BRING THE INVITE THIS TIME.
YOU'RE LIKE, I GOT AN IN.
COME ON, WE'RE GOING.
>> WHERE ARE WE GOING, SCROTUMS, RIGHT?
WAIT.
SORRY.
( LAUGHTER )
>> SNCTM.
>> OH, MY GOD!
I GET EVERYTHING WRONG.
I'M SORRY.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE DEBT CEILING?
( LAUGHTER )
>> YEAH, THE DEBT CEILING.
THEY'RE VOTING ON IT.
SOHIRE IT.
I GUESS YOU DON'T KNOW STUFF, EITHER.
SO THIS IS THE ROOM WHERE YOU GO UP AT NIGHT AFTER EVERYTHING
GETS HOT AND HEAVY?
>> YEAH, ALL THE ROOMS, WHENEVER YOU LIKE ONE DURING THE EVENT.
( LAUGHTER )
I'VE LEARNED A LOT.
HUH?
>DO YOU ENJOY THIS, COMING HERE?
OBVIOUSLY, RIGHT.
>> DEFINITELY.
>> YEAH.
SO THIS IS THE, UM...
>> THIS IS MORE OF OUR DOM ROOM.
>> THE DOM ROOM.
>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE HER A LITTLE TICKLE?
>> OH, NO, NO.
YOU WANT A TICKLE WITH THE PICKLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> IS IT NOW GOING TO BE THE CASE THAT WHENEVER YOU HEAR THE
NAME "PAUL KRUGMAN" YOU THINK OF THIS?
>> YES!
YES!
I WISH I COULD TALK TO PAUL.
YOU COULD HAVE NEVER SHOCKED ME MORE THAN YOU DID TONIGHT.
HI, THIS IS BOOTSIE.
I'M HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW," WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND GUESS WHAT, STEPHEN?
THIS IS REAL.
BALLSY FOUND OUT TONIGHT FIRSTHAND THIS IS REAL.
>> THIS IS REAL.
>> SO THAT WAS BAD BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T NAME WHAT'S REAL AND
WHERE YOU ARE?
>> I'M AT THE SCROTUMS!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BOOTSIE.
THANK YOU, JAKE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JEFF GOLDBLUM.