She thought I would be good at oral because I was in a wheelchair.
My ex was regularly asked by people if he was my carer.
You can be just as sexy and just as attractive as somebody else.
Have you got a hoist in your bathroom?
Use it as a sex swing.
Yeah, disabled people can have sex as well.
Disabled people do and can have sex,
but for lots of people in 2020
this is still a mind-blowing concept.
I remember asking about sex growing up
and the only answers I ever really got
were: "I don't know." Or: "I'm sure you'll work it out."
So I wanted to see if other disabled people had similar experiences to me.
Hi, my name is Aaron Simmonds and I am a stand-up comedian.
I have cerebral palsy,
the sexiest of all the disabilities.
It is a scarring in the brain tissue.
I'm able to walk for about five, 10 minutes,
I can stand up for about 20 minutes,
but I would generally use a wheelchair
because it's a lot more comfortable for me.
So usually when I first meet someone I'll be very independent
and I'll carry my wheelchair up the stairs
and all that kind of stuff.
And it's the same that's true of sex, like
and then it's only when I get into a sort of
more long-term thing where I'm like:
"Oh, she knows I'm capable."
"I don't need to do anything more."
My name is Fiona Allen.
I have something called
and it causes my joints to dislocate over 100 times a day,
so standing up is pretty challenging.
Ehlers-Danlos makes me hypermobile
and I've had taxi drivers, when I've explained
what Ehlers-Danlos is, say stuff like:
And I can't see them doing that to someone able-bodied.
And when you started using a wheelchair,
did you feel like perceptions towards you
as a sexual being changed?
Completely.
Like just major things like going to A&E in a wheelchair,
they suddenly stopped bothering doing pregnancy tests
because I was in a wheelchair.
It didn't matter that they should be doing them
for everyone of childbearing age,
I just didn't count anymore.
From my own experiences,
I know this is a common feeling.
So I wanted to talk to Emily Yates,
who's an expert in sex and disability,
to see how things can improve.
I'm a manual wheelchair user with cerebral palsy
and I work within the field of disability and sex.
I think disabled people are still seen as unattractive, childlike
and it's almost seen as wrong, or even criminal,
to be attracted to somebody who's disabled.
So how do you think we can change that?
I think really it's all around education and awareness.
I think it's massively, massively important that
we introduce inclusive sex education in schools,
and that's not just so people can understand
that disabled people are sexual beings too,
but it's so that disabled people can understand the capabilities of their own bodies.
I can't help thinking that if sex education had been in any way inclusive,
I would have saved myself a lot of insecurity
and alienation later down the line.
Even really basic things
like the textbooks having people in wheelchairs,
or the textbooks having people on crutches
or with prosthetics, or just something
and something as simple as that,
being in a textbook, would make all the difference.
This happens for quite a few different reasons
that can actually be mitigated through good education and awareness.
So first of all, of course as deaf and disabled women,
we are more vulnerable than a non-disabled woman.
That's a fact. That's not going to change overnight.
You've got deaf and disabled women who are either seen as
So without those tools up your sleeve,
and without that knowledge that you so desperately need to have
you can either be shunned by society
by seen as somebody who's not capable of having sex,
doesn't want to have it,
or you're shunned by society as being somebody
who's too keen to have sex,
because they're fetishised by it.
I've got a catheter, so I'm in a catheter support group
and we regularly have guys in it lie about having catheters
in order to read about girls with them
to get off, essentially.
So there's always this element of trying to make sure someone likes you,
rather than someone likes the devices that you happen to have.
Actually to preserve ourselves,
and to be able to give consent
that relates around our own access needs and requirements,
we need that information and that education and that's a fact.
We are just like everybody else,
we have the same desires and it is possible.
It might be slightly trickier, it might need slightly more effort,
but it's not an impossibility.
I'm quite forthright in saying:
"Oh no, I can't do that."
There's been very little where I've gone:
"Oh I really wish I could do that,"
but it hasn't really come up.
A lot of sex is communication and if you're
paying attention to each other then
both of you are going to have a better time.
It is a bit weird that people assume that
I would only go out with disabled people.
Like I have enough trouble attracting women,
like if I was to rule out all able-bodied women,
my chances of getting laid are so slim.
Quite often we think about the positions that we can't do
and the pain that that's going to cause and
how awkward this conversation is going to be
when actually, you know what?
You can be just as sexy and just as attractive as somebody else.
Have you got a hoist in your bathroom?
Use it as a sex swing.
Have you got any grab rails by your bed?
Put some handcuffs on them. Do you know what I mean?
This might not be appropriate for your film,
but it's about changing our mindset around
what we deem to be sexy and what we deem to be appropriate
and when that's changed hopefully we can have a lot more
satisfactory, fun and of course safe sexual relationships.
At the end of the day,
disability inclusion needs to go beyond just ramps.
Disabled identity is more than hospitals and Paralympics
and my DMs and sex ed need to reflect that.