SHEELE / MINE (?): These are vagina fingering hands now! [Please keep this English CC clean]
[You can add funny extras to the English (Canada) CC]
EMPEROR: Alright, um...
...So, what's new, then?
Lay it on me, Hunchback of Notre Fam!
HUNCHY: It's actually a tumor, sir...
...ahum, and um, everything's been running smoothly lately.
HONEST: LIIIES!
Things have been going down the shithole!
All because of that blasted revolutionary army group, Night Raid!
CAPE CRUSADER: Really? I thought they were a charity group. Huh...
HONEST: III HATE THEM!
Just thinking about them makes my meat spoiled!
You know what I mean, right, Hunchy?
HUNCHY: I have feelings too, you know.
And actually, Night Raid has been helping our country.
Like that time when they killed that corrupt police Captain Ogre; crime has gone down significantly.
CAPE CRUSADER: And since our old Treasurer was assassinated, the economy has drastically increased
through his replacement actually having the ability to count money (!)
HUNCHY: Oh, and how about when they killed that serial killer--
HONEST: So you agree! They are evil!
Where do they get off trying to make *us* look bad by taking the law into their own hands?!
Those are *our* serial killers to kill!
My Emperor! Tell them what you so wish to do.
EMPEROR: I want to be a real boy!
HONEST: Oh... So you want those filthy killers killed, do you?
Well, if you say so...
[Comedic sinister laughter]
HUNCHY: ...Oh God, what is with this guy? [Comedic sinister laughter & flesh rendering]
[Comedic sinister laughter & flesh rendering]
CAPE CRUSADER: ...And where does he pull that meat from? [Comedic sinister laughter & flesh rendering]
[Comedic sinister laughter & flesh rendering]
[♫ Opening theme ♫]
NAJENDA: Congratulations, Tatsumi.
Looks like the day has finally come for you to get your very own Imperial Arm.
Sorry if it smells. We had to fish it out of a...
...a... dead... body--
You know what? You don't need to know about that.
TATSUMI: You see, guys? I'm special! One-of-a-kind! Just like Gramps always said!
BULAT: You'll always be our special little boy, Little Tata!
LUBBOCK: Shut the fuck up and take your goddamn gift, ya goof!
G-- Go on!
TATSUMI: You always know... *exactly* what to say, Lubbock!
I love you!
'Alright...'
'I just have to be one with it.'
'Okay, Tatsumi...'
'Close your eyes, and be one with the Imperial Eye.'
'And-I-think-I'm-afraid-of-the-Teigu-oh-man--!'
'OHMYGOSH, AAAAH!!'
(Harsh breath intake)
MINE: What's wrong, Tatsumi?
Y o u l o o k a l i t t l e t r o u b l e d ! [Fast heartbeat / intermittent static]
(Creepy laughter) [Fast heartbeat / intermittent static]
(Creepy laughter) TATSUMI: AAAAAAAAAAGH!!
(Creepy laughter) TATSUMI: AAAAAAAAAAGH!! LUBBOCK: Crap! He's having a stroke!
LUBBOCK: Crap! He's having a stroke!
TATSUMI: Did I...
...Did I do it?
NAJENDA: Well, you sure did defecate yourself.
You also failed us. *Again*.
Way to go, Tatsumi.
BULAT: *Damn it*, Tatsumi! I thought you were *the one*!
AKAME: I feel indifferent.
BULAT: Calm down, Akame!
Tatsumi! I think it is best for you to leave before things get out of hand.
SHEELE: Why are you lookin' so glum... chum?
TATSUMI: [crying] Leave me alone! I'm in my mad spot!
SHEELE: Youuu wanna...
...talk?
TATSUMI: No!
SHEELE: Oookaay...
TATSUMI: [c] I can't do anything right!
Everyone's counting on me to be able to use that Imperial Mc...Jibbejijew!
SHEELE: No, we were'n--
TATSUMI: [c] But I *can't*! I'm a failure!
I can hear my dead friends laughing at me right now!
GHOST!IEYASU: EH-HEH, HEH, HEH...!
FAGGIT!
SHEELE: It's just the wind, Tatsumi...
TATSUMI: [c] Now the wind is laughing at me?!
(Bawling)
Dih!
SHEELE: When I feel saaad and wanna feel better...
...I like listening to a happy story.
You wanna hear a happy story, uhh...
...l... little... little boy?
TATSUMI: It's "Tatsumi".
SHEELE: That was my second choice, Little Boy Tatsumi.
Now, listen to my tale...
There once was a little girl called "Me"...
...'cause it was me!
I used to live in an area with a lot of kung fu enthusiasts.
They didn't like me very much because I wasn't "kung fu enough". [Background mocking laughter]
[Background mocking laughter]
And I-I wasn't a panda. [Background mocking laughter]
TATSUMI: A what?
SHEELE: Shut up, Panda Boy Tatsumi.
I'm telling a story.
Life was really dull.
Like you.
Until one day, a really hot person came into my
liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-- TATSUMI: (snaps fingers) Hey! Hey!
SHEELE: Oh, right. Yeah, she was pretty hot.
I never really knew what she was saying because she always spoke in tongue fu.
But I laughed anyways.
I thought, like, I was finally accepted...
...Until one day, the newspaper boy came into my life.
...And hers, I guess.
He was mad that my hot friend didn't pay him his daily bowl of "Imperial Charms"...
"The Taste That Kills!!".
As I killed him.
With a knife.
TATSUMI: ...What?
SHEELE: Yeah, it felt good. So I did a lot more of that.
But my friendarino didn't like it. So I did the only logical thing to do...
I killed her.
[Splotch]
FRIEND: Aieee!
SHEELE: After that, I started killing more people.
And more people.
It was greeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaat.
And then one day...
I'm here!
Tahdaah!
TATSUMI: I don't... feel... anymore.
SHEELE: And that's the way it should beee...
Hooraaaaay...
TATSUMI: Oh, this is just swell (!)
TATSUMI: One second, I get dragged by Leone to go shopping with her... LEONE: Blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah...
and then only 5 minutes in, *she ditches me to go out for gambling and booze*! I'll meet you in 10 minutes... Blah blah blah blah blah...!
and then only 5 minutes in, *she ditches me to go out for gambling and booze*! ...
...OKAY, BYE! Ha ha ha ha ha...!
TATSUMI: And the *worst* thing about all of this is...
[Doing]
I THINK I'M LOST!
Uh-huu, where do I go??
TATSUMI: (Continues to panic in background) SERYU: Do I sense a helpless citizen in need of some...
(Continues to panic in background) ...JUSTICE?!?!
(Continues to panic in background) ...
Hello there, fine boy / girl! Are you in need of some assistance?
Seryu Ubiquitous, proud servant of--
[Crunch] JUUSTICE!!
--reporting for duty!
TATSUMI: Ohh boy, here we go...
[Pop]
SERYU: Koro~! How many times have I told you?!
Stop staring at the weird ones!
TATSUMI: T-- ..."Weird"?!
SERYU: Sorry about that.
This is my pet, Koro! He's my partner in
[Crack] JUSTICE!!
He eats all the baddies!
TATSUMI: Uhh...
...Fantastic.
SERYU: Isn't it?!
Aww, he's so adorable~!
Aww, he's so adorable~! KORO: (Growling)
KORO: (Growling)
Oouhh... braah! SERYU: So it seems like you're lost.
SERYU: So it seems like you're lost.
Let me help you find your way back to the shopping district!
TATSUMI: D'uh... with... that?
[Pop] TATSUMI: D'uh... with... that?
SERYU: Let's goooo~!
[♫ Batman transition ♫]
JUSTICE!!
Okay! We're here!
TATSUMI: This didn't help me at all! I think I'm *even more* lost now!
How did you do this?!
SERYU: We were lead towards
JUSTICE!!
TATSUMI: Yeah, you seem to be a fan of that.
SERYU: You should be safe *now*, citizen! Looks like my job here is done!
KORO: Barh! SERYU: You should be safe *now*, citizen! Looks like my job here is done!
SERYU: You should be safe *now*, citizen! Looks like my job here is done!
Come on, Koro! There's more--
JUSTICE!!
--that needs prevailing!
Awaay we goooo~! KORO: (Repeatedly grunting in pain)
KORO: (Repeatedly grunting in pain)
TATSUMI: 'Yep...'
'...Still lost.'
KORO: (Repeatedly grunting in pain)
SERYU: 'Don't worry, Master! I'll *never* forget all the things you taught me about *justice*!'
OGRE: You punch like a girl!
Justice.
SERYU: JUSTICE?!
OGRE: Now you're gettin' it!
SERYU: 'I'll make sure to serve JUSTICE to the people of this city!'
'And to the ones who killed you...'
'Night Raid!'
RALPH: Congratulations on conquering Africa, General Esdeath.
Because you froze everything, you managed to get rid of global warming.
You also kind of made everything uninhabitable, but you kn-- that's fine too.
We also got news that the King has requested your return--
ESDEATH: Hold on. I'm gonna have to pause you right there.
*You*. Are you about done yet? You've been going at it for like an hour.
NUMA: (Panting like a dog)
ESDEATH: Oh... well, that's perfect.
NUMA: Ouw!
ESDEATH: Alright, boys! Time to get packin'~
We're headin' back home.
BUDDYVA: Hey guys, it's me, Tatsumi...
...here to say that Akame ga Kill! Abridged will now be uploaded on TheSchmuckSquad channel from hereon!
Subscribe and check out our Patreon today! Please! I'd like to send things more than once a year!
'K, bye!