-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome.
I love you, too.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah!
Well, guys, after weeks of waiting,
tomorrow afternoon, at 1:15 p.m.,
President Biden will hold his first
presidential press conference.
People who normally watch soaps will be like,
"Who's the new beefcake on 'Young & The Restless'?"
[ Laughter ]
Yep, news ratings are down, so CNN asked Biden
if he'd be willing to do the press conference
dressed like one of the Avengers.
[ Laughter ]
After being first for four years,
I wonder how many people Biden will call on before Fox News?
Be like, "Yes, you in the back
from the Sister Ignatius Middle School Gazette."
[ Laughter ]
Biden's dealing with North Korea,
a border crisis, and a global pandemic.
But, of course, the first question will be,
"Sir, why did you fall three times going up the stairs
of Air Force One? Follow up question!
Is Major the Dog happy to be back at the White House?"
[ Laughter ]
Actually, to prove that he's fine,
when Biden returned to the White House last night,
he jogged a couple steps on the South lawn.
I -- I think it helped. Let's see how he did.
-Yeah. [ Cheers ]
That's right. That's right.
That's right. [ Laughter ]
I'm sure that'll squash all the conspiracy theories.
[ Laughter ]
It looked like he was gonna try to catch a bus
and then thought, "Ah, you know, I'll wait for the next one."
[ Laughter ]
Some news from overseas. Well, here's something
I didn't expect to be talking about.
A massive cargo ship got spun around
and stuck in the Suez Canal, blocking more than 100 ships.
Look at this thing. It's giant.
Look at that. [ Laughs ]
If you look closely, the ship has a tiny bumper sticker
that says "Student driver." So, I mean...
-Oh, come on. [ Laughter ]
-Traffic is backed up for miles,
and hundreds of ships are delayed.
Do you know how stressful it is to parallel park
when there's someone behind you?
Imagine blocking a whole hemisphere.
You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
Yeah, that's a tough day for that captain.
Right now, he's trending worldwide on Twitter
as #DockBlocker. [ Laughter ]
Listen to this -- I read that Pfizer has begun
testing an oral anti-viral drug for COVID.
Man, if they can just put the medicine
into a chicken sandwich,
America will flatten the curve by Friday.
[ Cheers and applause ] By Friday!
Trust me!
Imagine if this oral drug has to be refrigerated.
Pfizer's gonna be like,
"Have fun swallowing a minus-80-degree ice marble."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, researchers in Mexico have invented a new mask.
Higgins, you'll be very excited about this.
-I can't wait to hear about it. -Now look at this.
They invented a new mask over in Mexico.
They claim it reduces the risk of infection
while eating or talking.
-Oh. -Take a look at this.
-There you go.
[ Laughter ]
-What? -What?
-What are you talking about? -Dog nose?
-What are you talking about, man?
That's it, right there. That solves it.
-It makes sense. -It's got to reduce the risk
by at least 50%. -Yeah.
Sure, man. -Sure. Absolutely.
[ Laughter ]
I have a feeling whatever's going that way
is probably coming this way, as well.
But whatever.
I mean, it looks like a nose thong.
[ Laughter ]
-Nose diaper. -The most interesting part is,
underneath that is two even tinier masks over each nostril.
-Wow! [ Laughter ]
-Right now, the CDC is calling it groundbreaking
and wildly ineffective. [ Laughter ]
Some business news. I saw that Southwest Airlines
is doing away with social distancing.
It has decided to return
to its pre-pandemic boarding procedures.
-Ooh. -I think the real story here is
that Southwest is claiming that they have boarding procedures.
[ Laughter ]
If you don't remember Southwest's old
boarding procedure, it's basically this.
-And here we go! -There you go. See?
"Oh, I'm in section -- No --"
[ Applause ]
"Now seating the D section." "No, I'm D!"
"No, I'm sorry, A first, then D."
Speaking of air travel, we mentioned this last month.
We got thousands of letters.
[ Chuckles ] Did we?
[ Laughter ] -Why not? Why not?
-I don't believe that. But we got thousands of letters.
-Thousands, man. -People still write letters.
-We got hundred and thousands of letters.
-That's correct. We got thousands of letters
asking us to talk about it again, apparently.
-Oh, good, good. -Because the Philadelphia
airport has a robot. Do you remember this?
-Yeah. -It delivers food to travelers.
But actually, the way it works is, it's a robot,
and then someone who works there,
and the robot follows the person who works there.
And then, that person -- the robot follows them,
then, whoever's eating the food has to go in the robot
and get their sandwich, at the robot.
-That sounds efficient. [ Laughter ]
-Or they could just have the human bring the sandwich
over to the people. Yeah, this much.
-You don't want hands on your hoagie.
So, you know, the robot -- -Hey, don't talk dirty!
[ Laughter ] -No, he didn't mean that.
No, no. -What happened?
I left, and now it's a filth show?
-No, in Philadelphia, that means a sandwich.
-Yeah. You don't want hands on your hero.
-Yeah, you know what? -Hey!
-Hey, Higgins. No, hey.
-Filthy! -Yeah, no, no,
he doesn't mean that type of hero.
He means a sandwich. -Oh, okay.
-It keeps paws off your po' boy.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay. All right.
-It's all getting -- -I've had enough of innuendos.
-How does your sandwich get made?
How does your sandwich get made?
-I mean, safely, you know, in a facility by other robots.
-We can't just --
[ Laughter ]
Can't you just get your sandwich there,
and you handle it, your sandwich?
-I think, you know, they're trying to cut down risk, man.
Come on. [ Laughter ]
We do what we can, man. -Or you do too much.
[ Laughter ]
Anyways, it delivers food to travelers.
But now, get this.
This is what the Philadelphia airport is doing now.
They're asking for name suggestions...
-Oh, no. -...for the robot.
Just watch this. -Ah.
-The food delivery robot... -That's the thing.
-...at Philadelphia International Airport
needs a name, and the airport wants your help.
Travelers can come up with a list of names,
and the airport will narrow them down.
There will then be a contest to pick the name.
-This is such a bad idea.
You're gonna let Philly choose the name?
-Yes! -Perfect.
Well, congratulations.
Say hello to R2-D-Bag, everybody.
[ Laughter ] You win! No, you win!
You're right. You're right.
Let them choose.
The robot's working now, but next month, a Phillies fan
will hurl that thing at a Mets outfielder.
Just trust me. Watch.
[ Laughter ]
[ Grunts ] -Boo!
-Yeah, exactly. Uh, listen to this.
Wedding retailer David's Bridal. You guys know David's Bridal?
Well, they're saying that weddings are coming back,
but they're taking on a more casual tone.
Yeah. It was only a matter of time
before people were like, "Wait. Is spending 5 grand on a dress
you only wear once stupid?" [ Laughter ]
"It is?" [ Laughter ]
It's getting so casual, David's Bridal is keeping
all their dresses in bins like it's T.J.Maxx.
[ Laughter ]
"You looking for a dress? Yeah, no problem.
We have -- this whole bin is small to extra large."
[ Laughter ]
"We don't put it in size. It's just in that pile."
Well, now, guys, everyone is keeping a close eye
on their brackets ahead of next week's Final Four,
but we thought it'd be fun to pick a different kind
of Final Four. That's right.
It's time for a "News Flub Final Four."
Here we go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Okay. Let's look at our picks here.
Oh, there they are. Our top four news flubs.
First, we have a reporter
who runs into some issues with her microphone.
Let's see how it goes.
-Annette Lawless is live on the scene,
tracking down new information. Good morning, Annette.
[ Low, robotic voice ] That's right, Gloria.
Those fire crews are still out here right now.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-It's the Philly robot. Yeah.
-No, yeah. I watch her all --
She's on SNN, Satanic News Network.
Yeah, I've seen her before. [ Laughter ]
"Honey, you have a great voice for broadcasting."
-"Thank you." -"Thank you."
[ Laughter ]
"The followers of Satan thank you."
[ Laughter ]
Let's get back to the board here.
This next clip, a news anchor in Virginia
realizes he's made an unfortunate mistake.
Take a look at this.
-Check you're the panties. About 175,000 rice --
I think that was supposed to be "pantries."
[ Laughter ]
-I couldn't warn you before I saw it.
[ Laughter ] -"Check your panties!"
[ Laughter ]
-Rice. [ Laughter ]
-Let's look at another clip here.
This next one is a BBC anchor,
and he's about to start the news broadcast.
But, man, he struggles to find his spot.
Take a look at this.
♪♪
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-Yeah.
No.
[ Laughter ]
-Hello, and welcome.
-Yeah! [ Applause ]
Stuck the landing. -Nailed it.
-Stuck the landing. [ Laughter ]
"What? All right. What?"
[ Laughter ]
"Hello, and welcome." It's like...
Well, here's our last pick here.
This clip is about a man who had some trouble with Zoom.
I'm sure you saw it. Take a look at this.
-A Texas lawyer proves that technical difficulties
can happen even at the worst of times.
-Can you hear me, Judge? -I can hear you.
I think it's a filter.
-I'm here live. I'm not a cat.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-All right, what do you think?
Was it the reporter with audio issues?
-Yeah. -Was it, "Check your pantries"?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Was it confused BBC?
[ Light applause ]
You don't have to boo him. [ Laughter ]
The guy had a rough day already. Gosh, now you're booing him.
Or cat lawyer?
[ Cheers and applause ]
I think it's "Check your pantries."
-Yeah! -"Check your pantries!"
We have a winner!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Some entertainment news. This summer, Disney is releasing
"Black Widow" and "Cruella" on Disney+ $29.99 each, yeah.
When you drop 30 bucks to watch a movie at home,
Disney+ just starts playing a clip of Jafar laughing.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, this is pretty strange.
Here in New York, this week, dolphins were spotted
swimming in the East River.
Check this out. It's real.
-Look at that.
Wow. Yeah, amazing.
They're the only dolphins that smoke cigarettes
through their blowholes. -Wow.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Unbelievable.
After a few hours in the East River,
they became the first marine life
to check themselves into Sea World.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh! -I got to be honest,
it's nice to hear about sea life unexpectedly showing up
in something other than Cinnamon Toast Crunch.