Hi, I'm Kayla Jorgenson.
I am a student at North Park University, studying music and worship.
When I was a freshman in high school, I, um, you know, you kind of make new friends, figure
it out.
There was a couple friends specifically that were, like, really close, I was really close
with, and one was this girl from, um, my freshman English class, and another was this guy who
I think I, we had lunch together or something.
So then, we were friends for a while, like, a year.
We were, like, best friends before we started dating, and then, we dated for about a year,
a little over a year, um, pretty seriously, um, before we broke up, and then, decided
that we would stay friends.
We would try to stay friends because we were so good of friends before.
It was, like, how do we not have each other in our lives at all?
And then, throughout that time, he and my other best friend started talking a lot.
Um, there was one time where we were all hanging out at their house.
I was the last one to leave, and I asked him.
I was like, "Is there something going on between the two of you?
Like, what, what is it that, that's going on?"
And he said, "Uh, why does it matter?
Like, things are over between us, and yes, like, there is, like, I like her, and you're
just going to have to deal with it."
Um, and I was, like, a wreck.
I was, like, "What?" because I was still trying to be friends with him, and it was just, like,
this hope that was, like, completely gone, and I cried all the time.
Like, whenever I was alone, I was, like, crying.
I remember, like, I would drive past her house and see his car outside, and I would, like,
scream in the car, like, so loud, and just, like, let it, I was like.
I started, like, losing weight noticeably.
Like, people were asking me, like, "Oh you look really skinny.
Like, are you okay?"
And I, like, kind of had this sense of, like, who am I?
Like, I didn't even know, I didn't know what kind of music I liked, or, like, what kind
of food I liked, 'cause everything was, like, shaped by this person that, um, had been so
important in my life, and I never, like, during that time, I never felt like I was, like,
abandoned by God or anything, but it was kind of like, it's like you're in a room, in a
dark room, and there's, like, just enough light under the door frame that, that it's
not too dark and your eyes can adjust to the darkness, so I, like, had just enough light
in my life that I was, like, fooled that I was in this, like, dark place.
I don't know.
It was, uh, it was hard.
I think about, like, being in a dark room, and I think about, like, it's, it's like you
have to get yourself to the door to open the door, and it was that, like, moving through
the dark and, and tripping and falling a lot of times, like, falling over, and, like, having
to start again.
And there was, there was a lot of times that, um, I was like, "Okay, I'm ready to forgive."
I'm, like, ready to forgive, and it was this, like, that day I was ready, and the next day
I was like, "No way.
Not, no chance.
Like, that was terrible."
And it was, like, this back and forth, like, thing that, um, I think it, uh, is kind of
natural, like, when we're in a pit of some sort, we, like, you need momentum to get up
the hill again, because forgiveness isn't a feeling.
It's a decision that we make.
It took a lot of time for me to just take space away from them and away from the situation
and really surrounding myself with people that, like, loved me and spoke truth.
I learned in it, kind of, um, in that, in the pit and in the darkness is not to people,
like, 'should' on your situation.
Like, don't let people tell you where you should be, because, like, there's no set schedule
for that.
There's no time that your heart should be healed, whether it's, like, a heartbreak or
a tragedy or, um, it's losing someone you love.
Like, there's no set schedule for grieving, and, um, I think that was hard a lot of times
is people would come into the room and try to push me out and push me towards the door,
but, like, we're heavy in our pain, like, we're heavy, and it's hard to get up and to
push, and, like, I'm the one who has to decide that I'm going to move towards the light.
But it was also important to have people there with me that was, that were sitting in it
and that were, like, giving me permission of sorts to feel the way that I felt, and
saying, like, "That sucks.
Like, that really sucks.
And it's okay that you feel that way," and, like, patting me on the back, in a way, but
not pushing me on the back, you know?
I don't remember, um, any moment where it was, "I'm done with this," but the things
that, that led up to it were mostly, like, taking space away from it, um, and surrounding
myself with truth.
My favorite Bible passage, Scripture, verse, favorite verse was, um, Isaiah 9:2, and it
says, "The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those walking in the
land of the shadow of death, the light has dawned."
And so, um, I learned a lot about, about that when I realized that, like, that word 'dawn'
and the phrase, um, 'the night is darkest just before the dawn,' um, that Dawn is my
middle name, and it was just, like, okay.
A phrase and a thought that I went back to was that, like, the dawn is coming, and, like,
the good is coming.
And it's like I, I knew in the back of my mind whether or not I believed it at the time,
but I knew that there was resurrection, and I knew that there was, like, redemption and
restoration, and that things would be good.
After we graduated, we kind of, like, were able to talk again, after we took a lot of
space from trying to be friends.
When we get through it, like, it changes who we are.
I mean, without, without death, there isn't resurrection, and without the pain and the
crying, there's no, like, rejoicing, and so, I think that going through it, and walking
through it, and taking the steps to stumble through the darkness, and to, like, fall,
and - It's hard.
Um, I know that, like, it's not, like, you're not the only one.
Like, everyone deals with transitions, and deals with pain and heartbreak in a lot of
different ways, and I think that if we can find ourselves together in it, then, um, we
can help each other to stand up and to walk through.