>> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.
JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," MY FRIENDS, RIGHT OVER THERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WHERE YOU AT?
WHERE YOU AT?
>> Stephen: JON, THE BAND WE'VE GOT ON TONIGHT, "THE
SHINS" ARE ON THE SHOW TONIGHT.
>> Jon: YEAH, T YEAH, "THE SHINS NICE!
>> Stephen: THEY ARE GIVING AWAY THEIR TOUR VAN, THIS THING
RIGHT HERE.
>> Jon: WHOA!
>> Stephen: DO WE HAVE A SHOT OF THIS THING PARKED OUTSIDE?
IT'S LITERALLY PARKED OUTSIDE OF THE THEATER RIGHT NOW.
THIS IS THE BAND NAY TOURED WITH FOR YEARS.
IT'S BEEN SUPER CHARGED AND SOUPED UP AND THEY'RE GIVING HER
AWAY.
STICK AROUND AFTER THE SHOW.
YOU CAN FIND OUT HOW YOU CAN WIN "THE SHINS" VAN.
>> Jon: I'VE SEEN WAY WORSE VANS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A GREAT AD FOR A CAR, YOU'VE SEEN WORSE.
>> Jon: I'VE SEEN WORSE!
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
SPEAKING OF THINGS YOU'VE SEEN WORSE -- SOME OF TRUMP'S FRIENDS
MAY BE IN TROUBLE.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS TIME IT'S FORMER CAMPAIGN
ADVISOR AND MAITRE D' AT A GANGSTER-THEMED RESTAURANT,
ROGER STONE.
HE'S A BIG BUDDY OF DONALD TRUMP.
DURING THE ELECTION, STONE WAS ACCUSED OF HAVING TIES TO THE
RUSSIAN HACKERS WHO BROKE INTO THE DNC.
BUT JUST LAST WEEK, WHEN ASKED WHAT CONTACT HE HAD WITH
RUSSIANS, STONE SAID -- "NONE.
NADA.
ZILCH.
I AM NOT IN TOUCH WITH ANY RUSSIANS.
DON'T HAVE A RUSSIAN GIRLFRIEND, DON'T LIKE RUSSIAN DRESSING AND
HAVE STOPPED DRINKING RUSSIAN VODKA."
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: "I THREW OUT ALL MY
RUSSIAN NESTING DOLLS, I QUIT MY RUSSIAN ROULETTE LEAGUE, AND I
EVEN WALK REALLY SLOWLY SO THAT NOBODY CAN SAY I'M RUSHIN'!"
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, SO NO RUSSIAN!
NOTHING RUSSIAN AT ALL!
OF COURSE, WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A TRUMP ADVISER
DENIES CONTACT WITH SUSPECTED RUSSIAN HACKERS -- THEY LATER
ADMIT THEY HAD CONTACT WITH SUSPECTED RUSSIAN HACKERS.
AND THIS ISN'T JUST ANY HACKER.
IT'S THE ONE IS BELIEVED BY U.S.
OFFICIALS TO BE LINKED TO RUSSIA AND GOES BY THE NAME GUCCIFER
2.0.
AND WAS BELIEVED TO HAVE HACKED D.N.C. E-MAILS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YESTERDAY, STONE CONFIRMED THAT
HE AND GUCCIFER HAD A PRIVATE TWITTER CONVERSATION AND
RELEASED A SCREENSHOT IN WHICH GUCCIFER TOLD STONE "I'M PLEASED
TO SAY THAT U R GREAT MAN.
PLEASE TELL ME IF I CAN HELP U ANYHOW.
IT WOULD BE A GREAT PLEASURE TO ME."
YEAH, IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP?
MAYBE PICK UP YOUR DRY CLEANING, OR, HEY, ANY ELECTIONS YOU NEED
RIGGED?
( LAUGHTER ) BUT STONE HAD A PERFECTLY GOOD
EXPLANATION FOR WHY HE DIDN'T MENTION HIS DIRECT CONTACT WITH
ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOST NOTORIOUS HACKERS, TELLING THE
WASHINGTON TIMES, "IT WAS SO PERFUNCTORY, BRIEF AND BANAL, I
HAD FORGOTTEN IT."
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH IS EXACTLY THE SAME THING
MY COLLEGE GIRLFRIEND SAID.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TO CLEAR THIS UP, WE MANAGED TO SECURE AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW.
PLEASE WELCOME LIVE VIA SATELLITE, THE HACKER HIMSELF,
GUCCIFER 2.0.
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, MR. 2.0.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> IT IS GREAT PLEASURE TO ME,
STEPHEN.
YOU LOOK SO MUCH DIFFERENT IN PERSON THAN IN PRIVATE PHOTOS I
FIND ON YOUR COMPUTER.
>> STEPHEN: LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH TRUMP
ADVISER ROGER STONE.
>> YES, I LOVE ROGER!
I CALL HIM "STONEY THE TIGER" BECAUSE HE'S GRRRRRRREAT MAN!
>> STEPHEN: REALLY?
BECAUSE HE SAID HIS CONTACT WITH YOU WAS "BANAL" AND
"PERFUNCTORY."
>> WELL, I'M SURE "PERFUNCTORY" IS GOOD!
IS "FUNKY", LIKE AMERICAN HIP-HOP.
>> STEPHEN: NO, HE DENIES HAVING ANY REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.
>> WELL, OKAY.
IS NOT IMPORTANT TO ME EITHER.
I DM WITH MANY DECAYING AND BEAUTIFUL OLD MEN ... OH, WHO AM
I KIDDING?
I MISS HIM SO MUCH!
I MAY BE MOST DANGEROUS HACKER IN THE WORLD, BUT THE STONE-MAN
BREACHED THE FIREWALL... TO MY HEART.
( LAUGHTER ) WHO KNEW THAT COLLUDING TO THROW
ELECTION FOR PARANOID REALITY TV STAR COULD HAVE SUCH BAD RESULT!
>> STEPHEN: GUCCIFER, I'M SO SORRY.
>> HE PROMISED ME HE'D HELP RAISE LITTLE GUCCIFER 3.0!
( LAUGHTER ) DON'T WORRY, GOOSEY-3, PAPA WILL
BE HOME SOON!
>> STEPHEN: GUCCIFER 2.0, EVERYONE...
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH EWAN MCGREGOR.