WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I AM BEGINNING--
I AM BEGINNING TO THINK DONALD TRUMP DESTROYS EVERYONE HE
TOUCHES.
HE IS LIKE THE KING MIDAS OF CRAP.
THE LATEST TRUMP AIDE TO HIT THE FAN IS FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY
ADVISOR AND DAD FROM A TWISTED SISTER VIDEO, MICHAEL FLYNN.
( LAUGHTER )
TO BE SENTENCED FOR LYING TO THE F.B.I.
AND TRUMP WAS ON THE SIDELINES, CHEERING HIM ON:
(AS TRUMP):
GENERAL MICHAEL FLYNN.
WILL BE INTERESTING TO SEE WHAT HE HAS TO SAY, DESPITE
TREMENDOUS PRESSURE BEING PUT UPON HIM ABOUT RUSSIAN COLLUSION
IN OUR GREAT AND, OBVIOUSLY, HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL POLITICAL
CAMPAIGN.
THERE WAS NO COLLUSION!"
THAT IS-- I THINK--
I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S JUST WITNESS TAMPERING IN REAL TIME.
(AS TRUMP):
KEEPING HIS TRAP SHUT.
YOUR SON AND I WILL BE WATCHING YOUR TESTIMONY, AND THEN WE'RE
GOING TO FEED MY ALLIGATORS.
THEY NORMALLY EAT RATS AND RAT CHILDREN."
( LAUGHTER )
GUILTY TO LYING TO THE F.B.I., LAST WEEK, FLYNN'S LAWYER
SUBMITTED A SENTENCING MEMO EXPLAINING IT WASN'T HIS FAULT,
BECAUSE AGENTS HADN'T WARNED FLYNN IT WAS A CRIME TO LIE TO
THE F.B.I.
OF COURSE, GOOD POINT.
HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
THEY GOT TO TELL HIM.
JUST LIKE HOW HOSPITALS ALL HAVE TO POST SIGNS THAT SAY "DO NOT
STEAL COUGH MEDICINE AND THEN BURN DOWN THIS BUILDING."
( LAUGHTER )
MEDICINE.
THE FLAMES TALK TO YOU.
SO, TODAY, FLYNN'S LAWYERS SEEMED READY TO ARGUE THAT THEIR
CLIENT "HAD BEEN TRICKED INTO LYING."
YES, THE F.B.I. HAS A CLEVER WAY TO TRICK ANYONE WHO WORKS FOR
TRUMP INTO LYING.
THEY ASK THEM A QUESTION.
BUT IF FLYNN FELT LIKE HE WAS TRICKED, WHY WAS HE PLEADING
GUILTY?
THAT'S WHAT WAS ON THE MIND OF US DISTRICT COURT JUDGE AND MAN
WHO CONVICTED HIMSELF OF AGGRAVATED SOUL PATCH, EMMETT
SULLIVAN.
ANOTHER SO JUDGE SULLIVAN MADE SURE FLYNN KNEW THAT WHAT HE DID
WAS WRONG.
HERE'S HOW IT WENT DOWN: SULLIVAN ASKED IF HE WANTED TO
CHALLENGE THE CIRCUMSTANCE OF THE F.B.I. INTERVIEW.
FLYNN SAYS NO.
THEN SULLIVAN ASKS FLYNN IF HE WAS AWARE THAT LYING TO THE
F.B.I. WAS ILLEGAL.
"I WAS AWARE," FLYNN SAYS.
SULLIVAN ASKS IF FLYNN IS READY TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY.
"I AM, YOUR HONOR," FLYNN ANSWERS FORCEFULLY.
SULLIVAN ASKS IF FLYNN WOULD RATHER POSTPONE THE PROCEEDINGS.
FLYNN DECLINES THE OFFER.
ADDING, "I WOULD LIKE TO PROCEED."
"BECAUSE YOU'RE GUILTY?" "YES, YOUR HONOR."
( LAUGHTER )
FLYNN, "DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DO THIS?"
HE'S LIKE A TATTOO ARTIST AT 2:00 A.M. WITH A DRUNK CUSTOMER
WHO KEEPS SAYING, "NO, I'M SURE I WANT MY WHOLE BACK COVERED
WITH A PICTURE OF TWEETY BIRD PUKING ON CALVIN."
( LAUGHTER )
ABOUT HIS ILLEGAL LOBBYING FOR TURKEY:
"YOU WERE AN UNREGISTERED AGENT OF A FOREIGN COUNTRY WHILE
SERVING AS THE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER TO THE PRESIDENT!
ARGUABLY, THIS UNDERMINES EVERYTHING THIS FLAG OVER HERE
STANDS FOR!
ARGUABLY, YOU SOLD YOUR COUNTRY OUT!"
HOW ARE FLYNN'S LAWYERS GOING TO GET OUT OF THAT?
"YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT HAD NO IDEA THAT UNDERMINING EVERYTHING
THE FLAG STANDS FOR WAS A CRIME!
THE F.B.I. SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM."
THE JUDGE WENT ON TO ASK THE PROSECUTORS IF MICHAEL FLYNN'S
CONDUCT "RISES TO THE LEVEL OF TREASONOUS ACTIVITY," TO
WHICH THE PROSECUTORS REPLIED, THEY "DID NOT CONSIDER CHARGING
FLYNN WITH TREASON."
THEN THE JUDGE ASKED AGAIN, "COULD HE HAVE BEEN CHARGED WITH
TREASON?"
PROBABLY NOT A GREAT SIGN WHEN YOU'RE NOT CHARGED WITH TREASON
BUT THE JUDGE REALLY WANTS TO KNOW WHY NOT.
(AS JUDGE)
ARE YOU SURE?
BECAUSE THE TREASON SPACE IS STILL OPEN ON MY JUDGE BINGO
CARD HERE."
SULLIVAN TOLD FLYNN, "THE MORE YOU ASSIST THE GOVERNMENT, THE
MORE YOU ARGUABLY HELP YOURSELF AT THE TIME OF SENTENCING."
HE THEN DECLARED A RECESS TO LET FLYNN CONSIDER WHETHER HE WANTED
TO PROCEED AND LET THE JUDGE IMPOSE A PUNISHMENT, OR TO DELAY
AND COOPERATE MORE WITH THE SPECIAL COUNSEL IN HOPES OF
LENIENCY.
THAT'S A TOUGH CALL, LIKE CHOOSING BETWEEN APPLES AND
DECADES IN PRISON.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT APPLE, PLEASE."
OF COURSE, TRUMP'S GOING TO GET A BREAK OVER THE HOLIDAY SEASON,
BUT HE MIGHT NOT ENJOY IT, BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, THE
PRESIDENT DOESN'T LIKE CHRISTMAS.
ONE PERSON CLOSE TO THE WHITE HOUSE SAYS IT'S "BECAUSE IT'S
NOT ABOUT HIM!
IF IT WERE ABOUT HIM, HE'D LOVE IT.
CHRISTMAS IS NOT ABOUT HIM."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ABOUT HIM.
>> Stephen: HOW SELF-OBSESSED CAN YOU GET?
I'D SAY HE'S SCROOGE, BUT TRUMP WOULD PROBABLY ENJOY A
VISIT FROM THOSE GHOSTS.
(AS TRUMP):
GRAVE WITH MY NAME ON IT.
PRETTY SWEET!
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT ME!"
WHEN TRUMP DOES GO TO THE WHITE HOUSE PARTIES, HE HAS A TOUGH
TIME OF THE.
ONE WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS SAID, "IT'S JUST A LOT.
HE JUST GETS IMPATIENT.
HE LIKES TO GO, GO, GO.
SITTING THROUGH THINGS, HE GETS RESTLESS."
SO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DOESN'T LIKE FANCY
COCKTAIL PARTIES FOR THE SAME REASON A FOUR-YEAR-OLD DOESN'T
LIKE FANCY COCKTAIL PARTIES.
(AS CHILD TRUMP):
WHEN DO WE GET TO GO?
THIS TIE ITCHES.
MOMMY, CAN I AT LEAST HAVE YOUR PHONE SO I CAN PLAY TWITTER?"