- I live in a gated community in Houston
in a white neighborhood.
I like this about old, white men
that y'all are not embarrassed to embarrass yourself
in front of your children.
I like that.
I'm black, I don't embarrass myself in front of my kids.
I keep it pretty straight laced.
Every white man on my side of the street
has fallen off his roof in front of his son.
(audience laughing)
It's so much, I know the sound now.
I don't even have to look. I know the sound.
I'm in my garden minding my own business
and all of a sudden (shuddering).
See? Ted ass is off the roof again.
(audience laughing) (upbeat music)
(audience applauding)
I have a son.
His name is Hassan.
Tell you something cause I told y'all earlier,
I'm honest about my kids.
Hassan...
Hassan gonna be a serial killer.
(audience laughing) I'm just...
Just throwing it out there so y'all will know.
'Cause let me tell you how I know
Hassan gonna be a serial killer.
Hassan is four years old and Hassan whispers.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
What four-year-old you know whisper?
(audience laughing)
And then he don't wake you up like a normal child
'cause normal kids come to the front of the bed,
wake you up face to face.
Hassan, rub your feet.
(audience laughing)
You know how spooky it is to be woken up
by a child whispering, rubbing your feet?
"Daddy.
Daddy."
"What?"
"You thirsty?"
"What?" (audience laughing)
I said, "Do I look dehydrated in my sleep or something?"
I'm telling you, man, you got to be free, man.
I know my friends ain't free.
I know they ain't free
'cause they got label restrictions in they mind.
I tested my boy, we going to the gym.
I got on everything.
I got some Nikes on, some Puma socks, some Adidas shorts,
a New Balance shirt and the goddam Under Armor head band.
I come out, it's all black though. Everything all black.
I come out, my homie like, "Man, what you got on, man?
(audience laughing) You got on everything, man.
How you gonna have on Pumas in this... I mean, damn!"
And they can't even work out good
'cause they still looking at me.
I'm working out.
Then he's like walking up to me, I'm under the bench.
"Boy, you got on everything."
There's a white dude. Freedom.
He on the side, he got on boat shoes, dock shoes,
shit that you supposed to be on a yacht with
and some dockers and a wife beater on.
He running on a treadmill, "Huh? I like his outfit."
(audience laughing)
- People will treat you
how you demand to be treated through your character.
And I was six years in the penitentiary. Six years.
And I was young. 19 when I first got there.
19 when I got there.
And I was young and jovial and man, you know,
in penitentiary got this thing.
Any of y'all been in penitentiary?
Who been in penitentiary?
Been there? Okay, cool.
So you know about that yellow line?
- Yeah. - You know about
that yellow line.
Every time, like, "Yellow line! Inside the yellow line!"
And you like, "Man, what the fuck
is inside the yellow line?"
All, "Inside the yellow line! Inside the yellow line!"
So I'm walking, and Captain,
he in the middle of the captain station in the middle.
He hollering out, "Inside the yellow line!"
So me, I'm walking, I don't see nobody
outside the yellow line.
I'm like, "Why is Cap keep hollering
and ain't nobody outside the yellow line?
You know something?
I'm gonna give Cap somebody to holler at."
So I just walked in the middle of the hallway. Just...
"Ali! Inside the yellow line!" He run down there.
"Ali! Up against the wall," put me on the wall,
I'm standing there, he said,
"Man, didn't you hear me say inside the yellow line?"
I said, "Yeah, Cap, I did hear you
hollering, 'Inside the yellow line.'
And I looked and nobody was on the outside the yellow line.
Wasn't nobody outside the yellow line
so I decided I would give you somebody to be hollering at
so you wouldn't be looking crazy as hell in this hallway."
I said, "See, Cap, you don't know
when somebody trying to help you out."
(audience laughing)
Let me say this. Let me say this.
I've been thinking about this too.
Father's Day is the worst holiday in the world.
I've done the research. I already know.
Let me tell you something.
Mother's Day is the second most celebrated holiday
in the world.
Christmas is first.
So that means it's Jesus, then your mama.
(audience laughing)
You know where Father's Day fall at?
Number 20.
I can't think of 18 other holidays...
(audience laughing)
Do you realize Halloween is number six?
So that mean ghosts and goblins go before fathers!
Arbor Day is number 13. I don't even know what that is.
(audience laughing)
I just know it coming before me. That's crazy.
Columbus Day is number 16.
Celebrating Columbus Day
is like celebrating somebody finding money in your house.
(audience laughing)
"Where you get that $50 from?"
"I discovered it in your kitchen."
(audience laughing)
Ridiculous.
Fathers.... And it's mothers' fault.
It's mothers' fault, 'cause see,
when Mother's Day come around,
fathers go in they pocket deep.
"Hey, I wanna get my mama something."
You cash that money out. You know what mothers do?
Hey, I wanna get Daddy something.
"Well go in that car,
it's some change in my little cup holder in there."
(audience laughing) Don't nobody even
have a sale for Father's Day.
Who has a Father's Day sale?
Mother's Day sale, it's like 30 of 'em.
Everybody have Mother's Day sale.
Don't nobody have no Father's Day sale.
Who has a Father's Day sale?
The Dollar Store. (audience laughing)
That's how you get water hose and jumper cables for father.
And the stores know this
'cause now the store got a little trick for fathers.
They make little packages, a little box.
They give you suspenders, socks and a shirt, one box.
(audience laughing) And you know what kids do?
They give you that stuff throughout the year.
They give you that shirt for Father's Day,
them socks for your birthday
and then they just randomly give you something else
as they think about it.
It's crazy. Father day sucks!
And I'm a father!
I did all this work to be a father for it to suck.
I get speeding tickets all the time.
You can't gimme no speeding ticket in September
and give me a court date for December
and think I'ma remember that shit.
I'm gonna end up with a warrant.
You know how long my license was suspended?
My license was suspended for five years
before I got it corrected.
Had the money. Was being rebellious.
I get a no-insurance ticket
on the way to renew my insurance.
Crazy. (audience laughing)
So I paid a ticket. The ticket was 362, no-insurance ticket.
But three months later, I paid a ticket,
they sent me a goddam surcharge letter.
$292 and they say I gotta pay that shit for three years.
I called Austin thinking there's a mistake.
"Hey, what's happening, Department of whatever y'all doing.
I got a surcharge though I paid my insurance."
"Yeah, that's new. We doing surcharges."
I said, "Nah, I didn't vote for that.
Y'all put that in, I didn't vote for that."
And then the lady said, "Well if you don't pay it,
we gonna suspend your license."
And you know what I said?
Well suspend the motherfucker then."
(audience laughing)
Hung up.
Hung up. My license was no good after that.
It was no good.
I didn't know, I'm driving, I get stopped
by one of them State Troopers.
Now I gotta go into full Oscar mode.
I was a white woman for five years.
Five years. Best white woman you ever wanna see.
Get pulled over.
Dude said, "Can I see your ID?"
"Oh, no problem. Here you go.
Take that." Boom.
Went to the back. I already know what's gonna happen.
That man come up, boom.
"Sir, do you know that your license is suspended?"
Oh, no problem. Me, I'm finna go into white woman.
Here I go.
"(gasps) Are you serious?"
(audience laughing)
Why would my license be suspended?"
Gave me the whole shebang, the surcharge,
gave me the whole speech and I'm acting so interested.
"It's a surcharge? Oh my god.
When did this come about?"
(audience laughing) Boom.
Let me go on a warning. Let me go on a warning.
Yeah. Let me go on a warning.
(audience applauding)
For five years, I'd been turning with this. (gasps)
(audience laughing) "Are you serious?"
Five years.
Speeding again, you're stopped by a trooper.
I don't give two shits cuz I'm ready.
Got my Oscar-award-winning white woman. Form is down.
And I'm good at it, I'm a veteran with it.
Boom. The man stopped me.
"Can I see your license?"
I'm so good, I'm so confident, I had my license like this.
(audience laughing) "Take it."
The man come back, I'm sitting and I'm waiting.
He come back, "Oh, here I go. Let me get ready."
"Sir, do you know that your license is suspended?"
And here I go.
"(gasps) Are you serious?"
(audience laughing)
Same trooper who pulled me over
the first time saying... (audience groaning)
"Not this time, Ali. Get your ass out the car."
(audience applauding) (Ali chuckling)
And you getting out the car talking about,
"Are you serious?" (laughing)
Get yo ass in the back of that car!
Man, I woke up one day and I was tired of that shit.
I woke up like, "Nah, I ain't feeling this shit today."
(audience laughing)
Them people popped my door, man.
I got up, closed the door and I pushed the button.
I said, "Hey, don't pop my door, man. Not today."
Slammed it. (imitates door slamming)
He popped the door again.
"I just told you don't pop my door, man."
Boom, slammed my door. Boom, popped the door again.
I said, "All right, got something for y'all ass."
I, boom, kicked the door closed
and knocked the fucker off the rails.
Now it's jammed.
So they send up a negotiator. I said, "What's up?"
"If you don't come out the cell,
you know we gonna have to extract you."
I said, "Well get your goddam extraction on then, homeboy."
The man said, "Williams!
Are you okay?"
See, I didn't tell y'all that Marcelli Williams
was still in the cell. (audience laughing)
And Williams just woke up, Williams was a old man.
He woke up, "Man, what the hell is wrong with this boy?"
(audience laughing)
And Williams said, "Man, I'm good."
I said, "Shut up, Williams! Shut up!
I'm holding him hostage."
And Williams like, "There ain't no damn hostage."
And this when you know that it's serious,
when they say, "Rack it up!"
You like, "Ooh, they racking people up. Shit."
(audience laughing)
"If they racking 'em up, that mean they coming in here.
They coming in here. Shit!"
And you want to give up, you wanna give up
'cause you know they about to get ready,
but then the inmates, other convicts, they start hyping it.
"Give 'em hell, boy! Give 'em hell!
You already know. You already know!"
And then you see them guards getting ready.
(imitates guards grunting) "Shields!"
I'm talking about whoo!
And you see 'em out there too, like,
"Ooh, them boys getting ready! They're getting ready!"
Now I gotta get myself hyped up.
Now I done stuffed all my clothes in the toilet.
All my clothes going in the toilet.
I'm flooding, I'm gonna put this water on they ass
like they boots can't go through the water.
I'm putting the water on there.
Then I put all this baby oil on. I'm naked with baby oil on.
"Yeah, yeah. When they come in this bitch...
Wait til they they come in this bitch.
This is gonna be ready.
I'm gonna put a little shit on their ass too. (grunts)
Yeah, I got everything."
You got one throw with that shit.
You got one throw with that shit, they just walking,
(humming) and you in there, you throw that shit,
they block with the.
Ah, no, nothing.
Look, you like, "Oh, y'all coming too?"
You trying to splash water but they still coming.
You trying to fight,
all they trying to do is back your ass down
up against that wall.
And you don't realize, the shield,
the shield got electricity in the shield.
The shield's electric. The shield's electric.
Soon when they hit like, (grunts),
and you on the shield, (shudders).
(audience laughing)
You slid down the whole shit.
Your ass done got boiled in fried at the same time.
'Cause you're standing in water and you're greasy
and then people packaged your ass up
in a nice little package and you coming out
and they coming out in formation with your ass.
(imitates guards chanting)
You coming outta your cell and your boy's talking about,
"Yeah, boy!"
And you out here, "Yeah, I did what I had to do."
And the people like, "You ain't did shit."
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)